I can't stop thinking about those children and their families from Connecticut. And when I think of them, I cry. Doesn't matter if I am on the bus, at work, putting my precious child to bed -- I cry. Because I could not put the pieces of my life back together if B was taken away from me, and I hate thinking about how these parents have to try to do just that. Maybe because I did lose someone suddenly (my father died suddenly when I was 14), I know too well the true deep grief that one feels when the world changes in an instant. But the loss of a child? That is too much to bear -- it violates the very order of things in the universe. And so I cry for those families, I cry in fear that something could happen to B, and I cry because I have known loss and it never really goes away.
I've signed every gun control petition that is out on the internet, I've written my congressman and senators, and signed up for the million kids march and I've hugged everyone tightly. So not much more to actually DO. Yet despite my action to try to repair the world, those families still lost children.
Other scary things in recent past? Let's see -- there was the terrible terrible tragedy of a nanny having a breakdown and stabbing two young children to death in their apartment. 10 blocks from my house, and very much in my community. The mother was out with her middle child at swimming when it happened. Where I take B to swimming. I have a nanny that I love and trust with my child, but this was so, so close to home. It scared everyone I know. It broke my heart and was completely terrifying.
Then there was the hurricane. In which people we know lost everything they have, others died when trees suddenly fell on them, and two children got pulled out of their mother's arms by rising flood waters and drowned. Also completely terrifying. Because I cannot imagine living as that mother with that loss and guilt and sadness.
And then most randomly, a mentally ill person pushed a passenger in front of a subway. And he died. I'm afraid of very little in the city, but that actually happens to be my irrational fear, but it turns out to be not so irrational after all.
People die every day. People die random, unplanned, tragic deaths every day. And every one of those people should be mourned. Yet somehow in my community, in my world, there seems to be just so much that is scary and sad and it makes me question if or how I can protect my family. I guess I can't really keep B in a bubble, with me at all times in our home. But there is just so much sadness and fear.
This is so damned depressing. But it's been a rough month with a lot of crying. There is just so much sadness these days, I hope that we can all pull together to make things a bit brighter for us and our children.