Today, I am a crazy person

I've managed to keep the crazy at bay for the most part for the last six days.  But today?  Today I can barely focus on a simple task because all I can think about is tomorrow's u/s.  Which, for those who want to tune in, is at 3.30 pm.

I've been having some brown spotting, which I know is nothing to be worried about (but of course it makes me anxious nonetheless), still having some pulling/ stretching feelings from down below, and am a bit tired and constantly starving, but otherwise... crickets.  No other symptoms. And frankly I'm probably tired because B gets up at 6am.

29 hours seems like a long time from now.  Maybe if I actually did some work (heaven forfend) the time would go faster?

I've convinced myself that this has worked

Which is basically a recipe for disaster.

Before we get into how my head is completely f*cking with me (because you know, its my *head* and I couldn't possibly control it), I think that it's important that we review the numbers:
- National SART stats for likelihood of live birth per cycle for women 41-42 (with previous ART cycle and prev. live birth): 14.5%
-My age: 41 years and 50 weeks
- Number of embryos I transferred: 3, all 8-celled
- Days post-transfer: 7
- Days remaining until test: 5

What I'd really like to know are the cumulative live birth rates for my age cohort, but I can't seem to find that.  If anyone has them, feel free to share!

So while several of the comments raise the possibility of triplets (and here I say Heaven forfend!), I think that I am much more likely to have zero babies than any number greater than zero.  Because I am old.  And my eggs? They are even older.

But instead of understanding these numbers and internalizing the very low probability of success this cycle, instead I am letting myself open the door to a bit of foolish optimism. It's absurd, and violates my belief in always assuming the worst and then being pleasantly surprised.  Because at heart, though I am cynical, and bitchy and dark, I am an optimist and I just can't really believe that 15% means just that -- a 1 in 6 shot.

So why have I let my head screw with me (see above for how my head is totally on its own here, and pretty much outside of my influence)?  Because I am crampy.  Not in a "I'm getting my period" sort of way, but in a "something is afoot down there, there are all sorts of pulling and twinge-y things occurring."  So that has me totally convinced that I am beating the odds and am actually going to get pregnant with a take home baby this cycle.  I know that's ridiculous, but there you go.

Also, because we've never put back nearly this many embryos before (we are usually eSET people, but at my age we decided after much discussion that it was a waste of time to take that approach), my head equates more embryos in with much higher chance of pregnancy.  In short, I believe that it now HAS to work.

I'm heading for a huge, tremendous disappointment.

And now we wait

This cycle did a bit better in terms of yield:

15 retrieved

6 fertilized

6 still going on day 3 (although 2 were kinda cruddy looking and one was mediocre)

Transfer of three lovely 8-celled embryos was yesterday afternoon, and now it's time for waiting.

I hate the waiting. Really. (Yeah, we ALL hate the waiting but I hate it Right. Now.)

Plus, they told me not to lift heavy things, which means I can't pick up my baby for a few days. Sniff.

I'll know what's up by Monday the 30th. That is AGES from now. Thankfully, my mom is coming in for the weekend, so that should be a good distraction.

Guess what? I'm waiting.

I feel like trying to have a baby is one huge cosmic effort to teach me patience. It's like some children's fable where the girl who always wants things now Now NOW has to wait in some uncomfortable way to teach her a lesson that what she really wants is better if she patiently waits for it. (Alternatively, if this is an Andersen fairy tale, she gets cooked up and eaten by a witch because she was impatient.)

So yeah, I'm learning to wait, and yeah, I haven't died yet from the waiting, although I swear there have been a couple of times when I thought my head might literally explode. And I repeat things to myself like "it's only another week" or "what difference does a month make" or "in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks isn't that much time." But really, I am seething under the surface, mentally trying to will this process forward.

Because it's all well and good for me to be a model of patience and forbearance, but it sucks mightily to watch every single other woman on the entire planet just go out and get knocked up exactly when she wants to and then enjoy life with the children she had no trouble creating. Why am I the only one who has to be patient, for fuck's sake? (Sorry, I'm working myself up.) I know I know I'm not the only one, but that is just how it seems to me, and it just feels shitty. And unfair. Really fucking unfair.

What am I waiting for this time? Since I stopped the bcps Thursday, I am now directing all of my energies towards willing my period to arrive. All indications are that it should be here some time real soon, and once it does come, I'm on the express train towards another ER. So please please please body -- hurry along already! I'm seriously going mad waiting for this cycle to get started.