Monday, May 7, 2012

One step forward.

Beta more than doubled again to 920.  Doubling time of 40 hours.  I'm (I can't believe I'm writing this) 5w1d.  Or 19dp3dt.

Per the smart people on the internet, my beta levels are still well within the normal range.  I just appear to be 1-2 days behind.

And estrogen, while still low, is on an upswing at 41.  Progesterone 23 (due to the 1 inch needle I jab into my ass nightly).

The nurse and RE seem very happy with where things are going.

I am still terrified, as this is just so much lower than my values last time.

Just for recap, because typing these numbers calms my brain, here's where things are:
12dp3dt   39
14dp3dt   104
16dp3dt   264
19dp3dt   920
u/s at 22dp3dt or 5w4d

My one other experience with pregnancy?
10dp5dt 254
13dp5dt 1326
u/s at 5w6d

Frankly, I'm still convinced that this is going to end badly.  Here's my options:
- Nothing in my uterus on Thursday.  I think this is not that likely because doubling has been normal, but it's a possibility.
- Empty sac.
- Sac and fetal pole but miscarriage sometime before 12 weeks.  Because I read research (thank you, google!) that indicates that beta levels lower than the median are indicators of increased miscarriage risk, especially in older women (happy birthday to me).  And I can't even think of how horrific this would be, but I know already that it would gut me.
- Sac and fetal pole and then heartbeat and other good stuff.  I can't yet wrap my head around this one.

So yeah, I am portending doom. Not because I want failure, but because I need to protect my tender soft parts that are trying to attach to the idea of something growing inside of me.  I want this to work quite badly, and I will be devastated if the little flicker of life goes out.

This is hard.


  1. Okay, I know I had a wonky pregnancy with a vanishing twin. But with Tiny Boy my level at 5w1d was LOWER than yours, and there was a sac at 5w2d, yolk at 5w4d and heartbeat at 6w2d.

    I think the only person more stunned than me was my RE.

    I know what the internet says. I also know that my experience with LG was like yours with B. I had higher than twin values with her.

    But This is possible.

    Got my crossables crossed.

  2. hang in there- I know so many stories of low betas being ok in the end. Hoping for this for you.

  3. I think it's impossible not to compare numbers, your current betas to your healthy baby betas, to average betas on the internet. But I think it's true what they say: that each pregnancy is different.

    This has always been the hardest wait for me - between the positive test and the ultrasound. It's really hard to be in that wait but you are very nearly there. I'm crossing everything for Thursday.

  4. Hang in there - your numbers suggest different implantation dates for this cycle vs. the previous cycle. Hoping for you that all is good on Thursday, but I certainly understand the fear and anxiety - been there. *hugs*

  5. wow! Hadn't been keeping up and I hadn't realized you had gotten a BFP! I know this waiting bit is hard. Hoping that you get good news from the ultrasound on Thursday. I'll be following!

  6. It is so hard to be positive when there are so many variables out there waiting to muck things up. I hope that all goes well and that you'll have a baby in your arms in roughly 34 weeks.

  7. This is the yuckiest toughest time (IMHO). Hang in there, maybe stay away from Dr. Goggle for awhile, lots of hugs to you my dear.

  8. Makes perfect sense to expect the worst, and I can only imagine the endless cycle of thoughts going round and round. Must be absolute hell. BUT today, anyway, you are pregnant. I'll be sending loads of love your way tomorrow.