I wish I could blame the shots (which I just typed as "sh*its" in a Freudian slip of the fingers), but I can't as they started on Friday and I felt pretty ragged all day. I just feel as if I am doing a crap job at everything -- at being a mom, being a wife, being an employee, being a friend. I feel like I am sucking at all of them and still running ragged.
Friday several members of my team went out to lunch and didn't ask me. Happens more often than I'd like to admit (they are all younger, single, hang out after work, etc.), but it really has started to grate on me. I feel like I am in junior high school. And what's more annoying is that I care as much as I would if I were in junior high school, which is crazily stupid on my part, but I just can't stop from feeling bad.
On Saturday night we went to dinner with a friend from Chicago and her husband. At the last minute she invited along our mutual friend who lives near me but has been pretty much absentee as a friend, despite the fact that we are both moms of boys the same age after several years of IVF. And it was just awkward, because I couldn't get past the fact that I resent the woman who has essentially dumped me as a friend. There were some other details that are too boring to mention, but I need to just get over it and yet it has deepened my sour mood.
So basically, I feel as if everyone I come into contact with is being incredibly annoying. My tolerance for bullshit is about zero, and my ability to fake it and be nice is also somewhat impaired.
I walked in the door yesterday evening. Early! To spend an extra bit of time with the wee one! And he started to cry and asked his nanny to pick him up. So I took a deep breath, took the dog outside, and continued to take deep breaths until the desire to bawl my eyes out passed. And while B got over his crying by the time I got back with the dog, I felt even worse than I had before I came home. (Of course, it took only 3 minutes with him before I felt better, so coming home early turned out to be the right idea.)
I don't have the faintest idea what I am doing. Am I making the right decision to work? I kind of need the money and health insurance, so stopping is not really an option. Am I making the right decision to pursue a second child when I can barely keep my head above water with one? What is wrong with me that I feel so incredibly lonely right now and when I think of how much I love my little boy I can barely keep from crying?
I feel I need a nap. Or a cookie. Or a hug.