I wish I could blame the shots (which I just typed as "sh*its" in a Freudian slip of the fingers), but I can't as they started on Friday and I felt pretty ragged all day. I just feel as if I am doing a crap job at everything -- at being a mom, being a wife, being an employee, being a friend. I feel like I am sucking at all of them and still running ragged.
Friday several members of my team went out to lunch and didn't ask me. Happens more often than I'd like to admit (they are all younger, single, hang out after work, etc.), but it really has started to grate on me. I feel like I am in junior high school. And what's more annoying is that I care as much as I would if I were in junior high school, which is crazily stupid on my part, but I just can't stop from feeling bad.
On Saturday night we went to dinner with a friend from Chicago and her husband. At the last minute she invited along our mutual friend who lives near me but has been pretty much absentee as a friend, despite the fact that we are both moms of boys the same age after several years of IVF. And it was just awkward, because I couldn't get past the fact that I resent the woman who has essentially dumped me as a friend. There were some other details that are too boring to mention, but I need to just get over it and yet it has deepened my sour mood.
So basically, I feel as if everyone I come into contact with is being incredibly annoying. My tolerance for bullshit is about zero, and my ability to fake it and be nice is also somewhat impaired.
I walked in the door yesterday evening. Early! To spend an extra bit of time with the wee one! And he started to cry and asked his nanny to pick him up. So I took a deep breath, took the dog outside, and continued to take deep breaths until the desire to bawl my eyes out passed. And while B got over his crying by the time I got back with the dog, I felt even worse than I had before I came home. (Of course, it took only 3 minutes with him before I felt better, so coming home early turned out to be the right idea.)
I don't have the faintest idea what I am doing. Am I making the right decision to work? I kind of need the money and health insurance, so stopping is not really an option. Am I making the right decision to pursue a second child when I can barely keep my head above water with one? What is wrong with me that I feel so incredibly lonely right now and when I think of how much I love my little boy I can barely keep from crying?
I feel I need a nap. Or a cookie. Or a hug.
((((((HUG))))))))
ReplyDeleteSeriously, there must be something in the water (or is it in the shots??) because I've been feeling pretty crap lately too. Irritated by everyone? Check. Fighting tears? Check.
I have nothing helpful to offer you, other than to say, I'm right here with ya, sister. Right here.
It must be the shots, right? Maybe not the hormones themselves (although it is totally the hormones) but just the feeling of being back on them again. Doing this IF thing again. It just sucks.
The daycare thing is the worst. The positive spin is that you've got a childcare situation that makes your son happy, and that's a GOOD thing in the long run. It took me a long time to understand that I saw childcare as being about *me* (like, I need to work therefore you need to be in daycare) instead of about *her* (why should LG give up her fun day and go home just because I'm done working?).
ReplyDeleteHere's a virtual hug.
I could use a nap, too.
Cookie right here for you. And a warm sunbeam sofa with a pillow for a nap. I know what this kind of streak feels like and I will blame the sh*ts. It's so easy to second guess everything when you are down, but you are making good decisions, and you are a good friend. Don't sweat the ones that have moved on, old friends and good friends aren't always the same things.
ReplyDeleteSending virtual cookies and hugs your way. I hate those times where it just feels like everything is working against you and you just feel so out of place. I'm so sorry you're stuck in it right now. Hoping things start looking up soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your foul mood. Working vs. SAHM is a really hard hard decision, and I don't think any woman doesn't go back and forth on that one a million times a day (whatever she's decided-- it isn't ideal!). As for work, well, I totally alienated everyone at work during my year of IF (which was my first year here), and now everyone just thinks I'm an unfriendly bitch. I've let it go-- and maybe I AM an unfriendly bitch, so the shoe still fits). But anyways, I get you there.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, I was just thinking similar negative thoughts today (PMS, for me). That I suck at my job, and still can't make enough money, and I am not doing a very good job of creating a nice life for P, and, and and... phooey).
I hope things turn up soon.
Here's an enormous internet hug and a tasty internet cookie. Given what you've been through recently, to say nothing of what you've been through in the past, this seems like a very reasonable place to be. Pissed. Sad. Frustrated. A big screw you to the co-workers. It sucks to be excluded, and I feel you. It's very much the kind of thing that would hurt me even if I didn't want to go to their stupid lunch. Bastards.
ReplyDeleteAnd a big GO TO HELL to the friend who dumped you. I wonder if seeing you just reminds her of what she went through and she just wants to forget it...but it's stupid that she couldn't be better about the whole thing, whatever her STUPID LAME REASONS. Of course you resent her. I resent her!
And just this morning I was thinking: "I'd better prepare myself psychologically because there is going to come a time when Bun Bun wants her nanny rather than me." I bet you a million dollars that no amount of psychological preparation is going to make a difference when I go through that experience. It breaks a mama's heart.
In conclusion, you are making the right decisions, both to go to work and to fight for that second child. I wish to hell that you didn't have to keep fighting. It's not fair. You should be f*cking pregnant right now. There's not a damn thing wrong with you, you're just a strong woman feeling beat down by shitty circumstances. Much love to you, and if you need anybody stabbed in the face, just let me know.
I bet I feel like that once a week. Some weeks worse than others. Hang in there. You will feel better soon.
DeleteOh I'm sorry:( It sounds like a perfect storm of events - hormonal, professional, emotional. You name it. You've been stormed upon. And that's a shitty, shitty feeling.
ReplyDeleteYou are so not crap at everything you're doing. Though, I think it's impossible not to feel like that once in awhile. If life is a juggling act then life with a baby/toddler is a juggling act to the nth degree.
I would have a very thin skin about the team at work AND the friend. Both are crappy, childish situations. And while it would be so much nicer - and better - to rise above it, it's almost impossible when you're confronted by it (i.e, at dinner or in your workplace). They're asses. One and all.
And on the nanny/work front, all I can say is: I'm sorry. It sounds like you caught B in an off moment, and who knows what happened before you walked in? Something that put him into an iffy mood, I'll bet.
Here's hoping that things are looking a whole lot brighter...
I just had a day like that. It sucked monkey balls.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I had a day that wasn't like that, and all the things I felt terrible about didn't really seem very important. Why can't it always be like THAT?
Anyway, I hope you have lots of the other kind of day, pronto. Chin up; you're doing good work.