Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
What I also could not have anticipated is how enormous he would be -- considering we brought him home at 5.5 lbs and 19.5 inches, that he is now 31 inches and a whopping 25.2 lbs is simply shocking. He's enormous. And funny and very mobile, although he still prefers the army crawl to the standard hands-and-knees version. And he can stand up all by himself, which is pretty terrifying.Every day he seems to learn something new -- he claps, gives high fives, feeds himself, drinks from a sippy cup -- and he knows songs. I can sing one song and he will be sort of disinterested, but if I sing another (She'll be coming 'round the mountain, in particular) his face lights up and he bounces up and down. His brain is evolving daily, and I can practically see it happening.
We are so so lucky.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I got my period the day B turned 7 months. Then, about 29 days later, I got it again. B is 9 months and a week old, and I'm still waiting. That's a cycle of 40 days, and that's waay longer than normal for me.
I know that it takes a while for cycles to even out post pregnancy (and I called my OB and she reminded me of this fact), but it would be SO nice just to miraculously be pregnant. I know it is not the case and I know it is not even remotely likely, but magical thinking is sometimes very therapeutic, you know?
I told DH over the weekend that my period was late. He sort of panicked. And then proceeded to ask me "is it here yet" every 8 minutes. Or so it seemed. And on Monday he was at the store and picked up some fancy HPTs. Two to a box.
That night, I used one. I know you are supposed to test in the morning, but you couldn't just put the sticks in front of me and expect me not to use them for 12 hours, right? So I did, and it was negative. And I was surprisingly disappointed, because I thought that this would have really very nicely resolved the disagreement over how (if) to go about having a second child that we are having. And everyone would have won.
And then some spotting started last night (just a wee bit), and today there is just a wee bit more. But that isn't usually how I roll on a monthly basis. Once the spotting starts, the full on flow is usually only a few hours behind. So now I am perplexed. And weirdly, foolishly hopeful again. Which seems more cruel than fair, since I've taken the first HPT but I still have neither my period nor a positive result.
I know that if I use the second of the fancy-dancy HPTs tomorrow morning, my period will come on strong by 10-11am or so. Either way, I'd like to just get on with it and move forward.
Monday, November 7, 2011
For those of you long time readers, you might recall that I was going to switch REs after our last FET, seeing that my first 2 cycles didn't work. So I spoke to New RE last month and he suggested that, before we make any plans, I get AMH levels tested to see if I am even still in the game.
So last week I went in to New REs office to get bloodwork done.
It was weird.
It was weird because I kept looking at my watch knowing that I couldn't be late to get home to B since our nanny had to leave at a time certain. It was weird because I could look people in the eye and smile. It was weird because I didn't have that sense of panic and dread weighing heavily in my gut.
Turns out my AMH is fine. It's 1.1. I can't seem to dig out the info about what it was last time it was taken back in 2009, but my lack of comparative data isn't freaking me out. I'm curious, but not obsessed. And mostly, I can't seem to dig it out b/c the file is in B's closet and I forget to look when I get home. Because when I get home I need to hear how his day was, what he did, and see all of his new tricks. (Clapping was the most recent, and it makes both B and I laugh and laugh.) And the clapping and laughing are way more important than my hormone levels from 2009. (OK 4 days later, I did look it up and it was 1.28 in May, 2009. The rate of decline so far is not bad.)
So now I am wondering -- if I don't feel that burning desire, is that trying to tell me something? Or is wanting another child in a less intense way actually normal and natural, and the intense longing only caused by the pain of infertility? Partially I think that I am trying to convince myself that maybe I don't want this because of the disagreement with DH about approach (he is in the "no more IVF" camp, I am not). But the thing is, I think it is ok to want something but not be consumed by desire for it. And even without that crazy all-consuming want, I'm ok with the IVF, because, well, that's kind of what we need to do to have a child. Maybe I've blocked out how horrid it was, and maybe I believe that this time couldn't possibly be as bad because of B.
I feel like, because I don't know how to change my husband's position, that I am trying to convince myself that I don't want something that I do, and I am using as an excuse how I was feeling 24 months ago. But actually, if I am honest, I know that it's a good thing that the wanting isn't as painful and terrifying. And it's a good thing that I can walk into a physicians office and not feel gut-wrenching panic. And that it is ok to want something that might be hard even though you may be alone in the wanting. And once again, I know that not being able to get pregnant without intervention makes everything so. much. harder.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Friday I ended up at the drugstore near my office with a friend of mine from work. She is just married, 31 years old. Husband is 37. So in my world, they are very young (we are 41 and 46). I was buying tampons because on B's 7-month birthday my period came back. And it appears to be back for keeps, since 31 days later it came back again. Coworker was buying ovulation predictor kits. Because they have been trying for 2 months and, according to her, her husband was starting to freak out that she wasn't pregnant yet and was thinking they needed to go see a doctor.
And while I would wish the pain of month after month of failure on no one, and certainly not on her because she is lovely, I was surprised at how much it bothered me that there are people who think that 1-2 months of trying is a lot. And who take it for granted that it will work. And for whom a couple of months of timed sex actually does work. Because it bothered me so much that I still can't stop stewing about it. I kind of wanted to shout "are you f*ing kidding? 2 months at your age? you have no idea what you are talking about! do you think that this is magic and just happens with a snap of your fingers? it is NOT easy."
But, as it turns out, for some people it is easy. And I just happen to resent the hell out of them. Yeah, it's not mature or kind, but I still struggle with the unfairness of it all.
I think this was harder than usual because at casa Irrational we have been discussing whether we should try for a second child. I'm all in and ready to go (we have been lulled into thinking it's a good idea by B being a very easy baby), and would do another ivf cycle next month, but DH doesn't want to do any more intervention. His view is that if it happens it happens, and if not, he is ok with that too. What that means to me is that it most certainly is NOT going to happen, and then my window of opportunity will definitely be closed.* There is more to discuss with us, for sure, but that is where we are now.
So I resent the people who can just be more casual about having kids and actually have the option of no assistance. Being infertile just makes so many things so hard.
*Note: there is much more to say on this, and I know that, for those struggling to have their first child this seems crazy at best and greedy and ungrateful at worst. I love without measure my little boy, and if I never had another child that would be OK. But a second child is still something I'd like and it still stinks to have to work so hard and negotiate so many obstacles to have the option.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Luckily, we've been on vacation (you know, from my stressful maternity leave) for the last week, and it was great and a good distraction for me. Benjamin was a champ on both flights, which were long (NYC to CA) and adjusted well to new surroundings. He is now on west coast time, so we need to bring his bedtime back to 730 from where it is now at 11. Of course I'd prefer to keep him a late night baby if I'm going to be working all day, but I know that is a bad idea, and not good for him, and all of those things. But still... The thought has crossed my mind more than once.
While on vacation, the wee one managed to go swimming for the first time, go into the ocean, roll over from front to back twice in one day (so we know it's not a fluke) and find his feet and get them into his mouth... And since we were with grandparents the entire time, others got to share these moments as well.
And I'm sure there will be more moments, but I'm going to miss them all because I will be working.
I'm very lucky to have a great job that I really like with a really flexible workplace and a very generous salary. And the work is stimulating and I have great colleagues and I feel good about the positive things we do (i work for a foundation that gives money to poverty-fighting causes like food pantries and homeless shelters). And we also could really use the income and the benefits, since my DH works for himself presently. But despite all of these positives, right now my job might as well be in the salt mines.
Shit. I'm starting to cry again. I already miss my little boy.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Fathers day is hard for me. Always is. My dad died suddenly when I was a kid -- 14 years old. And while I have healed and am a generally functioning adult, his death left his mark. I find that, now that I have a child, I miss my dad more than I have in a long, long time. Maybe it because I sing songs to my son that my father used to sing to me, or maybe it's because I am just sad that he doesn't get to know his grandson (or adult daughter, or son-in-law, for that matter), but I find myself crying more often than usual, and it's hard to blame the hormones when my baby is 5 months old.
After my dad died, my maternal grandparents, who lived nearby, stepped in and became very very active parts of our lives-- we saw them at least every week and they were at every school concert, play, and graduation until I finished grad school. My grandmother died 3 years ago after several years with Alzheimer's, and my grandfather, who was possibly the warmest, most generous man ever, died in March. He died peacefully and quickly, at 95 years old, in his home where he still lived independently.
He died 31 days after my baby was born, and 3 days after B's expected due date. So my grandfather knew he was a boy, knew his name, and knew he was healthy and that i was doing well. He got to see the baby over the magic of video chat, but I had not flown home for our first visit since we were instructed to wait until B had his 2month shots. But my great regret is that I did not make it home with the baby before he died. My grandfather was in great shape, and aside from being old, we had no reason to believe he would not live longer.
So while I had hoped that this year father's day would be a happier time-- after struggling to have a baby for so long, my husband was finally a father, it was hard and I'm still reeling a bit.
Making the day both better and perversely worse was that we had a lovely day visiting my in-laws. My FIL, who isn't the most laid back of guys, spent a ton of time on the floor with the wee one, and it was really wonderful to see him so happy. He has cancer, which is in remission, but still hangs over his head like a sword, and so this baby has really been a fabulous boost to his spirits. I love that this little boy can, just by being there and wiggling and smiling, bring so much joy.
So it was a really nice day for my MIL and FIL and DH, and for me too. But not too far beneath the surface was sadness that my dad doesn't get days like that with his grandson. That i don't get days with my child and my father. And that my grandfather, who gave me so much, never got to hold his only great-grandchild. He would have loved this boy more than the world-- I know this because that's how he loved me, his eldest grandchild.
I'm sad. I miss my dad and I miss my grandfather.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A year ago we put the last of our icicles back in for what we really thought was a total waste of time cycle. I had already done orientation at clinic number two where I was hoping to have more success since I had not managed to get a beta greater than 5 during 2 ivf and an fet. I admit that ivf 1 and fet 1 were both single embryo transfers, but after 4 back in and no pregnancy I was losing hope.
Fast forward to today -- I have a wonderful, happy, cuddly baby boy asleep in his room. I could not possibly feel more luck or grateful, and still surprised. That little ball of cells in the photo tht we gripped super tightly after we went home is a really human being now. The source of the kicks and the pokes and the endless heartburn can smile and laugh and shake his rattle. Despite the fact that I know where babies come from, I still have the hardest time putting it all together in my head. But even if it still seems amazing (and honestly, I hope this sense of gratitude and wonder never fades), I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I've had a lot of experiences and done a lot of stuff in my 41 years -- professionally and personally -- and this is by far the best and most important thing I have ever done.
Monday, June 13, 2011
I had no intention of waiting a month between posts, and I have composed many in my head during this time, but somehow I never seem to find the time or the mental space to make it happen (and I haven't been able to pull it off while hooked up to the milking machine, fancy portable iPad notwithstanding). I don't want this to be a summary post, as that doesn't really interest me, so I will hopefully this will be the first in a series of posts that have been in a holding pattern. But seriously, with my recent track record? Who knows.
So what has been going on? I love my little boy more than I ever thought possible. I love the way he smells, the way he holds my little finger when I am feeding him, how he smiles at me when he sees me, and turns his head when he hears my voice. I love his laugh, and most of all I love love love his little voice, since he has been cooing like crazy these last few days. He is so sweet and so earnest and is trying to desperately to communicate. My eyes well up with tears pretty much every time it happens, but I don't want him to think that talking makes me cry (but it does!). I can't really figure out why the cooing just melts my heart, but I think its because it is his individuality coming through for the first time, and I can see how he will one day use that same voice to make words.
Here's a recent photo -- he looks like such a little boy in this picture and he's a bit confused because he just rolled over and is not quite sure what happened....
Saturday, May 7, 2011
My little one turned 3 months old on Tuesday! It's a testament to how crazy busy I am (or feel) that I've been wanting to post since then but have not yet found the time. But it's Saturday night and our social calendar is pretty wide open, so we are home and hopefully by the end of the evening this post will be finished. I hope. But it's looking like a long one, so buckle your seatbelts.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
So as it turns out, when you are an infant, people (like your mom) can dress you up in funny outfits and you cannot do a damned thing about it. Except make funny faces and look sort of put out, which is what Mr B resorted to when I put his sunglasses on.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I can't believe my little baby is 2 months old! To mark the occasion, here's a comprehensive posting about what's going on (I stole the idea from others -- seemed useful!)
DEVELOPMENT: He hasn't smiled yet, but he is doing a whole lot more looking and following people, their voices, images in his books (esp. the b/w ones). Considering he was so early -- he really is only one month past his due date -- we are assuming he is fine. But man -- I'd love to see a smile. Sometimes when he is dropping off to sleep he makes a bunch of funny faces, to include a smile, but I don't think it counts unless he is fully conscious. But despite the lack of smiling, he does appear to know who I am and his eyes follow me around, which is remarkably emotionally gratifying.
Monday, March 28, 2011
B is asleep, after much wrangling - I think I swaddled and then unswaddled about 4 times, which may be a record. Long gone are the days (yeah, that's funny - the kid is only 54 days old) where we could swaddle a wide awake babe and place him in his crib, where he would drift off to sleep without a peep. Now there is rocking, and shushing and rubbing to induce drowsiness before he is put to bed. And if he's not yet ready? He will fight like hell to get out of the wrap, and grunt and cry until you liberate him. And sometimes (as in tonight, I *think* he's ready to sleep well before he actually is. But now, and hopefully for the next 5 hours or so, he's asleep. The video monitor shows him sleeping peacefully.
And I'm not complaining - he is a wonderful sleeper and usually is asleep from around 8-9pm until 2-3am and then until 7-8am. So while it's a long wakeup, it's only one. Of course I am up to pump at 1 and then after he goes to sleep at 4, so I get extra time awake, but its worth it to me to get him the good stuff to eat.
And on that, thanks to all of you for your comments - very much appreciated. I'll be emailing a couple of you for LC recs - I've seen two, but am open to more views to get this sorted - I am on mat leave until July so there is plenty of time to feed full time.
And on that, the latching seems to have improved - it is nearly pain free at this point - he was causing these vasospasms (basically draining the blood flow by compressing) and then for an hour or so afterwards there was pretty excruciating pain as blood flow came back.think of when your toes get really cold and then you warm them. And then put that feeling onto your nipple. It was not awesome.) But he's still not getting enough, as evidenced by another feedathon that resulted in him still rooting around looking for more. So right now, we have a supply shortfall, but I'm hopeful that it is solveable.
Ok - pumping done. I'm off to bed. I hope he stays sleeping!!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wow -- I've tried sitting down to post about 100 times, and yet never quite make it (and now should be napping, but...).
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I'm both excited and terrified, but the baby looks great on the monitors and it appears that out is better than in. So I have to trust my doctor and the staff here to take good care and make the right decisions.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
However, I've got other stuff going on - I'm in the hospital. I went for a standard, scheduled sonogram to check on baby size and position. All looks good with le bebe - still breech, about 6 lbs - and that is a huge relief.
The problem? My amniotic fluid volume is very very low - like 1.5l instead of 5l. And so I'm here, hooked up to an IV and spending the night.
But heart rate is good and there's tons of movement, so no one is worried about the baby right now. But this is likely something I'll be fighting for the next month, if the IV does the trick.
The plan is to measure me again tomorrow, and if the levels are still low, I'm having a c-section at 1130am. My OB gives it about 60% probability that tomorrow will be the day.
I had actually already come to grips with the c-section since this baby was breech, so that's fine. But we are NOT READY and the baby is still very very small. So I'm kind of freaking out, trying to be more centered and calm than anything else.
But mostly, I'm just dealing with things like furniture delivery, buying clothes over the phone and washing sheets.I think my brain can't take the fact that tomorrow there may be a baby.
Did I just write that? Holy mother of g*d, there might be a baby tomorrow!!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Can you tell that I am in some amount of denial about how the baby gets from inside me to out in the world?
Can you also tell that I am going to ask for an epidural at my first opportunity?
Overall, though, class was pretty good. We opted to go for the "low threshold" class -- 3 nights of 2 hours each plus a hospital tour -- and this was a good first introduction, although I knew a lot already since I've read a couple of books about labor/ delivery (despite the fact that it was much more natural-childbirth focused than I am, I quite liked The Birth Partner. ) But I suspect that many of the things that seem so simple now are going to completely flee from our minds once labor actually arrives.
A couple of observations:
- My husband and I are like small children and kept giggling. At pretty much everything, to include the naked women grunting their way through childbirth. And at any mention of pee.
- We are not the oldest parents in NYC. That should not be a surprise, but it makes me feel good.
- I'm not actually that enormous, compared to the other women at the class. Again, made me feel good. Although 2 of 6 other women were teensy weensy. WhatEVS.
- The Boy's ability to focus and count breaths needs to improve: when asked "how many breaths in the last minute?" He shouldn't answer "ummm, 4 or 5?"
- Breathing exercises are funny when your eyes are open. Closing them relieves some embarrassment, but there was still a lot of giggling.
High point of the evening: after going over all the material, when the instructor asked another guy what to do if his wife was 32 weeks and having contractions every 5 minutes, and he said "I'd tell her to relax." (The correct answer is "call the doctor.") I was quite heartened to see that the Boy realized what a grave error this other father-to-be made and looked at me knowingly --he and I both know full well that I will remove his head from his body if he tells me to "just relax" when I am experiencing contractions with that regularity.
I'm going back to the OB tomorrow for another check-in. Le bebe was very much not head down last time, so I will be interested to see if it has flipped over. I think not, as I am feeling what I believe to be a very sharp shoulder above my navel, but we will see. I'm not worried about the breech thing yet -- still have time for flipping -- but for my own personal comfort I wouldn't mind a flip over (see comment about sharp shoulder).
It's all getting to be very real -- and I'm really getting very excited.