Friday, August 24, 2012

It is 630 am and I have an IV -- Updated

I am having a hysteroscopy today. Sitting in pre op with this annoying and kinda painful IV waiting for my surgery at 730. And I'm terrified.

This is irrational. I have been under anesthesia before. I am being seen by my Very experienced Dr. But I am afraid I am going to die. I have no idea why. And now I am starting to get all teary.

DH is home with B, and they were both asleep when I left. I am just scared I won't see them again.

I think it's because  this is a new procedure for me and because I am in main hospital with all sorts of other people having ambulatory surgery.  So I am with sick people.  And that makes me feel sick. And like something is going to go wrong.  Which I know is irrational as noted above. But there you are.

So the hysteroscopy is to make sure that all looks ok after the miscarriage and d&c. You know, since the last cycle failed and if we are going too succeed we want to check out everything that is check out-able

And maybe I am scared because I know that we are kind of pulling out all the stops for this next cycle and I am afraid it is going to fail.

I want another child. I miss the baby-mess of B and would like him to have a sibling. And I know that  B has filled my heart with such joy and I feel that I have the capacity for more.

But first I must focus on today and not panicking. Or dying. Man I am a mess today. And my IV hurts.  I just want this to be done and to be 25 weeks pregnant. Like I would be if that miscarriage had not happened.

I need to calm down. Wish me luck.

clearly am still among the living. 
I clearly am also somewhat embarrassed about being sort of hysterical this morning.  Something about this really got me worked up - couldn't fall asleep last night, was fearful and teary today -- the whole thing was very unusual for me. Usually I head off to retrievals, transfers, etc by myself with no worries.  So something else is going on, beside the scary hospital context.

I sort of remember speaking to the dr after I woke. Apparently there was some scar tissue at the top of my uterus that they removed. And we will get all the path results next week. Hopefully those will be clear. In the meantime, i am monitoring ovulation in advance of a co-culture procedure on/ about the 6th, after which point my period should come and we should be cleared for another round.

But I think I hit it on the head this morning: I'm worried that the stakes are very high and that I am quickly running out of  runway on child number #2.

More on that later, as child #1 has just discovered I am home and I think we both need a hug. 


  1. I am so sorry you're feeling so panicked.... I think part of that is that you're a mom now and we're terrified of leaving our children. The procedure is going to go just fine and hopefully you'll get the answers you need to move onto your successful IVF! I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts all day...xoxo

  2. This will be done quickly and being under is really much better than not (I did not have anything stronger than Advil for mine as I was getting on a plane after). It is extra scary being alone in a hospital and IVs are uncomfortable. You are so strong and you are amazing. This is one of those things you do for love. I'm so sorry that you have to have this at all, but it will help toward that sibling goal. Deep breath. Be good to yourself as you recover.

  3. Good luck'! Hope it all went smoothly!

  4. Oh, I'm sorry. (My hysteroscopies were done in office and no anesthesia...nothing more than cramping...the hospital environment is horrible). But answers, esp treatable ones, are good.

    I will also say that if you want to have another baby, you will. Not necessarily on the timeline you want, and not necessarily the way you want, but you choose when this story ends. No one else.

    Thinking of you.

  5. Oh, that panic and anxiety is all too familiar with me and I wish there was an easy out, but I have yet to find it. Just remember to breathe, and try not to think about it. Everything will be just fine and it will all be behind you before you know. Good luck today and I'm thinking of you!

  6. I hope by the time you are reading this you are all done, home and happy to be there. I hate anesthesia too - I just took 800mg of Advil, it was done at the office.

  7. Hope all went well. I hear you on the wanting #2. Hoping for you that the next cycle goes well and you get your BFP!

  8. Hoping that all went well for you today with surgery.

  9. sending you lots of love and good luck. I find that since M was born I get panicky like that from time-to-time, that I'm going to leave her motherless, that I won't see her again. It's scary and sad. I hear you. I hope the procedure went well despite the nerves and all looks good for another cycle. I am so sorry about the miscarriage. 25 weeks. Wow. That would have been a wonderful place to be. Hang in there.

  10. I also definitely understand the panic associated with the (very slim) possibility of orphaning your child. Sometimes I just sit around an worry that I will get cancer. How fucked up is that?

    I also understand the urge to have number 2 is just as strong as the first time-- it just doesn't feel right to have so much love, and only one little object for all of it! Two would definitely even things out a little more.

    I am glad that the procedure went well, and that they found some scar tissue (hopefully the removal of which will help pave the way to a cushy 9 month residency for someone!).