In case you all were thinking that I bounced back from the past two days and am now back to my normal, relatively chipper self, I'm not.
Talked to my RE yesterday afternoon. His view is, this is very concerning and unlikely to end with a take-home baby, but let's wait and see what happens and go back next week (Tuesday) for another fancy ultrasound with the really unpleasant and not especially gentle with the wand tech. So I'm back to waiting.
I feel like I am just walking around, going about my business, while this embryo -- this little tiny potential -- is dying. And I cannot do a f*cking thing about it. This is maddening, and terrifying, and sad all at the same time.
And I am at work and I am terrified that the scary bleeding will start again without any notice, just like it did before.
And I fear that this was my one statistical shot at pregnancy and I have blown it. That somehow I did something wrong -- picking up B too many times, vacuuming the apartment, walking stairs -- that caused this bleed that is ending the pregnancy.
And I don't want to have to be cheerful with my 23 week pregnant coworker (remember her? the "I told my family at a positive pee stick and I've got my crib set up at 9 weeks"?) nor do I want to have the conversation with my boss today about how I will have to do her job during her maternity leave.
I just want to curl up and hide and go back to Sunday at 5pm before the sh*tshow started.
Remember my post from about 2 weeks ago? The one that laid out the options? This is clearly the worst one. The problem is that each time I made it over another hurdle, I grew more and more comfortable with the idea that this pregnancy would make it. And now, well now it's just gutting me to know it will not, and that we will have to wait until the end of the summer to try again.
Dear Universe: if you are going to be a d*ck, please do so quickly, instead of dragging it out and really allowing a false sense of hope to accumulate.
Talked to my RE yesterday afternoon. His view is, this is very concerning and unlikely to end with a take-home baby, but let's wait and see what happens and go back next week (Tuesday) for another fancy ultrasound with the really unpleasant and not especially gentle with the wand tech. So I'm back to waiting.
I feel like I am just walking around, going about my business, while this embryo -- this little tiny potential -- is dying. And I cannot do a f*cking thing about it. This is maddening, and terrifying, and sad all at the same time.
And I am at work and I am terrified that the scary bleeding will start again without any notice, just like it did before.
And I fear that this was my one statistical shot at pregnancy and I have blown it. That somehow I did something wrong -- picking up B too many times, vacuuming the apartment, walking stairs -- that caused this bleed that is ending the pregnancy.
And I don't want to have to be cheerful with my 23 week pregnant coworker (remember her? the "I told my family at a positive pee stick and I've got my crib set up at 9 weeks"?) nor do I want to have the conversation with my boss today about how I will have to do her job during her maternity leave.
I just want to curl up and hide and go back to Sunday at 5pm before the sh*tshow started.
Remember my post from about 2 weeks ago? The one that laid out the options? This is clearly the worst one. The problem is that each time I made it over another hurdle, I grew more and more comfortable with the idea that this pregnancy would make it. And now, well now it's just gutting me to know it will not, and that we will have to wait until the end of the summer to try again.
Dear Universe: if you are going to be a d*ck, please do so quickly, instead of dragging it out and really allowing a false sense of hope to accumulate.
Oh, no, please don't blame yourself for what's going on. I know it's hard not to think about all the what-ifs, but it's not your fault. I'll be praying that there is good news for you on Tuesday. I know it's a long wait, but hang in there. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThere's no bouncing back, there's just muddling along. And I agree with Sooz - it's not your fault. My guess is that you could have stayed in bed from the positive blood test and this still would have happened.
ReplyDeleteHope is a very difficult thing to contemplate in this situation. But to say that I am pulling for this dark horse is an understatement (and at the same time I understand perfectly that you need to steel your heart).
Oh, honey. I am just catching up here, and I am so sorry for all of this sorrow.
ReplyDeleteBut there is no way you could have caused this, you hear me? You did everything right.
I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you.
ReplyDeleteThis is NOT your fault, okay? SCHs happen...and that may or may not be the cause of what's happening to the embryo. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Truly sorry, having been there multiple times myself. But you didn't do this.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. :-(
ReplyDeletePlease be kind to yourself, you did not cause this to happen, it just does (especially when we are older). I'm so sorry you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteIt's got to be sickening to have to wait through this, and yeah, it's ridiculously unfair to have your hopes raised and crushed and raised and crushed. But like the others say, you did everything perfectly. This is hellish. But not your fault, just a horrible toss of the coin.
ReplyDeleteUgh, this sucks. Especially when you feel like your statistical odds are already so stacked against you. And definitely when you feel like you could have done something to cause this (which, of course, in your other brain you know is totally illogical). Wishing for you that the days pass quickly until you get some resolution. The not knowing is the worst. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI am just so sorry-- I hate that you have to endure this, it is indeed the worst possible news. I wish you could have some certainty, at the very least. And you know you did nothing to cause this... but I know it is so hard not to wonder. Thinking of you and hoping that the universe is a dick for the shortest possible period of time.
ReplyDeleteI am just so very sorry. Words are hardly worth anything I know, I wish I could offer more. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteE
It is not your fault, it is nothing you did. SCHs just happen. End of story. I'm so sorry you have to wait this out, that is insult to injury. And go ahead, be a little rude to the pregnant coworker. I say its ok (and maybe a little therapeutic!).
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are in waiting hell. I agree with all above that this is absolutely not your fault, but I know that you will still want to second guess yourself nonetheless - it is only natural. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeleteOh no! I'm so sorry. This is so unfair. But please know that you didn't do anything to cause this... I'm so sorry you have to wait this out ... I'm pulling for you in hopes that this all turns around. And as far as the pregnant slut at work - be as rude as you'd like! Thinking of you ...
ReplyDeleteI just caught up on your last few posts and am so shocked, sad, and feel sick so my stomach for you. I know you know this rationally, but to say it again for you, "there is nothing you could do to change whatever is happening." Really. There is no fault to hand out here. I will keep my fingers crossed that Number2 hangs in there, or that at least you got some definite news soon. I am so sorry. Love & kisses, inB
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