Monday, October 1, 2012

Giving up

How do you know when it is time to give up?  I may be nearing that time.

I had my most recent egg retrieval last week (Thursday) and while 13 eggs were retrieved, exactly zero fertilized with ICSI.  Actually, let me be more specific.  Eight were mature, and none fertilized, and then they attempted to mature and fertilize the other five, and while three did fertilize, none of them made it to a place where they were worth transferring.

I know I'm old.  I get that.  But because I always made loads of eggs and have managed to get pregnant twice I always thought that our issue was just age and not anything more complicated than that. And maybe that still is it (I guess really crappy eggs don't fertilize or divide properly, right?).  But we are waaay waaay below the norm for fertilization rates for ICSI for women in my age cohort (we've never been above 40% and now we've hit 0%) and so it's clear that something is not working at a molecular level.

I spoke with my RE before the immature ICSI results were back, and he agrees that it is time to look at a more scientific (vs. clinical) level at what is going on.  But I'm not sure that these shrinking odds are worth it.

I don't know where to go from here.  I am heartbroken.

17 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so sorry.

    Is it definitely an egg issue or could there be a sperm problem?

    Would you consider non-genetic options for parenthood?

    I'm just so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry it didn't work. Oh I understand the whole crappy eggs things. Every cycle I get excited by ovulation but I know the chance is really low. Wishing there was something else that could be done to help you get pregnant. Just another reason why we are wanting to move on to donor eggs if possible.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something more I could say!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm grappling with the same question - when do you know you are done? I don't have an answer either, unfortunately. I do think a crappy cycle would help me come to reality, but ya know, even when faced with that, I'd still be terribly sad.

    hugs, sweetie. it just is not easy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It so diffcult to face this reality. I know myself how it feels after cero embryos on two IVFs. I did not wish this devastating news on anyone. Hang in there, and do what your heart tells you. There is not a good answer unless you have came to terms with it0((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  7. There is (unfortunately) a HUGE drop off in fertility after 40. I really feel your pain. I am 41 have one wonderful 19month old son after 6 rounds of IVF. I'd really like to have more but after my last FET ended in a m/c I decided that one was all I was going to get. It's sad, it sucks, but one is better than none. Sending you lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so sorry about your latest results and that you are in this place of heartbreak. I wish there were more I could say or do.

    ReplyDelete
  9. ugh. fuck. i'm so sorry. this just sucks. i'm thinking of you ... i wish there was more i could do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't know you...but a tear crept out as I read this post. I too know a few things about the disappointment of this journey and am keeping you in my thoughts. Big hugs coming your way.

    ReplyDelete
  11. So sorry, and so right there with you :-/ I didn't even give my 42-year old eggs an IVF chance so I applaud your determination to do so. Wishing for you resolution to all of this - whatever the right thing may be for you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh sweetie, I'm so terribly terribly sorry. I've been wondering where you were but am so shocked to read this, and so sad. My thoughts are with you as you guys decide what the next step will be.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ugh, this just sucks.

    Even though I know you need to make a decision about your plans for next month, I do hope you will try and give yourself the time to come to terms with the limits of treatment and what that means (and even to change your mind. I don't think you have written much about whether you are considering donor eggs or other options).

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey-- How are you doing in the wake of Hurricane Sandy (and in the wake of this latest disappointing news)?

    ReplyDelete
  15. out here thinking about you. hope you are ok.

    ReplyDelete