Monday, August 27, 2012

How is it possible that my baby is almost 19 months old?

My little tiny 6-pound baby is a big boy.  Almost a grown-up, as I see it.  Not only is he the size of a 2.5 year old (over 3 feet tall and about 31 lbs, and most impressively wears a size 7 shoe), but we went away on vacation for two weeks and he came back both able to speak in sentences and very interested in playing independently.

We rented this awesome farmhouse in upstate NY for two weeks -- it was an old house that had been expanded and redone and was both very spacious and comfortable as well as super cozy.  And it had central air, which is huge for us city dwellers that live with window units all summer long.

Best of all, the house was on 200 acres and there were pastures with a herd of cows and a bard with three horses right across the road.  And since it was a pretty quiet dirt road, it was very easy to get to them every morning and say "hi cows" "good morning horsies."

It was a great trip -- we would take a walk in the morning, all eat breakfast together on the porch, and then have some sort of activity for the day -- whether it was driving into the nearby town (30 minutes away) and having lunch and going to the bookstore or going to the park with the lake for swimming, there was usually something new to do.  But honestly, there were probably a couple of days where we just hung out in the backyard and Ben played with dirt and sticks (can someone explain to me the whole little boy fascination with sticks?) and threw things into the small stream that ran behind the house.  And it was wonderful.

Maybe because we live in the city and there aren't as many clean places to play like that, I worry that Ben is missing out on a lot of unstructured play that is important to childhood.  Because while we are very lucky and live right on Central Park, I just don't get the same wholesome feeling from him playing in park dirt that I did when we were out in the country and the dirt was "clean."  So I think that this will be our last summer that we are not away most of the summer -- it's too nice to be outside and to have space and fresh air to restrict it to only two weeks.

We keep talking about buying a place upstate, but this, like so many other things, hinges upon whether we have another kid.  Like so much else, we really don't know what will make the most sense for our family until we know whether we will be three or four.

But while we are sorting that out, I still am in awe of what a big, grown-up boy I have.  Last week he told me "mommy put buckle through loops close it" which basically means I put my belt through the loops and then close the buckle. And every time he hears a plane he looks up and says "I see airplane! See it!" And he has, once or twice, spontaneously said "I love you mommy."  And honestly if that he is the only child we ever have, for that alone, he will be enough.

WIth that, I will leave you with some photos of my big, grown-up boy playing on the farm. It was really wonderful just to sit back and watch him play.  Now that he as (mostly) stopped shoving rocks and sticks in his mouth, we can give him a lot more room to roam!

Friday, August 24, 2012

It is 630 am and I have an IV -- Updated

I am having a hysteroscopy today. Sitting in pre op with this annoying and kinda painful IV waiting for my surgery at 730. And I'm terrified.

This is irrational. I have been under anesthesia before. I am being seen by my Very experienced Dr. But I am afraid I am going to die. I have no idea why. And now I am starting to get all teary.

DH is home with B, and they were both asleep when I left. I am just scared I won't see them again.

I think it's because  this is a new procedure for me and because I am in main hospital with all sorts of other people having ambulatory surgery.  So I am with sick people.  And that makes me feel sick. And like something is going to go wrong.  Which I know is irrational as noted above. But there you are.

So the hysteroscopy is to make sure that all looks ok after the miscarriage and d&c. You know, since the last cycle failed and if we are going too succeed we want to check out everything that is check out-able

And maybe I am scared because I know that we are kind of pulling out all the stops for this next cycle and I am afraid it is going to fail.

I want another child. I miss the baby-mess of B and would like him to have a sibling. And I know that  B has filled my heart with such joy and I feel that I have the capacity for more.

But first I must focus on today and not panicking. Or dying. Man I am a mess today. And my IV hurts.  I just want this to be done and to be 25 weeks pregnant. Like I would be if that miscarriage had not happened.

I need to calm down. Wish me luck.

clearly am still among the living. 
I clearly am also somewhat embarrassed about being sort of hysterical this morning.  Something about this really got me worked up - couldn't fall asleep last night, was fearful and teary today -- the whole thing was very unusual for me. Usually I head off to retrievals, transfers, etc by myself with no worries.  So something else is going on, beside the scary hospital context.

I sort of remember speaking to the dr after I woke. Apparently there was some scar tissue at the top of my uterus that they removed. And we will get all the path results next week. Hopefully those will be clear. In the meantime, i am monitoring ovulation in advance of a co-culture procedure on/ about the 6th, after which point my period should come and we should be cleared for another round.

But I think I hit it on the head this morning: I'm worried that the stakes are very high and that I am quickly running out of  runway on child number #2.

More on that later, as child #1 has just discovered I am home and I think we both need a hug. 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Well that sucked

I got the results of my cycle this morning as we started homeward from our two week vacation -- negative.

I'm not that surprised since the embryos all kinda sucked -- 6,5, and 4 cells at three days, when usually mine go to 8, but I am wondering whether this relatively crappy cycle (11 retrieved but only 3 fertilized with icsi) is a sign of things to come and that my fertility has in fact fallen of a cliff.

Basically, I'm starting to think that this 42 year old is just too old for this bullshit and I should give up, strong desires for a second child notwithstanding.

I haven't spoken to my dr yet -- we are in the car and have a sleeping baby and only sketchy signal (and so sorry for typos, too).  I will try to connect with him tomorrow.

Anyway sorry for not commenting a lot recently -- I was trying to kind of checkout from this whole thing during the wait. I have been reading the last couple of days, and will re-engage soon.

Fuck. This pisses me off.  I kinda thought that after the last cycle miscarrige shitshow  I might catch a break.   Apparently my notions of "fairness" are not at play here.