Wednesday, April 11, 2012

On competition

I'm not that competitive. Well, let me strike that. With things I am good at, I like to to well and to win. With things that I am not yet that good at? I couldn't really care less. That train led me to become a rather good student and a rather mediocre athlete, because I never could muster up the energy to try to beat people who cared more and might actually have been better.

Case in point, I was at a friend's and they wanted to play with the Wii. Ive never used one and I don't especially like video games (and as it turns out have very little facility for them). All I wanted was for the annoying loud game to stop. I sucked, but I also didn't try because I didn't care.

But on Words With Friends, which I have just started playing (late adopter of the iPhone) where there is a good shot of me winning? I'm kind of crazed. And although Liz at Womb for Improvement just handed me my ass in a game, I really try.

So what's the point? The point is that I am now bound and determined to get pregnant and have a second baby because I ran into my friend (and here) in the waiting room at morning monitoring. Despite her adamant protestations that she was "one and done" since it took her many cycles the first go round, there she was at 7.30am. And even though she says "oh we are certainly not going to do that many rounds again" I don't really believe her. At all.

So I know that everyone has the right to share or not share what they are thinking about their family planning choices. I know that, and I do much the same thing. And I know that people change their minds about what they will and will not do. But still, I'd like to think that I would just not say anything about what we would do in the future instead of firmly stating a position. Especially to someone that I am supposed to have some sort of trusting relationship with and who may have shared some personal information or thoughts with me.

Either way, there she was.

And now, despite the fact that we went into this new IVF-athon with some boundaries set (we said we would do up to 5 embryo transfers, since that's what it took to get B), now I'm thinking all bets are off. Because I would really like to have two kids and I certainly don't see why she should get what she wants and I should set some sort of arbitrary limit on getting what I want.

OK. When I write that, it sounds ridiculous. And so perhaps I was more sanguine about the limits before I started up with the shots and the calendars and the daily monitoring again. Because now? On the eve of my second transfer? I want this sh*t to WORK.

It was funny, actually. As I was walking to the subway after I ran into my aforementioned friend, I said out loud to myself "Damn. Now I HAVE to make this work." I knew immediately that her trying for a second baby would make me feel differently about our attempts at the same. What I can't really understand is WHY her presence jolted me out of my more lackadaisical attitude. Could it just be competitiveness? That's crazy and stupid. I actually think that it is closer to the truth about how I feel and I've just been trying to be lower key about this attempt. At least I hope that's the truth. Because having a baby because someone else is is idiotic. Really, even I know that and I'm all hopped up on injectable hormones.

Maybe a little competitive streak isn't bad when it helps surface feelings that you were trying to hide because they were scary and could lead to disappointment. But the wanting is out there now -- I'm not as convinced about our limits on cycles and I'm not convinced about our eSET approach (more on that in another post). What I am convinced of is that I really want to have another baby.


  1. Ha! I love this post! Even though I know what you're going through isn't remotely funny, I can SO relate to that sucky competitive-envy feeling, and the total bafflement that surrounds it. I hope you OWN that bitch in the ttc#2 games!

    And on another note, how odd is your relationship with this woman at this point?!?!?! I re-read the linked posts, and MAN... you guys will probably both get knocked up with twin girls on the same day, and she'll STILL refuse to hang out.

  2. what are you doing in my head? seriously, it's crowded enough in here.

    your friend sounds...kinda unfriendly, frankly. (i have a habit of collecting those, myself.) i can definitely understand not wanting her to "win," even if that's a little silly.

    your last line makes me think of a friend who says she's generally not bothered by envy, because it helps her clarify what she wants. seems like even if this woman is not such a great friend and even if, written out, your competitive desires don't quite make sense, you've still gained something useful from it all.

  3. I think this makes a lot of sense. Seeing your friend and feeling that competitive/envy thing is good because it is real, and strong. Now you know what you feel deep down, and can radjust the TTC strategy as necessary. For me, seeing other pregnant women has actually made me realize that I don't have a twinge of jealously, and so don't want two. It can be sohard in life to figure out what you really want. I am glad you have had the realization. And now, I really hope you get it! come on little embryo, IMPLANT.

  4. It is so hard that infertility brings out all these negative feelings. As if it weren't hard enough already. I hope that you are able to beat her at her game though! What is the current stage of your cycle?

  5. I've been in a jealous competitive rage about one friend -- she didn't go through IF but was about 9 weeks ahead of me throughout this pregnancy and just had her little girl. Somehow, I couldn't bear hearing about any of it -- even though I was pregnant at the same time -- it pissed me off that she hit each milestone first and was so nonchalant about it all. I don't know what it is. I'm sure part of it is that it only took her 10 months and no treatments and so it generally pisses me off. But, even though I certainly don't want my babies to be born two months early, I was still pissed when hers was born first. Doesn't make much sense but it does seem to be out of some competitive thing.

    All to say. Yeah, I get it.