Case in point, I was at a friend's and they wanted to play with the Wii. Ive never used one and I don't especially like video games (and as it turns out have very little facility for them). All I wanted was for the annoying loud game to stop. I sucked, but I also didn't try because I didn't care.
But on Words With Friends, which I have just started playing (late adopter of the iPhone) where there is a good shot of me winning? I'm kind of crazed. And although Liz at Womb for Improvement just handed me my ass in a game, I really try.
So what's the point? The point is that I am now bound and determined to get pregnant and have a second baby because I ran into my friend (and here) in the waiting room at morning monitoring. Despite her adamant protestations that she was "one and done" since it took her many cycles the first go round, there she was at 7.30am. And even though she says "oh we are certainly not going to do that many rounds again" I don't really believe her. At all.
So I know that everyone has the right to share or not share what they are thinking about their family planning choices. I know that, and I do much the same thing. And I know that people change their minds about what they will and will not do. But still, I'd like to think that I would just not say anything about what we would do in the future instead of firmly stating a position. Especially to someone that I am supposed to have some sort of trusting relationship with and who may have shared some personal information or thoughts with me.
Either way, there she was.
And now, despite the fact that we went into this new IVF-athon with some boundaries set (we said we would do up to 5 embryo transfers, since that's what it took to get B), now I'm thinking all bets are off. Because I would really like to have two kids and I certainly don't see why she should get what she wants and I should set some sort of arbitrary limit on getting what I want.
OK. When I write that, it sounds ridiculous. And so perhaps I was more sanguine about the limits before I started up with the shots and the calendars and the daily monitoring again. Because now? On the eve of my second transfer? I want this sh*t to WORK.
It was funny, actually. As I was walking to the subway after I ran into my aforementioned friend, I said out loud to myself "Damn. Now I HAVE to make this work." I knew immediately that her trying for a second baby would make me feel differently about our attempts at the same. What I can't really understand is WHY her presence jolted me out of my more lackadaisical attitude. Could it just be competitiveness? That's crazy and stupid. I actually think that it is closer to the truth about how I feel and I've just been trying to be lower key about this attempt. At least I hope that's the truth. Because having a baby because someone else is is idiotic. Really, even I know that and I'm all hopped up on injectable hormones.
Maybe a little competitive streak isn't bad when it helps surface feelings that you were trying to hide because they were scary and could lead to disappointment. But the wanting is out there now -- I'm not as convinced about our limits on cycles and I'm not convinced about our eSET approach (more on that in another post). What I am convinced of is that I really want to have another baby.