Sunday, October 11, 2009


Sometimes good moods just elude me. Maybe it's that I have too much stressing me out, or maybe I have given into the frustration and gloom that accompanies my increasingly fervent belief that nothing for me is ever easy.

So today I woke up kinda gloomy, which is ridiculous, because it is a perfect fall day, with crisp air and blue skies, and have been trying to shake out of it. I just feel like I am trying, and failing at almost everything.

I'm trying to be in a good mood. It's not really working, and the Boy finally said that he was going to go out by himself the rest of the day, because I was being impossible to deal with. He's right, of course, because I know when I am a pain in the ass, and today is one of those days. So I will try harder later, and hopefully we can salvage the day.

I'm trying to find a job that I like. This is sort of hard, because I am tired of working, but don't really have the luxury not to work. Upon reflection, quitting my job during the worst recession since the 1930s may not have been a good plan. But I still think the idea was sound, and think that I will ultimately find something that I like to do. I just hate the "trying to find" part, because, well, it's just a lot of work and I am fundamentally in a lazy, not very optimistic, not very confident place right now.

I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not going great, as discussed, and now we are embarking on IVF after 12 months of trying a variety of other options and being tested and poked every which way. So we've ordered the IVF drugs and are starting in 11 days.

I'm trying to lose weight and get in better shape, since I have gotten heavy and really absurdly un-fit over the last several years. I'm making progress, but it's slow, and on days like today, I really really really want a cupcake. I'll just feel worse when I eat it, but damn do I want it.

All of this trying to do things takes a whole lot of effort, and what I want right now is for things to be easy and smooth. I don't want to be tested; I don't want to prevail over difficult odds. Dammit, I just want what I want and don't see why things have to be harder for me than they are for so many other people.

Yep -- re-reading that, it's clear that I have lost all perspective. I need to get the hell outside and go for a walk. This mood will pass, and I will realize that I am fundamentally lucky in that I am healthy, have a strong supportive family, have significant savings, am well-educated, etc., etc. I know this, and I try to focus on the good things.

But man oh man, today I just wish that things could be a wee bit easier, because trying is sometimes so hard.

Update (6 hours later):
I went for a 5 mile walk with the baby (yes, that's what we call our dog, M) in the lovely fall weather. Turns out, exercise almost always helps me feel better, so for now, at least, I feel like I have my shit back together.

I might have felt even better still with the cupcake, but I'm trying to stick to the diet. OK -- that's a lie. I did go to the cupcake store, and was in the process of selecting my treat when I realized that I had left the house with no money. The teenage girl behind the counter wasn't really interested in bartering the cupcake for the old hall's cough drop and dog pick-up bags I had in my pocket.


  1. i heard so much of myself in your post! i have been behaving like a spoiled brat all day ! you are under an enormous amount of pressure right now. going through IVF has been studied and found as emotionally demanding as going through cancer treatments and HIV treatments.
    Try to give yourself a break if you can. I have walked all over NYC this cycle just to try and get the demons out of my system.
    And sometimes, the cup cake is the way to go.

    Good luck with this IVF cycle. May it be your only one.

    and THANK YOU for all your support.

  2. Good luck this cycle- I am so sorry you have to do IVF, and am so hopeful for you that it will be

    Good luck and write yourself a love note before you get all fucked up on hormones, remind yourself that you are good and sane and smart and worthy, and that you love your darlin and you want a baby.
    and then, when the going gets rough, if it does (and it might not)-- reread that note and know it to be true. This journey is such a challenge as you already know.

    Wishing you ALL the best,
    thank you for your sweet comments.

  3. Just catching up on a couple of your posts, and am really sorry to hear about your husband's job situation. We've been through a little bit of that working extra for someone who assures you that you'll be more than have it all just be a lie.
    BCP's make me crazy too...
    Sorry you didn't get your cupcake, but the walk sounds like it was lovely!

  4. Your description of your fall day sounds lovely - so glad you went out to enjoy it. Exercise almost always makes me feel better too.