Monday, October 19, 2009

It's not anyone's fault

Today was a rough IF day for the Boy. He had done 2 SA's before, but both samples were done at home, and neither was analyzed by the lab at my RE. So today the RE's office called me with the results of last week's test.

Volume -- so so
Concentration -- fab (so then not a big deal about the volume)
Motility -- ummmm....
Morphology -- yeah... we have a problem.

So I know that the Krueger morphology test is super strict, and so a lot of men are below the 14-15% normal cutoff, but even the RE did note that he is pretty far below that number. On the two previous tests, he had been kinda borderline low, but something is apparently going on that has dropped his numbers off of a cliff. And while before most of the little guys were moving around, now more of them apparently were kinda tired and so were, well, resting, so the mobility numbers were low too.

The upside here is that the RE told me that this is not an insurmountable challenge -- we are already on track for IVF, and so we will just tack on the ICSI and so it isn't really that big of a deal (If it is a big deal, please someone tell me that I am just being naive.)

Frankly, I think this test is (in a weird way) good news -- if we know more what the problem is, then it's theoretically easier to fix. This leave me feeling really optimistic, but the Boy? Yeah, not so much.

My sweetie is basically all freaked out that our challenge in conceiving is entirely his fault. Usually he doesn't overreact like this, but this apparently touched a nerve. So now he keeps coming in and saying things like "I'm sorry you have to do all of these shots because I'm not able to get you pregnant" and "I feel bad that I asked to wait a few months before starting IVF, since I'm clearly the whole reason we have to do this."

I understand that he feels flawed and broken -- I've certainly been there, and will likely be back there again. But I am having a hard time convincing him that it really doesn't matter to me why we are embarking on IVF, but it just matters that we are in it together. I figure if I keep telling him that I'd rather do IVF with him than get pregnant with someone else's faster, shapelier sperm, eventually he will be able to hear it.

I sometimes forget that this is hard on both of us, but today, it seems that it is mostly hard on him. I just hate seeing him so unhappy.


  1. It is hard when we see our men taking this so hard - I know what you mean. Even though, for us, it is probably a combination of my old eggs and his crappy sperm, after we tried using young, fresh eggs and his sperm and it still didn't work, my hubby took it pretty bad and blames himself now for all our failures. I constantly do my best to reassure him. I guess that's all we can do. Remember that this is hard on everyone involved and try to be as loving and supportive as possible even when we are feeling low and crappy ourselves.

  2. ICSI is not a big deal. I agree with you that it's good that this aspect is able to be overcome pretty easily. I can't imagine what goes on in a guy's brain about this. You obviously didn't marry him for his sperm morphology but because you love him and want a life with him. I hope you manage to get through to his soon so that he doesn't beat himself up too much.

  3. My husband had super poor morphology numbers on the Kruger strict, and bad morph numbers by the regular method, so his dr. started him on a supplement. Of course, moving on to IVF with ICSI you don't really need supplements - if you were just doing IVF they'd probably help.
    Your poor hubby - I know it must be hard for him to think that he might be the reason you've been unable to get pregnant. Our husbands try to protect us and take care of us, and they can take it pretty hard when they feel like they've failed. Hopefully, he'll realize that you don't blame him for anything and go a little easier on himself.

  4. Poor bloke. I think the important thing is not to apportion blame. I'm sure you've already let him know that you are in this together and whose 'fault' it is is irrelevant - it is the end result that counts. And if he wanted to wait before IVF then that is fair enough, you both have to be ready.

    Best of luck.

  5. just a voice to pipe in - Will's motility is around 20% and his morphology using kruger criteria is usually less than 1% (not a typo). sometimes up to 3%. And we've gotten pregnant naturally 3 times and twice with IVF, no ICSI (ICSI cycle was a failure). Our dr. in fact thinks morphology really doesn't matter. not sure what NYC clinic you're at, but just wanted to share.