Friday, November 13, 2009

Collateral damage

One of the things that I hate about this whole damned process is how it has screwed with our otherwise normal sex life. Here's what I think may have driven the train off the track:

- Month upon month of scheduled mandatory sex. Not only is it not awesome to have to do it on demand, but my work schedule made it really rough. Because I used to travel about 70% of the time, for us this has involved us shelling out and taking last minute flights or train trips, leaving the office and then running back, waking up really early to wedge in a "session" before a 7am call, and once a conference call put on mute because we were literally not going to have any time before I left on an unexpected week-long trip. Honestly, there's nothing sexier than hearing your co-workers talking about financial reports while you are trying to get it on. Try it -- it's awesome.

- Oversharing about what is going on in my nether regions. Ovulation cramping, the need for "first morning pee" for the OPKs, the regularity of my periods, and -- and this one was clearly a strategic error on my part -- discussions of cervical mucus changes. This was way waaay more than he wanted to know.

- Emotional meltdowns at, well, at almost anything. This includes the arrival of my period, the announcement of friends' pregnancies, births, childrens' photos, the pregnant woman in front of me in line at the grocery store, a scene in a movie, children in a playground. Turns out that (a) being somewhat OCD about TTC and (b) being a snotty, blotchy mess isn't that attractive. And while he is good at consoling, and really sweet, that whole thing from the movies where the handsome actor kisses the weepy starlet's tears away as a prelude to a steamy sexual encounter? Yeah, that's not so much us.

- Dates with a cup. He hates it, and I can't really blame him for not being super amorous afterwards. And mediocre results didn't really help him feel better about things.

- Irrational rages, often directed at the Boy. I know I know that it isn't his fault that the lup.ron made me a complete wingnut, but he definitely took the brunt of it. And he's taken the brunt of a lot of other rages at the unfairness of the entire thing. Lessons learned: picking a fight is not the best foreplay. And makeup sex might work for other people, but we are more likely to need a makeup nap since arguing is so damned draining.

- The lurking sense of failure. Our sex didn't work, it wasn't productive, and we couldn't create a child "the normal way." It's not always there, but sometimes I just can't help thinking it.

I just want sex to be fun again. And not on a schedule. And just about us and closeness and not about breeding. I just want things to be normal.


  1. Absolutely. To all of it.

    If it wasn't for the on-demand circumstances, getting it on during a conference call might be kinda of funny...but more in the reality of telling the story later. I hope that one day you look back on it with humor. For now, it still sucks though.

    After I came up for air after this last IVF debacle, I found myself astonished one morning to actually just want to jump my husband. It actually took me back and made me smile.

    One day, right? {hugs}

  2. You how something is so ridiculously depressing that you just have to laugh? Well, I could have written every single one of those points (except for the conference call one :)), and I just nodded my head and said EXACTLY! And then just had to laugh out loud. Totally inappropriate, I know. And I think my hubby has similar reactions to yours...just doing their best to deal with their emotional wives.

    The mandatory sex is one of my least favorite "side effects" of infertility. You always hear that once you have kids, the sex goes out the window...but no one talks about the years it takes to make those kids. Shoot, trying to get in the mood with a newborn crying in the other room might just very well be easier on the sex life...

  3. I don't know if it helps, but you're definitely not the only one who feels this way! We're going through a lot of the same stuff (again, not the conference call one), and it just sucks. Hope it gets better for you....

  4. I found so many points of reference in your post (like the commentators above me though - not the conference call one!). Mandatory sex, 5.00am sex, sex after a session with a cup or wand - all soooo unsexy.

    I hope it gets better soon, all of it.

  5. I know EXACTLY what you mean - it sucks! Even though we've given up trying to conceive naturally, I don't think we've recovered from the years of scheduled sex. It's something I need to work on - bringing some passion back, but all the IF stuff certainly destroyed what we had.