If I think about other things...

...then perhaps the fact that I am going in for a d&c this afternoon will be less frightening and sad.

Instead, I will think about how B is practically a grown up boy, and is such a cute and funny baby.  He is talking nonstop now (favorites are Tunnel and Bicycle) and he has started putting two words together -- mostly  noun verb ("Mommy back" or my personal favorite "poop change") but every once in a while he pulls out an adjective noun combo ("yellow bucket") and the fact that he is actually able to put words together in a way that is logical and communicates just blows me away.

He loves LOVES music (which is, for reasons unclear to us, pronounced somewhat like "newcuk") and has expanded his dance moves from the bounce in place to a spinning move and to lifting one foot and then the other. This last requires great concentration and sometimes a death grip on the wall or some other support, but he's getting it done.  But mostly, when he wants to dance (which is another thing he asks for all the time, usually at inappropriate times like when we are out in his stroller or getting ready to go to sleep), he wants to be picked up and spun around.  That, for B, is the best type of dancing.

Other new developments?  When B is tired at nap time or bedtime, he just says "niy night" and puts his head on my chest.  And then looks at me and says "bye bye."  Seriously, we have the world's easiest baby.

So today, when I am feeling pretty scared and pretty sh*tty about this whole m/c debacle, I am trying to remember that we are so so lucky.  We are not lucky just because he sleeps and eats well, doesn't really (yet) have temper tantrums and is pretty smiley and fun most of the time, but because he exists and is our baby and loves us and lights up with a smile when he sees us.

For real, now

Heartbeat was gone.

 Embryo was measuring just 1mm more than on Monday and 2 weeks behind, so clearly all was not going as it should. For the first time, I didn't look at the screen, just the ceiling, while I held DH's hand. I didn't need to see. At one point I laughed at something he said and the very sensitive U/S tech asked me to stop as she was trying very hard to find a heartbeat. So I couldn't even pretend it wasn't happening.

 No bleeding and just a small amount of brown spotting since Sunday, so I don't know if the SCH is gone or not, but it really doesn't matter. My RE was gone for the day by the time this was over, but he's working this weekend so he will likely call so we can discuss next steps. My view? Get it out get it done and move on to a cycle after vacation in early July.

 I have to admit I am relieved. I didn't want to see a lower number still sputtering or a slightly higher one just jerking us around. Aside from a miracle resumption of normal growth and hb, this was the best outcome. But this process has been exhausting. It's been the whole month of May -- the first beta was April 30. I'm ready for it to be over and done and move on.

 But I am still so sad. There was a little flicker of life that was very very wanted and now it's gone.

I feel like sh*t

In case you all were thinking that I bounced back from the past two days and am now back to my normal, relatively chipper self, I'm not.

Talked to my RE yesterday afternoon.  His view is, this is very concerning and unlikely to end with a take-home baby, but let's wait and see what happens and go back next week (Tuesday) for another fancy ultrasound with the really unpleasant and not especially gentle with the wand tech.  So I'm back to waiting.

I feel like I am just walking around, going about my business, while this embryo -- this little tiny potential -- is dying.  And I cannot do a f*cking thing about it.  This is maddening, and terrifying, and sad all at the same time.

And I am at work and I am terrified that the scary bleeding will start again without any notice, just like it did before.

And I fear that this was my one statistical shot at pregnancy and I have blown it.  That somehow I did something wrong -- picking up B too many times, vacuuming the apartment, walking stairs -- that caused this bleed that is ending the pregnancy.

And I don't want to have to be cheerful with my 23 week pregnant coworker (remember her?  the "I told my family at a positive pee stick and I've got my crib set up at 9 weeks"?) nor do I want to have the conversation with my boss today about how I will have to do her job during her maternity leave.

I just want to curl up and hide and go back to Sunday at 5pm before the sh*tshow started.

Remember my post from about 2 weeks ago?  The one that laid out the options?  This is clearly the worst one.  The problem is that each time I made it over another hurdle, I grew more and more comfortable with the idea that this pregnancy would make it. And now, well now it's just gutting me to know it will not, and that we will have to wait until the end of the summer to try again.

Dear Universe: if you are going to be a d*ck, please do so quickly, instead of dragging it out and really allowing a false sense of hope to accumulate.

Gone -- Updated

Heartbeat is gone.

 I am sad. That's an understatement, as I'm sure you can guess. Just empty, really. Can't really muster crying. Going in hopefully later today for hi res u/s to confirm what we know. Then will decide what to do.

Update: It's worse than we thought. Per the fancy machine at the maternal and fetal medicine office, embryo only measuuring 5w5d but still has cardiac activity -- 71 bpm. So it's not dead but dying. And there is a big subchorionic hematoma there as well.

 This means I'm going to have to do the whole thing over in a few days.

 Fu*k me. This could not be any harder.

Oh no

Just started cramping and bleeding and there was a big clot of something that I think was this pregnancy. Going in tomorrow to confirm but think its over.

Breathing

I can take a deep breath.

There was a heartbeat, at about 140 bpm, and a perfectly round yolk sac, and a little peanut shaped embryo measuring 7.7mm, or exactly 6w5d.

My RE has given us 80 percent odds of coming home with a baby in 34 weeks.  I will take those odds.

My RE has also checked me out and sent me off to my OB, who I hope will let me come in next week and every week thereafter for u/s.  Frankly, I'm not ready to leave yet, but... I'll take this over the alternative.

I am pregnant and I am relieved and I am happy.

Today, I am a crazy person

I've managed to keep the crazy at bay for the most part for the last six days.  But today?  Today I can barely focus on a simple task because all I can think about is tomorrow's u/s.  Which, for those who want to tune in, is at 3.30 pm.

I've been having some brown spotting, which I know is nothing to be worried about (but of course it makes me anxious nonetheless), still having some pulling/ stretching feelings from down below, and am a bit tired and constantly starving, but otherwise... crickets.  No other symptoms. And frankly I'm probably tired because B gets up at 6am.

29 hours seems like a long time from now.  Maybe if I actually did some work (heaven forfend) the time would go faster?

Well, there is something in there

A gestational sac was seen today in my 42-year old uterus (yesterday was my birthday).

While I would have loved to see a fetal pole and maybe a little cardiac flickering, since I am only at 5w4d and we all suspect a late implanter, my RE said things all look good.

They took blood too to check on HCG, estrogen and progesterone, but those aren't back until tomorrow.
UPDATE:  They are back.  Beta is 2664 at 22dp3dt.  E2 is now at 75 and progesterone is 22.
Doubling has slowed a bit to 49 hours, but I guess that is supposed to happen after HCG hits 1500 or so?

Either way, I'm clinically pregnant. Crazy. And exciting.

Now just 7 days until the next ultrasound.  Wow that is far away.

One step forward.

Beta more than doubled again to 920.  Doubling time of 40 hours.  I'm (I can't believe I'm writing this) 5w1d.  Or 19dp3dt.

Per the smart people on the internet, my beta levels are still well within the normal range.  I just appear to be 1-2 days behind.

And estrogen, while still low, is on an upswing at 41.  Progesterone 23 (due to the 1 inch needle I jab into my ass nightly).

The nurse and RE seem very happy with where things are going.

I am still terrified, as this is just so much lower than my values last time.

Just for recap, because typing these numbers calms my brain, here's where things are:
12dp3dt   39
14dp3dt   104
16dp3dt   264
19dp3dt   920
u/s at 22dp3dt or 5w4d

My one other experience with pregnancy?
10dp5dt 254
13dp5dt 1326
u/s at 5w6d

Frankly, I'm still convinced that this is going to end badly.  Here's my options:
- Nothing in my uterus on Thursday.  I think this is not that likely because doubling has been normal, but it's a possibility.
- Empty sac.
- Sac and fetal pole but miscarriage sometime before 12 weeks.  Because I read research (thank you, google!) that indicates that beta levels lower than the median are indicators of increased miscarriage risk, especially in older women (happy birthday to me).  And I can't even think of how horrific this would be, but I know already that it would gut me.
- Sac and fetal pole and then heartbeat and other good stuff.  I can't yet wrap my head around this one.

So yeah, I am portending doom. Not because I want failure, but because I need to protect my tender soft parts that are trying to attach to the idea of something growing inside of me.  I want this to work quite badly, and I will be devastated if the little flicker of life goes out.

This is hard.

Am I just being set up for disaster?

Beta today is 264.  I'm 16dp3dt.  Doubling time is 35 hours.

On the chart from BabyMed I appear to be really quite close to their average (which I assume is a median) for 19 dpo, which is 303.  (And thanks BabyMed.com for making it impossible to include my fancy chart.)

I go back for Beta #4 on Monday and then have an u/s (are you kidding me?) scheduled for Thursday.

But my E2 is still a bit low (no, I don't recall what it is), and this started so low that I can't get past the fear right now that this will go on for a bit and get me convinced it is going to work and then all come crashing down.  Last time I felt much more confident since my 10dp5dt beta was 254 and it was above 1300  3 days later.

Only time will tell, I guess. But sweet Jesus do I hate this part.

So, in summary, today, things look good-ish*, but I am scared sh*tless that this will all end badly.

*I have to qualify this because I don't want to jinx it.

And in other news...

My darling, wonderful, light of my life baby boy had his 15 month check up today.

First words out of the pediatrician's mouth? "So, I see you aren't getting any smaller!"

Baby boy is HUGE: 34" and 29lbs (before breakfast)!

But he was charming and chatty and did all of his excellent trained monkey tricks (he says his name when asked, he quacked when I showed him a duck, he said please and thank you) and only howled a bit when he got his shots (he has to get them in his arm because his legs are too fat).

Here's a gratuitous picture of my very cute (yea, I'm biased) little boy on a carousel.  He wasn't entirely sure what to think of it, but mommy and daddy and gramma all had a great time. And he is wearing his (my) favorite shirt with a rooster on it (thank you, mini-Boden for making cute little boy clothes without trucks or skateboards or footballs).

I'm still in the game

Beta is 104 at 14dp3dt.

Doubling time is slightly less than 34 hours.

Back in for another test on Friday (they initially said Monday but we decided that was unacceptably long!).

Huh.

I have to admit I am surprised.  And pleased.