This is my 100th post

This is my 100th post.

I frankly can't believe I've been at it this long, and am certainly not where I thought I would be when I started this blogging project. I thought this would be simple, and that IVF would solve our not-really-that-big-of-a-deal problem in getting pregnant. But I was wrong. I'm not pregnant and I've failed 2 IVF cycles. (Note for those of you who are detail oriented, I did a single embryo transfer for my first IVF and FET, so I count that as one. Because failing 3 cycles? That would be really bad.)

But because I'm apparently too stupid to acknowledge that there is a problem, I was actually trying to arrange it so that the announcement of my positive beta test yesterday would be the 100th post. I mean, wouldn't that have been cute? 1-99 would be getting pregnant and 100-whenever would be all about being pregnant. But it appears that I was a bit overly optimistic about this working. And to be honest, I feel like a bit of a fool for even thinking that way. Actually, I just feel like a bit of an idiot thinking that this was going to work for me at all.

I think that that is why this is so so fucking hard. Because I am (was?) optimistic that IVF will work for us, because it really should based on everything out there. I'm a fool because I let myself get hopeful. And I got hopeful because there is nothing that they can tell us that is wrong with either of us, because I appear to be responding quite well to all of the drugs, and that they think (thought?) that I was in pretty decent shape considering my advanced maternal age. But it appears that, alas, either my embryos all suck and so are not sticking or that something is going on to prevent them from implanting.

So something is clearly not working, and I'm bound and determined to figure out what the hell it is. And so I am distracting myself with activity and my action plan and next steps.

But really my heart is breaking into thousands of little pieces and I am not sure I will ever recover from this disappointment.

And again...

It's negative.

I feel as if I have been punched in the chest.

Really great pinot noir

Was had tonight. By me. And DH, but who really cares about that? And I drank a lot and am typing feeling somewhat woozy because guess what? I am not pregnant! Again! Awesome!

I have to say, even though I kept a little eensy glimmer of hope alive, still religiously took my meds, and avoided booze, rigorous exercise and hot tub/ sauna, I never really thought that my meager HCG number from Thursday would turn into anything viable. So I am not crushed, which I guess is good.

I'm actually trying to think about this as a positive trajectory:

- 1st transfer of 1 embryo -- negative

- 2nd transfer of 1 embryo -- low positive

- 3rd transfer of 2 embryos (we are going to keep the last frozen one on ice and do another fresh cycle) -- maybe a real positive?

I'm so doing all I can to keep my spirits up -- just getting ready for the next cycle and waiting for my period. But let's be clear, what I really want to do is to curl up into the fetal position and begin to cry.

There's a first time for everything

I'm not pregnant. The Boy doesn't even know yet, since he was still sleeping when I left this morning.

How do I know? Because last night, as I was walking through freezing pouring rain, I took shelter in a drugstore and, while there, bought my very first ever box of HPTs. I even bought the branded version. And since I bought them, I figured, why not use them?

So when I got home last night I tested. Negative. And while that empty space where a line should be felt like it was growing so large that I would be swallowed up inside of it, I went to sleep by rationalizing that it was still early and I'd get a more accurate result this morning.

And so this morning I tested again. More accurately, I tested at 4.24am when I woke up to go to the bathroom. And it was still negative. And so those wonderful rationalizations that I built up last evening just fell away like so much dust. The empty space where I was hoping beyond hope that a second line would be? It just screams "barren" to me. Because that's how I feel right now: like a fucking empty, barren wasteland. And lucky for me, I had 2 hours of lying in bed staring at the ceiling to think about how broken and fucked up I am, and how I clearly made wrong decisions that have led me to this point of trying to have my first child when I am almost 40, and just resenting the hell out of everyone who has this come naturally.

Because my mind is totally cluttered today, even though I know for certain that this had not worked, I am still taking the estrogen and progesterone. I know it is stupid and futile, but I'm just afraid of fucking something up, and so will take my medicine until told otherwise because I can deal with this not working, but I couldn't deal with it not working because I decided to just stop everything. Rational? No. But I'm not exactly in a really rational place right now.

Where I am is sad, and increasingly desperate as I approach my 40th birthday, and angry that I have to deal with this shit, and losing hope that this is going to work for us. I know that some of these are irrational feelings -- I mean, we only put back one embryo each time, and this is our very first cycle, and we still have one on ice. But I wanted us and our luck to be better than the statistics and have it work without a whole lot more emotional suffering. But that's clearly not my lot. More suffering clearly lies ahead, and today is just going to be a long struggle not to cry.

Porcupine

I went back to acupuncture today for the first time since right after the transfer of Dec. While I was really really really looking forward to the relaxation, I have to admit I was kind of dreading telling them that the cycle didn't work, and that I was starting on a FET cycle later this week.

For some reason, I just felt embarrassed it didn't work, as if it was something I didn't do right. Now, I know that's kinda crazy, and that I really am doing all that I can, but, well, there it was anyway. I guess part of the way I am dealing with it not working is by creating a logic by which it was significantly more likely NOT to work. Like "no, it's not that I'm old and have old eggs, but just that we only transferred one blastocyst, so we knew it might not work this first time. It has nothing to do with my inability to make a decent egg or provide a hospitable environment for the embryo to grow. Really, we were just doing a test run."

Which is of course only partially true -- there was nothing "test" about it, and I really did believe and hope like hell that it would work. But I feel better if I spin it to myself as if it were destined not to have worked.

But they were lovely about it, and said nice supportive things, and then we got on with it. She got to work on my lower back, which has been KILLING me, and has been "blocking energy to my abdomen" or some such thing. All I know is that a few of the needles in my but/ hips were really quite, well, something. It was clear that they were hitting some sort of sensitive spots. And yet even with all of the initial discomfort, and feeling like I had a porcupine sitting on my rear, I fell sound asleep, which was awesome. And I feel better. It's a marginal improvement, but I'll take it.

To top off an overall good afternoon, I wandered across the street to grab a decaf at the star.bucks. And guess what? They still had eggnog lattes on the menu! I seriously have asked at every single 'bucks in NYC, and there it was, right across from the acupuncturist! So even though it's a small triumph, I am still (6 hours later) quite happy about it.

So more loosening of the back/ abdomen on Thursday, in anticipation for the commencement of the FET... going in for initial monitoring on Saturday, and hoping to start lu.pron (did I just say that? That shit made me *crazy*) that night!

It's been a long few weeks of waiting since the negative right before Christmas. Honestly, I'm just beyond excited to get started again.

Moving forward (not so much)

I've titled this post moving forward, but I'm not entirely sure that it's true.

Much though I try to not feel horrible about not succeeding on our very first IVF try (and a very conservative transfer of only 1 5day embryo), I do. I feel horrible, and I am not doing a very good job snapping out of it.

I guess I just thought that, statistics to the contrary, that all of the hard work of the shots and acupuncture, and changing my eating habits, etc, etc. would work. Because they HAD to work. Because I really really wanted it to work and am a nice person and would make a pretty decent parent.

But it didn't, and I am just miserably unhappy about it.

I've been trying to do things that make me feel better, but instead I am just lying about wallowing. And eating cake. While baking the cake was fun and therapeutic, eating the cake is making me feel like a cow, despite the fact that I have gone back to the gym twice since Thursday (and I swear I am going today, just not until I eat another piece of cake.)

And tonight we have a birthday dinner for a friend from college and I've just been told that she is likely to announce her pregnancy to the whole group (she's about to hit 12 weeks). I'm really happy for her, but now just sadder for me. And I'm not sure whether I feel happier or sadder that she got pregnant naturally, after having conceived her first child through IVF and then recently failing an IVF cycle with frozen embryos and having none left on ice to work with. Because while I do think it's amazing and wonderful for her, I'm not sure why a little of that luck can't come my way. Why can't I catch that break?

At least today I spoke to the RE and got the green light to move ahead on the FET... today is day 2 and on day 21 I will start Lu.pron (fun!) for a transfer in Feb. But February? That is eons away. I can't believe how long everything takes. Infuckingfuriating.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that I had a ridiculous fight with the Boy that I basically started because I was unhappy about the recent pregnancy news? So just when I need him to hug/ talk me back into feeling ok, he's out running errands and cooling down? Fuck. This sucks. I wish I could just be happy for people instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time. (I know -- I can do that, but right now it's just hard.)

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Snake eyes

It didn't take.

Needless to say, we are pretty disappointed.

I'm trying not to wallow (although I just bought all of the ingredients to bake a cake tomorrow, so I guess that's sort of wallowing...) but I'm sad. And I feel sorry for myself. And generally resent the people who just get pregnant really easily.

The bright side?

- we have 2 5day blastocysts hanging out in the freezer

- we took a very conservative approach this time (only put one embryo back in) so statistically, this was more likely to not work than to work

- It was only our very first try with either IVF or IUI, so we learned something about how I respond to the stimulation drugs (and I responded pretty well, also a good thing).

- On our vacation over new year's, I can sit in the steam room/ sauna/ hot tub all I want, and I can drink.

That's all the bright side I can come up with. I'm sounding better than I feel, but I'm guessing that soon the effort will be too much and I will get all weepy again.