Monday, December 28, 2009

Moving forward (not so much)

I've titled this post moving forward, but I'm not entirely sure that it's true.

Much though I try to not feel horrible about not succeeding on our very first IVF try (and a very conservative transfer of only 1 5day embryo), I do. I feel horrible, and I am not doing a very good job snapping out of it.

I guess I just thought that, statistics to the contrary, that all of the hard work of the shots and acupuncture, and changing my eating habits, etc, etc. would work. Because they HAD to work. Because I really really wanted it to work and am a nice person and would make a pretty decent parent.

But it didn't, and I am just miserably unhappy about it.

I've been trying to do things that make me feel better, but instead I am just lying about wallowing. And eating cake. While baking the cake was fun and therapeutic, eating the cake is making me feel like a cow, despite the fact that I have gone back to the gym twice since Thursday (and I swear I am going today, just not until I eat another piece of cake.)

And tonight we have a birthday dinner for a friend from college and I've just been told that she is likely to announce her pregnancy to the whole group (she's about to hit 12 weeks). I'm really happy for her, but now just sadder for me. And I'm not sure whether I feel happier or sadder that she got pregnant naturally, after having conceived her first child through IVF and then recently failing an IVF cycle with frozen embryos and having none left on ice to work with. Because while I do think it's amazing and wonderful for her, I'm not sure why a little of that luck can't come my way. Why can't I catch that break?

At least today I spoke to the RE and got the green light to move ahead on the FET... today is day 2 and on day 21 I will start Lu.pron (fun!) for a transfer in Feb. But February? That is eons away. I can't believe how long everything takes. Infuckingfuriating.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that I had a ridiculous fight with the Boy that I basically started because I was unhappy about the recent pregnancy news? So just when I need him to hug/ talk me back into feeling ok, he's out running errands and cooling down? Fuck. This sucks. I wish I could just be happy for people instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time. (I know -- I can do that, but right now it's just hard.)

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


  1. I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. It is hell and it's hard to keep moving forward through it, but you do. I completely agree that especially when you're so raw after a recent loss like yours, it's way too hard to be happy for other people who have what you so desire. Is it possible not to go to the dinner? I know I try to avoid situations that are going to add to the pain. Take good care of yourself. Wishing you the best as you look toward February.

  2. Um, first off, you're SO allowed to feel sorry for yourself. And to wallow. This infertility crap sucks, and it's especially hard over the holidays, and especially doubly hard when you have to deal with other people's good news.

    That said, I'm sorry it's so hard. I hope it gets easier, and that the cake is delicious and that 2010 is a better year for us all. Thinking of you.

  3. I can so identify with that "can't catch a break" feeling. It is so, so difficult to watch others have success when it seems so elusive for us.

    In a bit of an intended pick-you-up, I WILL tell you that I've read the blogs of several women who have found success with their FET after a failed fresh cycle. So, although February sounds so very far away, I'm hoping and praying that this next cycle is it for you.


  4. I agree with Sprogblogger. It's totally normal, totally Okay to wallow. If you don't want to go to the birthday party, DON'T!

    I'm with you. I love baking/cooking. And then I eat the stuff and feel like a cow.

    Do be kind to yourself, to the mister.

  5. I could have written this same post, but rather than a friend announcing her pregnancy, a "former" good friend's husband called right after Christmas to let us know that they had just delivered their baby and told us what hospital they were in etc - needless to say, I didn't bother going to visit. I'm trying to be positive after my failed cycle too but find myself trapped in this depression. I hope you find your way out soon - February will be here before you know it.

  6. Baking always cheers me up too, but I can't have too many baked goods in the house because I will eat them all :).

    I'm sorry you have to wait until February to start the next cycle :(. You'd think after all that, they'd at least have the decency to not make you wait another month!