Much though I try to not feel horrible about not succeeding on our very first IVF try (and a very conservative transfer of only 1 5day embryo), I do. I feel horrible, and I am not doing a very good job snapping out of it.
I guess I just thought that, statistics to the contrary, that all of the hard work of the shots and acupuncture, and changing my eating habits, etc, etc. would work. Because they HAD to work. Because I really really wanted it to work and am a nice person and would make a pretty decent parent.
But it didn't, and I am just miserably unhappy about it.
I've been trying to do things that make me feel better, but instead I am just lying about wallowing. And eating cake. While baking the cake was fun and therapeutic, eating the cake is making me feel like a cow, despite the fact that I have gone back to the gym twice since Thursday (and I swear I am going today, just not until I eat another piece of cake.)
And tonight we have a birthday dinner for a friend from college and I've just been told that she is likely to announce her pregnancy to the whole group (she's about to hit 12 weeks). I'm really happy for her, but now just sadder for me. And I'm not sure whether I feel happier or sadder that she got pregnant naturally, after having conceived her first child through IVF and then recently failing an IVF cycle with frozen embryos and having none left on ice to work with. Because while I do think it's amazing and wonderful for her, I'm not sure why a little of that luck can't come my way. Why can't I catch that break?
At least today I spoke to the RE and got the green light to move ahead on the FET... today is day 2 and on day 21 I will start Lu.pron (fun!) for a transfer in Feb. But February? That is eons away. I can't believe how long everything takes. Infuckingfuriating.
Oh yeah, and did I mention that I had a ridiculous fight with the Boy that I basically started because I was unhappy about the recent pregnancy news? So just when I need him to hug/ talk me back into feeling ok, he's out running errands and cooling down? Fuck. This sucks. I wish I could just be happy for people instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time. (I know -- I can do that, but right now it's just hard.)
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.