Thursday, April 11, 2013

More of what we already knew

So here we are.

My body, by every possible measure, thinks I am very pregnant.  I have a 20 mm sac in my uterus and HCG levels well above 20,000.  I'm also nauseated, exhausted, craving protein and dying of thirst.

So yeah, I'm pregnant.

But not really.

Because, you see, there is nothing in that fast-growing sac.  Not a damned thing.

At this point, there really should be something. What's maddening (and very surprising to my RE, who is at one of the largest clinics in NYC and has been doing this for a while) is that my betas are and continue to be textbook doubling.  My gestational sac growth is perfectly on track.  But the sac is empty.

So I have scheduled another high-res ultrasound for Monday afternoon to confirm what we already know, and then am waiting to hear back from my OB to schedule a D&E.  At this point, there is enough tissue and other stuff in there that my RE is worried that I will end up in the ER if my body ever decides to do this on its own.

I haven't cried much, mostly because I just don't think it really helps me at all and I don't have the energy.  Except I did today.  After dry heaving in the RE's exam room, I pretty much lost it.  It's really brutal to feel like shit from hormones due to a pregnancy that isn't really anything at all. And then after I got to work to find that I had mis-remembered the time of a meeting that I was supposed to run and so was 30 minutes late, I first yelled at the coworker who informed me of that and then very nearly started crying in my office.

I'm pretty much on the ragged edge.  Things are starting to slip (paying bills?  not happening.  Cooking dinner?  Not so much.). Some people might wait for their bodies to just deal with this naturally.  Others might wait 2-3 weeks to confirm that no embryo magically appears.  I'm frankly not that interested in magical thinking at this point.

I need this to be over.


8 comments:

  1. This sounds like my first pregnancy (yeah, bad outcome, that) except my sac was on the small side. But regular starting point and doubling betas (got up to 65000+ before I tried methotrexate and D*=&C at 12 weeks. So I hear you on the desire to end sooner rather than later. But wish you didn't have to make the choice at all. Wish you had a happy ending.

    gwinne

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  2. I hope that the medical team can resolve this pregnancy for you soon.

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  3. This just sucks. I'm just so sorry you're dealing with this and with you on wanting it to just be done with. ((hugs))

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  4. Over. Hit the reset button. Yes. Please. It's hard to just cope with this without going through the motions for things like work. I hate crying at work. It feels like licking the scum at the bottom of an emotional barrel. Shit and double shit. I would offer to make the drive to just pour you a fat cup of tea at this point. I will hope for all of this to resolve quickly. It is unfair to say the very least.

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  5. Shit. Can you get a dr.'s note for work, or is it not that easy? Probably not that easy or you would have already.

    I don't understand any of this, and how it can be possible-- like, what is up with all the blood, when your betas are doubling and the sac is growing appropriately? And how the fuck is THAT even possible (to have an appropriately growing sac with nothing in it)? It's so horrible to be devastated and confused in these situations-- it reminds me of the ectopic, which took a long time to diagnose, and the location of the pregnancy was never identified... horrible.

    I agree with Misfits-- you need it to end. Now. Fuck. I hope that the u/s gives you the confirmation you need to move forward with a plan. I'm thinking of you and really sad.

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  6. So sorry you are going through this, hope its over soon.

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  7. How utterly devastating. I am so so SO sorry.

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