Wednesday, February 24, 2010

There's a first time for everything

I'm not pregnant. The Boy doesn't even know yet, since he was still sleeping when I left this morning.

How do I know? Because last night, as I was walking through freezing pouring rain, I took shelter in a drugstore and, while there, bought my very first ever box of HPTs. I even bought the branded version. And since I bought them, I figured, why not use them?

So when I got home last night I tested. Negative. And while that empty space where a line should be felt like it was growing so large that I would be swallowed up inside of it, I went to sleep by rationalizing that it was still early and I'd get a more accurate result this morning.

And so this morning I tested again. More accurately, I tested at 4.24am when I woke up to go to the bathroom. And it was still negative. And so those wonderful rationalizations that I built up last evening just fell away like so much dust. The empty space where I was hoping beyond hope that a second line would be? It just screams "barren" to me. Because that's how I feel right now: like a fucking empty, barren wasteland. And lucky for me, I had 2 hours of lying in bed staring at the ceiling to think about how broken and fucked up I am, and how I clearly made wrong decisions that have led me to this point of trying to have my first child when I am almost 40, and just resenting the hell out of everyone who has this come naturally.

Because my mind is totally cluttered today, even though I know for certain that this had not worked, I am still taking the estrogen and progesterone. I know it is stupid and futile, but I'm just afraid of fucking something up, and so will take my medicine until told otherwise because I can deal with this not working, but I couldn't deal with it not working because I decided to just stop everything. Rational? No. But I'm not exactly in a really rational place right now.

Where I am is sad, and increasingly desperate as I approach my 40th birthday, and angry that I have to deal with this shit, and losing hope that this is going to work for us. I know that some of these are irrational feelings -- I mean, we only put back one embryo each time, and this is our very first cycle, and we still have one on ice. But I wanted us and our luck to be better than the statistics and have it work without a whole lot more emotional suffering. But that's clearly not my lot. More suffering clearly lies ahead, and today is just going to be a long struggle not to cry.

5 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. I love HPTs because they let me deal with negatives in my own time & space (and not on a phone with a nurse) but I also hate HPTs because they force me to deal with negatives on my own. Nothing good about this. Thinking of you today.

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  2. I'm sorry. {{{HUGS}}} I understand that worry and ticking clock well. But the fact that you have totsicles means that your embies are great quality. I'll be pulling for one of them to become your baby soon.

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  3. I am so sorry... I am a new reader and was soooo pulling for you... I have not done IVF, but just turned 40 and have had 2 natural pregnancies and losses in the last 14 months... I do not know YOUR pain, but I know the pain of losing the hope that you had - and I know it can wreck you... I also know that accepting love and support from those around you can help, even a tiny bit. I am thinking of you and hoping you find peace and some way to manage, even if it just breath by breath. Hugs to you!

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  4. I'm sorry, it totally sucks and is not fair. I know that white barreness well, those damn HPT. I know no words will help. I'm sorry.

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