This is my 100th post.
I frankly can't believe I've been at it this long, and am certainly not where I thought I would be when I started this blogging project. I thought this would be simple, and that IVF would solve our not-really-that-big-of-a-deal problem in getting pregnant. But I was wrong. I'm not pregnant and I've failed 2 IVF cycles. (Note for those of you who are detail oriented, I did a single embryo transfer for my first IVF and FET, so I count that as one. Because failing 3 cycles? That would be really bad.)
But because I'm apparently too stupid to acknowledge that there is a problem, I was actually trying to arrange it so that the announcement of my positive beta test yesterday would be the 100th post. I mean, wouldn't that have been cute? 1-99 would be getting pregnant and 100-whenever would be all about being pregnant. But it appears that I was a bit overly optimistic about this working. And to be honest, I feel like a bit of a fool for even thinking that way. Actually, I just feel like a bit of an idiot thinking that this was going to work for me at all.
I think that that is why this is so so fucking hard. Because I am (was?) optimistic that IVF will work for us, because it really should based on everything out there. I'm a fool because I let myself get hopeful. And I got hopeful because there is nothing that they can tell us that is wrong with either of us, because I appear to be responding quite well to all of the drugs, and that they think (thought?) that I was in pretty decent shape considering my advanced maternal age. But it appears that, alas, either my embryos all suck and so are not sticking or that something is going on to prevent them from implanting.
So something is clearly not working, and I'm bound and determined to figure out what the hell it is. And so I am distracting myself with activity and my action plan and next steps.
But really my heart is breaking into thousands of little pieces and I am not sure I will ever recover from this disappointment.