This is my 100th post.
I frankly can't believe I've been at it this long, and am certainly not where I thought I would be when I started this blogging project. I thought this would be simple, and that IVF would solve our not-really-that-big-of-a-deal problem in getting pregnant. But I was wrong. I'm not pregnant and I've failed 2 IVF cycles. (Note for those of you who are detail oriented, I did a single embryo transfer for my first IVF and FET, so I count that as one. Because failing 3 cycles? That would be really bad.)
But because I'm apparently too stupid to acknowledge that there is a problem, I was actually trying to arrange it so that the announcement of my positive beta test yesterday would be the 100th post. I mean, wouldn't that have been cute? 1-99 would be getting pregnant and 100-whenever would be all about being pregnant. But it appears that I was a bit overly optimistic about this working. And to be honest, I feel like a bit of a fool for even thinking that way. Actually, I just feel like a bit of an idiot thinking that this was going to work for me at all.
I think that that is why this is so so fucking hard. Because I am (was?) optimistic that IVF will work for us, because it really should based on everything out there. I'm a fool because I let myself get hopeful. And I got hopeful because there is nothing that they can tell us that is wrong with either of us, because I appear to be responding quite well to all of the drugs, and that they think (thought?) that I was in pretty decent shape considering my advanced maternal age. But it appears that, alas, either my embryos all suck and so are not sticking or that something is going on to prevent them from implanting.
So something is clearly not working, and I'm bound and determined to figure out what the hell it is. And so I am distracting myself with activity and my action plan and next steps.
But really my heart is breaking into thousands of little pieces and I am not sure I will ever recover from this disappointment.
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I'm sorry honey. I'm sorry your heart is breaking and you aren't where you thought you would be. It's so hard not knowing what the future holds especially when we predicted the future so long ago and it held everything we want so badly but is just out of our reach. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I know there are no words.
ReplyDeleteI am just so sorry. I think the thousand little breaks in our naivete that happen throughout this process are just so painful. Every so often I think "well, obviously I'm just being melodramatic and now THIS will work!" And then, it doesn't. And I have to somehow get over yet another assumption. I hope you're doing OK.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely hate feeling foolish about this stuff. I totally do that too, imagine how I'll tell dh, or what the blog post will be, or count forward to plan on whether or not I will still fit into some dress for some event in a few months time... I kick myself for letting my brain go there, for foolishly BELIEVING that this could happen. It's such a horrible feeling, horrible because when you let your mind wonder over into hope and planning your heart breaks even more when that negative result rears its ugly head. And it's horrible because then you feel guilty for jinxing yourself, or being "foolish". I can't imagine how hard it is for women who finally win the IF game and get pregnant. Are they ever able to let their hair down and just let themselves enjoy the feeling of hope or is there always that sense of dread, that it will go wrong and you'll be bathed again in the feeling of foolishness for believing?
ReplyDeleteI had a shock of recognition reading your post. I would totally plan for the 100th post like you did. There have been so many things I planned - how to tell my DH about a positive, how to tell others - and they've all fallen by the wayside. I don't think you should feel foolish. You're not a fool. This should be so much easier than it is (damn it). I'm so very sorry that it's not. And I can understand completely if today you're feeling a bit battered by it all. That beta has got to be raw.
ReplyDeleteBut I think you are looking at it exactly the right way. Your heart might be breaking but you are intent on figuring out what is going on, the whys and wherefores. And that's going to pay off. It has to.
I'm so sorry. It must be hard if everything looks ok and it still fails and fails again, hopes rising and crushing.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry you are going through. I think a little part of us is hopeful during every IVF cycle, why else would we even bother. This only makes the BFN's even harder. I continue to hold you in my thoughts. Please take care of yourself and continue with your blog. I am looking forward to post 101.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. I just had a failed IVF #1. You are not alone. Hope is what keeps us going. Be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry honey. This never gets easier in fact I feel that the longer the road one travels the harder it gets to pick oneself up and dust oneself off and carry on traveling. That being said, you do pick yourself up and you do carry on traveling. Not now, cos now you need your heart to heal but later on, one day in the future you'll be ok to carry on.
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