Monday, November 7, 2011

What does it mean to want?

I'm dipping my toe very gingerly back into the "let's try to get pregnant and have a baby" waters. But I'm taking it slow because, well, I lucked out and I have a baby. And that baby is awesome, and the last thing I want is to be distracted or rotten-with-desire (InBetween came up with that term and I think it's exactly right) instead of paying attention to him.

For those of you long time readers, you might recall that I was going to switch REs after our last FET, seeing that my first 2 cycles didn't work. So I spoke to New RE last month and he suggested that, before we make any plans, I get AMH levels tested to see if I am even still in the game.

So last week I went in to New REs office to get bloodwork done.

It was weird.

It was weird because I kept looking at my watch knowing that I couldn't be late to get home to B since our nanny had to leave at a time certain. It was weird because I could look people in the eye and smile. It was weird because I didn't have that sense of panic and dread weighing heavily in my gut.

Turns out my AMH is fine. It's 1.1. I can't seem to dig out the info about what it was last time it was taken back in 2009, but my lack of comparative data isn't freaking me out. I'm curious, but not obsessed. And mostly, I can't seem to dig it out b/c the file is in B's closet and I forget to look when I get home. Because when I get home I need to hear how his day was, what he did, and see all of his new tricks. (Clapping was the most recent, and it makes both B and I laugh and laugh.) And the clapping and laughing are way more important than my hormone levels from 2009. (OK 4 days later, I did look it up and it was 1.28 in May, 2009. The rate of decline so far is not bad.)

So now I am wondering -- if I don't feel that burning desire, is that trying to tell me something? Or is wanting another child in a less intense way actually normal and natural, and the intense longing only caused by the pain of infertility? Partially I think that I am trying to convince myself that maybe I don't want this because of the disagreement with DH about approach (he is in the "no more IVF" camp, I am not). But the thing is, I think it is ok to want something but not be consumed by desire for it. And even without that crazy all-consuming want, I'm ok with the IVF, because, well, that's kind of what we need to do to have a child. Maybe I've blocked out how horrid it was, and maybe I believe that this time couldn't possibly be as bad because of B.

I feel like, because I don't know how to change my husband's position, that I am trying to convince myself that I don't want something that I do, and I am using as an excuse how I was feeling 24 months ago. But actually, if I am honest, I know that it's a good thing that the wanting isn't as painful and terrifying. And it's a good thing that I can walk into a physicians office and not feel gut-wrenching panic. And that it is ok to want something that might be hard even though you may be alone in the wanting. And once again, I know that not being able to get pregnant without intervention makes everything so. much. harder.


  1. I think that feelings about the second child are complicated for everyone. Fertiles can just stop preventing pregnancy and "wait and see" without examining any of these feelings too closely. People can go off birth control before they even know WHAT they want, and often the whole thing is resolved for them (in the form of a new pregnancy) before they can even think too hard about it. Being infertile makes even this second-child-ambivalence more complicated!

    I hope you can talk your husband around to your point of view.

  2. My husband was fine with just having our first daughter while I desperately wanted another child. I adore my first born but felt like our family was not complete without our second. It made it very hard at times because the more I talked about/worked for #2 the more my dh got sick of it. Good luck.

  3. It is so great to hear that you feel so calm about it. Maybe it is real, and it is a good way to start back into the want-to-get-pregnant thing. I think you sound in a really good place with it. Why not try naturally for a few months, maybe your dh will be right and that will work. And if not, maybe he'll have gotten more into the idea and be willing to get back into the ivf world. I admire how strong you are about this! I am so petrified of revisiting that scary IF world, also because I now totally see the attraction of wanting another. M is growing up so fast I kind of want to see it happen again!

  4. I'm wondering if, you remain calm and relaxed about this topic, and if you don't gt pregnwnt in a few months or whatever the time frame is, if your dh will come around and decide he is on board? And you can maybe make him think it was his decision, bc as you said, you are totally laid back about it? *wink*. Crossing fingers thwt he comes around bc I want you to have what you want, and bc B would make a really cute old brother :o)

  5. I'm glad there's no emotional storm yet. And I'm not sure what to hope---that it never gets too intense, that your husband realizes a natural pregnancy isn't gonna happen...well, I guess I should be hoping that you get knocked up! So that's solved. My feelings on the subject of another child are complex, too...