I feel like trying to have a baby is one huge cosmic effort to teach me patience. It's like some children's fable where the girl who always wants things now Now NOW has to wait in some uncomfortable way to teach her a lesson that what she really wants is better if she patiently waits for it. (Alternatively, if this is an Andersen fairy tale, she gets cooked up and eaten by a witch because she was impatient.)
So yeah, I'm learning to wait, and yeah, I haven't died yet from the waiting, although I swear there have been a couple of times when I thought my head might literally explode. And I repeat things to myself like "it's only another week" or "what difference does a month make" or "in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks isn't that much time." But really, I am seething under the surface, mentally trying to will this process forward.
Because it's all well and good for me to be a model of patience and forbearance, but it sucks mightily to watch every single other woman on the entire planet just go out and get knocked up exactly when she wants to and then enjoy life with the children she had no trouble creating. Why am I the only one who has to be patient, for fuck's sake? (Sorry, I'm working myself up.) I know I know I'm not the only one, but that is just how it seems to me, and it just feels shitty. And unfair. Really fucking unfair.
What am I waiting for this time? Since I stopped the bcps Thursday, I am now directing all of my energies towards willing my period to arrive. All indications are that it should be here some time real soon, and once it does come, I'm on the express train towards another ER. So please please please body -- hurry along already! I'm seriously going mad waiting for this cycle to get started.