Monday, April 19, 2010

My subconscious is out to get me

I'm clearly very very stressed out about this upcoming beta on Wednesday. Here's why:
a) many of my "symptoms" (e.g., sore boobs, uterine cramping, thirst) have disappeared and so I no longer believe I am pregnant. And frankly, I wasn't even convinced before, but I was willing to pretend. Now I just want to get the damn test over with.
b) I turn 40 in less than a month and I am going to lie in bed for days and cry if I am not pregnant. It is no shit stressing me out.
c) I have been an emotional basket case all weekend, and frankly kind of bitchy.
d) I did another AMH test recently (spurred on by the monitoring appointment from hell) and, whereas my test from a year ago was 1.3, I'm now down to 0.7. So I'm really running out of time and eggs.

So my subconscious is apparently also stressed out, as I had dreams this morning about a variety of ways that I might meet my demise in the next several days. I have to say, I was remarkably creative in the ways I envisioned expiring, but it was stressful all the same. The only one that has a real likelihood of occurring is being run over by a subway (and even that is not all that likely, based on the stats of how many people ride the subway every day and how rarely that happens by accident). But I woke up 2 hours before my alarm covered in sweat and then couldn't fall back asleep, because these dreams were so vivid that I could dwell on them even when awake. So it sucked. And I am tired. And I hate that I spend huge chunks of my life trying to do something that should be easy and that billions of people manage to do every year.

So to summarize, I was terrorized in my sleep by my brain that is predicting doom and disaster, I am turning 40 very soon, I am running low on eggs, and even my hypothetical symptoms of pregnancy have disappeared. Oh yeah, and it's Monday. Woo hoo!


  1. The torture of the wait...I am hoping big time for you!!!

  2. IF, this wait, all of it is wicked, wicked, wicked. I want to tell you NOT TO STRESS, but that's an impossible task. Completely, utterly pointless to even try. I'm so sorry that this has you overwhelmed, but it'd be surprising if it were any other way, you know? I hate this for you. For both of us. What I want for you is peace, no matter what. Please know that you've got a big IF sisterhood out here hoping big hopes for you...

    Big hugs...

  3. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I so get this.


    1) Breathe.
    2) Symptoms mean shit. I have followed so many women who have felt the same as you a few days before their BFP - absolutely nothing - and have panicked only to be pregnant. Hang in there.
    3) Damn the numbers. I'm so sorry about your AMH, but I want to remind you that you had a bunch of eggs this go round! Nine fertilized and 2 good/excellent ones transferred! My AMH is higher but it doesn't matter because I haven't been able to make it to IVF numbers've still got eggs, you respond well to the meds - you've got lots on your side, my dear.
    4) It sounds like your subconscious is trying to work this all out, all the fears and anxiety...although nightmares are no fun, hopefully you will feel better in the daytime because your mind has somehow been processing things.
    5) Yeah, it sucks that it's Monday. The good news is it will be over in another 13 hours!

    As Winston Churchill wisely said, "When you're in hell, keep going!"

    Cheering for you in my little corner of my own hell!


  4. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
    I hate the stress IF puts on us all, makes aging with grace damned near impossible!

  5. Waiting for beta sucks, I know. Thinking of you.

  6. 48 hours. you can make it. the waiting is horrendous, but you are in the home stretch.

    And dreams don't help either - but maybe they are so vivid from all the hormones. it's my new motto - when in doubt, blame the hormones.

    hang in there!!!

  7. I am SO with you. Hints of symptoms all gone for me too, and I am already in misery mode as a preemptive strike. I really hope your story is different than mine, but god I'm so with you if not.

  8. I hate waiting. And I am convinced that symptoms mean nothing. I'm hoping for the best for you.

  9. Sorry for swearing so much in my comment. I honestly think these hormones are making me a maniac. Really and truly.

  10. The waiting just sucks. It just really sucks!!! Keeping everything crossed for you.

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  12. aah, I had tons of symptoms that turned out to just be the hormones I was taking.. and I've seen lots of women who had no symptoms at all who were pregnant.. Our brains just plain go crazy with stress at this point, trying to figure it all out. No avoiding it (that I've found..) But being aware of our "monkey minds" and their inevitable shenanigans and that everyone else also feels this way, can be a little comforting.

  13. I headed over here to ply you with NYC dog questions and was instantaneously gripped by what you're going through (and so, really, the dog questions are going to have to wait).

    Speaking of waiting: it is so terribly hard, and I hope that Wednesday gets here already so that you can hear that beta. I hope it is a beautiful, high number. And I agree with what others have said - you can't base on symptoms. Definitely not dreams (though I'm someone who tends to interpret every last detail). It's so early. Only the blood knows. I am thinking good thoughts and hope that your beta brings you a very happy early birthday present.