Monday, July 26, 2010

oh for pete's sake

So today I am feeling very insecure about this pregnancy. I have heavy duty cramps (still not quite like my period, but more insistently crampy than previous twinges) and the spillage from my progesterone suppositories was very very slightly tinged beigey-pink last evening. (And yeah, I had to get really really close to the pantiliner to see that it was not pure white. It was as awesome as it sounds.)

But my nausea, which had been on a wee bit of a hiatus is back in full force today, causing several dry heaving attacks, and my boobs are still sore.

But I am insecure about it and again in need of reassurance (please?) and again counting the moments until my appointment (Thursday morning).

My insecurities hit a high point today when, since I was out of snacks and was trolling for food just like everyone else here does someone said "you know, my wife also loved snackwells when she was pregnant."


I'm barely pregnant and this thing could end in heartbreak at any moment so pardon me if I don't announce my barely pregnancy to you who are practically strangers. I mean, just because I didn't drink at a party last week, and wasn't feeling well last week I'm pregnant? wtf???

One woman, who as it turns out is an IVF veteran, saw ginger candies and crackers on my desk last week and called me out, but I am pretty sure that it wasn't her, as she has had several miscarriages and knows too well the risks of the early reveal.

I am SO not ready to be out of the closet (I'm not even at 9 weeks, and I have had no screening tests done), and frankly I think it is inappropriate to even talk about it so early. In fact, it makes me really super duper anxious even writing it down. I guess my plan is to continue denying anything. But MAN is it stressing me out. Because I don't want everyone up in my business when (if) this goes to hell.

Fuck. This is stress I did not need.


  1. Deny away. They can't KNOW that you're pregnant. You don't owe them an explanation!

    As for the doubts returning- sounds pretty normal to me. I even worry about my level of worry (as if worry is literally sustaining the pregnancy! and if I don't worry enough, well...).

    I still get crampy feelings too. They are like how I feel a day or so BEFORE my period starts-- just a general ache. They don't have the contracting quality of cramps when I'm actually bleeding. Is that how it is for you? I've had them the whole time, but less often now. And I just got confirmation that everything is fine so far, so they definitely don't mean impending miscarriage.

    I don't know anything about progesterone ooze, but I do know about inspecting underwear at close range. Funny!

    Things sound fine to me, but it is always scary in the days leading up to an appointment anyways...

  2. how about a standard response of "are you saying i look FAT???" and hopefully that'll be the end of the conversation? or how about "me? i HATE CHILDREN!!"

    no doubts!! ugh, why can't this shit be EASY?? i wish i could be more helpful about symptoms, but i've got zero experience. i'm sure the pregnant ladies can do more to put you at ease :o)

    i'm already picturing you with a boy. i'm 99% sure it's a boy in fact, and a very cute one at that, so both you and he have to be a-okay. i'll *will* thurs to get here asap so that you can get your mind back at ease. what is this particular appt for? you've already seen heartbeat, so is this the first OB appt?

    happy thoughts please. and i hope a bird shits on every single one of your coworkers who has the balls to ask you if you're pregnant. would you be sent to HR if you gave each of them the finger?

  3. One doc told me the prog would could irritate you cervix enough to have that pinkish tinge discharge. Not that this put my mind at ease, but it did help make the freakout go down one notch. This pregnancy is nobodys business. Full stop. Tell them to mind their own business.

    Hang in there!

  4. Hi there - thought I'd chime in. The Endometrin suppositories can most definitely irritate your cervix and cause spotting. Especially since you've been taking them for weeks now. And the crampy feelings, totally normal too. I felt like I was about to start my period for the first 12 weeks. And now, at 38 weeks, I've felt the same way for 4 weeks straight.
    You might find that your symptoms wax and wane throughout the first 2 trimesters. Yes, it can make you crazy, you just have to try to keep as calm as possible for the health of your bean. I know that is easier said than done.

  5. The constant examination of symptoms (or lack thereof) and pantyliner is hard to get away from. I know it's impossible not to worry, but at this point there's nothing you're going to do that's going to change anything. Crossing all of my fingers and toes that your Thursday appointment goes well! Can't wait to hear about it!

  6. When I had my miscarriage the crqmps were obviously bad news - like doubling over in pain, something is so defintely not right kind of pain. and then my breasts went back to normal quite quickly. My sister had a miscarriage without bleeding, but she had lost all of her symptoms, and you clearly ave plenty going on. The tinge of pink is just nothing. Serious red blood with clots is what you dont want to see. Breathe deeply, lay down and rest, and visualize that baby growing healthy... it all sounds good. I'm still coveting your dry heaves. :)

  7. Just wanted to echo what others have said here. Cramps? Totally normal. Stiiiilll having 'em at 18 weeks here. Yup. In fact (and I think I might have shared this with you before), cramping has become so de rigueur that I start to feel worried when I *don't* have any. Tinged panty liner? Progesterone does some pretty harsh things up in there, girl. I freaked out when I had some spotting around 10 weeks, and when I spoke with my RE's nurse, she explained that this was normal--that progesterone makes your cervix very "vascular" and prone to spotting. It wasn't a relief to hear that from her then because I didn't believe her and I was convinced that spotting was the beginning of the end...but two months later, in hindsight, I guess she was right. Even now I still check for blood when I go the bathroom, though. It's hard to shake! Just like Mic from ifcrossroads said, your symptoms will totally peak and wane, and that, too, is blessedly normal. :)

    Hopefully all the good words here will bouy you through this uncertainty. Hang in there, and know that that a lot of people out in blogland are rooting this pregnancy on!

    (p.s. I didn't tell anyone at work until I was 14 weeks, and that's because people were starting to stare at my newly pudgy midsection and ask sneaky questions like, "So, when are you and N going to have kids?" I say hold off until you're ready to reveal, and don't feel any pressure from anyone otherwise!"

  8. Deny, deny, deny. and throw in a bit of "wow, that is awfully personal, and presumptuous. are you saying i'm fat?" it will shut up most of them.

    And symptoms do come and go, that is just the way it is. and i had tons of odd twinges/pain - heck i still do! and every time i mention it to my OB she just says its normal, and reminds me that something that was smaller than a pear must stretch to the size of a watermelon. and other stuff needs to move out of the way to make room. it is something you are likely to feel, ya know?

    Hang in there, these first weeks are so hard.

  9. I am thinking SUCH GOOD THOUGHTS for this morning's ultrasound. You know, I think you should cut yourself slack to consider worst case scenarios until a certain date (i.e, until the NT scan or the 13th week). In some ways, it would be very hard not to think the bad stuff. And even a little bit of pink-tinged anything is scary...though I've heard of this happening in entirely healthy pregnancies a lot. And, my thinking is that you and bean are still a-okay. I'd be very, very surprised to hear that this is not the case. Shocked, even.

    And, as far as the outing...I think people get ahead of themselves. Everyone loves good news but it makes it very hard on you when you're still not at a point where things feel secure (and, I agree, 9 weeks is a tad early for this). So I agree with the others: deny.