Friday, July 16, 2010


I'm terrified.

No good reason -- nothing has changed to lead me to believe that I should feel the shadow of impending doom, but I'm scared. I'm worried that because I told one person that I was pregnant I have doomed everything.

I'm scared that this next u/s will show that the heart has stopped beating. Or if not this one, the one after that. Or that the other myriad tests they run will show something horribly wrong.

And that this will all come crashing down. This little, tiny sand castle of hope that I have built will just get washed away.

I knew how to prepare myself for the heartbreak and sadness of failing IVF. I knew how to hurt and rant and rail and then dust myself off and move ahead. But this? Failure now? I've never been here before and I don't know how to prepare for pain and sadness. So I am terrified.


  1. I think the thing to do is to regard the fear as a normal stage in all of this. You'd feel it regardless of whether the pregnancy is healthy or not (and the pregnancy has been absolutely healthy until this point so the chances of that changing are really, REALLY low). In other words, do NOT fall into the trap of believing it's an omen or a harbinger or something. It's a natural reaction to a whole lot of stress, and an ardent desire not to get smacked down.

    One problem is that you know too much. You can't retreat into the blissful ignorance that so many others experience at this stage in the game (lucky bastards). I'm thinking of you and sending you my good thoughts. (And I'm feeling hopeful for you...which should tell you something because I'm a really terrible cynic!).

  2. Yeah, that second scan is such a biggie. It looks so FRAGILE at 5w6d! It is hard to imagine it will be in there thriving and bigger, but it will!!!

    When do you get your next scan (i.e., what fetal age)?

    You know how utterly freaked I was before my 9w6d scan!!! But at that stage (after 9 weeks or so I guess), the embryo/fetus looks pretty robust, like maybe it just WON'T drop dead after all... so I am hoping you get this reassurance soon!!

    Your baby is totally FINE!!! You will be so happy to see it moving around and looking baby-like, I promise.

    But the fear is totally real, too. I was up all night crying, I was so scared... To lose it now, yeah, I just don't know what I would do. Go insane, I think. It is so so scary.

  3. Adele is wise. If I ever reach the point you're at, I know I'll be terrified, and bet there's no cure for the anxiety except an ultrasound, and I suppose that's a temporary fix. And even if you get a fat, happy baby, then you get to worry about something happening to him or her, until you die. SWEET! I don't know if the statistics are comforting at all, but if so, cling to them. And we are all here thinking of you and your little one, and hoping the fear abates.

  4. When do you have your next ultrasound?

    I'm so sorry you feel so scared. I understand it completely and fight this same feeling every day. I'm still making work promises and plans for next spring, I'm that un-confident of this pregnancy.

    But the statistics are on your side. Try to breathe deeply. Try to block the fear. Know you are not alone... we are all here for you.

  5. just like adele said, you know too much. that's where the fear comes in. i know you haven't had a loss, but you've read about everyone else's, and that's enough to freak out anyone!! i won't even try to tell you to enjoy this, bc i'd be scared as well, but remind yourself during particularly bad moments of worry, that there is no reason why you can't carry this baby to term. or why you should be worried. other ppl losing babies has no bearing on you, and getting pregnant should be the only hard part for you.

    i hate that ppl like us can't enjoy a freakin pregnancy, but other clueless idiots can decorate and furnish their entire nursery at 4 months (a friend just did this and i confess to thinking bad thoughts).

    for your sake, i hope the first trimester SPEEDS by, bc once we get you to the 2nd trimester, it'll be time to breathe at least a wee bit sigh of relief, right?? and then every week that passes after that, the fear will get less and less. xoxoxoxo!!

  6. I had the exact same issue in the first trimester. I think its normal after the long struggles. I even had to take massive pain killers in my first trimester and spent the entire time convinced I'd ruined everything.

    You are coping, you are managing through stressful times and you are doing a great job. There will be emotional ups and downs all the way through. Your'e not alone. We're all here for you.

  7. So sorry you're so afraid right now. I think it's very normal after dealing with infertility to be so worried, but I know it sucks even still :(.
    Thinking of you and hoping for time to pass quickly until your next u/s.

  8. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you... I wholeheartedly agree with Adele that this lingering (and sometimes suffocating) sense of fear is just part of this miserable gift-that-keeps-on-giving, a stage of pregnancy-after-IF, if you will. I still struggle with this every day. I don't know when or if it will eventually or EVER dissipate... I think the most intimate cruelty of IF is that it robs us of our ability to ever sit comfortably in our pregnancies. We simply know too much. I know that I relate so deeply to many of our fellow bloggers and acutely feel their losses and pains on such a profound level that it makes separating these scary events from my own pregnancy impossible. No real words of wisdom here, just wanted to let you know that this is completely and utterly normal and that you're not alone in it.

    Hang in there, friend...

  9. I think feeling terrified is totally normal. I think it would be weird if you didn't feel at least a little terrified. I understand your fear that although you are SO CLOSE, it could still all be taken away from you and you could be left with nothing. Yes, this could happen, but it is more likely at this point that it won't. I can also understand how ultrasounds could be overwhelmingly scary. They could bring bad news, but it is also more likely at this point that they won't. But I'm sure that being aware that the odds are now in your favor does little to help with your fear, and I'm sure that your fear will never completely go away, but I know it will get better. You just have to take it one day at a time. Hang in there!

  10. I agree that this is totally normal. I know that something I felt when pregnant was this fear out of loss, not so much for the loss itself, but more b/c I knew how long it took me to get ther in first place. I knew I would not be somebody who would easily get pregnant two months after a loss, that was terrifying.
    For now, try to take it one day at a time. while it is normal to be this nervous, try to remember that there are no signs of anything being wrong at this point.
    Hang in there.

  11. Superstition is very common in pregnancy, I have come to believe. But there are no connections, just biology and whatever will be, will be. And the chances are, everything will be fine. It's normal to feel anxious, just remember that and know it for what it is, not as something that necessarily has a big bad ogre at the end of it. The chances are it will have your rainbow at the end of it, I am sure.