My new acupuncturist told me to do deep breathing exercises every day for 5-10 minutes. And so I tried it last night, just focusing on breathing. I do this with yoga, but I'm also moving around (I'm a vinyasa/ ashtanga yoga person), but just sitting, focusing on nothing but deep breathing is hard. She suggests that it will help improve my somewhat sluggish circulation and get my energy flowing again, so I'm willing to try it. Plus, relaxing can't ever be bad, right?
I think that I will be a bit more able to breathe deeply today because my monitoring appointment was just so. much. better. Not only did I get the really nice RE who always gives me a pep talk, has rational explanations for things, and is willing to say "I don't know" instead of making up some half-assed answer, but I now have 9 (NINE) follicles of at least 10mm (largest is 14mm) and some smaller ones showing up as well.
(Take THAT you mean nasty RE who told me my ovarian reserve was empty and that I might considering cancelling this cycle.)
My husband attributes the good appointment to the fact that I made him come with me at 7.15 this morning. Retrospectively, it was really kind of ridiculous, but I needed a security blanket and a shoulder to weep on if the follicle count still was very low. So he hung out in the waiting room for me and was there to give me a hug as I got on the subway. It seems like a small thing, but it was great, and made me feel like it was all going to be ok, regardless of what happened with the ultrasound. It's weird -- I'm usually not this fragile, but I think this is harder on me than I sometimes admit. And I love my husband for not telling me I'm being silly, but for just getting up and coming with me for no other reason than to hold my hand.
And since I have a bit more perspective (read: I'm not freaking out about hearing the death knell of my fertility) than I did Monday, here's what I know:
- I know that I am lucky that all my numbers are still good and I am still responding so well to the drugs, considering I am almost 40
- I know that I am lucky that there is nothing obviously wrong that needs to be addressed
- I know that I am lucky that I have insurance that covers absolutely everything, including acupuncture
- I know that I am lucky that I live within a stone's throw of some of the best REs in the country
- And in the big picture, lest I forget, I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband who will pick me up and dust me off when I am knocked down, I am lucky to have a family that loves and supports me, I am lucky that we are all healthy, well-educated, and have a lot more resources than many others.
So today I am going to feel relieved, happy, and grateful. Grateful that my life is, on balance, really good, and grateful that doing this ivf cycle is as easy as it is. And to ensure that I hold onto the sense of balance and peace that I am feeling right this very minute, I'm going to try to breathe.