Resetting expectations

So apparently I posted about a word and a half yesterday. Oops.

I think it was probably because I was still kind of freaked out about the morning, and so I kept starting things and then getting distracted and moving on to something else. But I'm past that now and ok (mostly). Not quite the bright eyed and bushy tailed girl from Wednesday, but mostly ok.

So why freaked out? Freaked out because I had a plan in my head and had set expectations in a particular way, and then things didn't go exactly that way. And well, I freaked out.

Last IVF cycle (the 1st one in Nov/ Dec 2009) we got tentatively scheduled for a 3 day transfer and then that morning got a call waving us off to 5 days. And we were all sorts of excited about 5 days because we told ourselves that made our embryos bigger and stronger and more likely to be healthy enough to make a baby. So this time I just assumed that the same thing would happen, especially since we had a better fertilization rate.

(Notice the pattern here? I'm searching like hell for anything that will help me predict the outcome of the next step, and each time I do that I get completely screwed over. Also note that if that logic had been correct I wouldn't be doing another IVF cycle. I'd be 5 months pregnant.)

And so I had actually booked two client meetings, one of which was actually in a totally different part of the city and at the exact same time as the transfer (11.00am). Awesome, right? So at 5.30 am I popped awake to get ready for them to call us. And I waited and waited and waited, and there was no call. And the nurses aren't available until 10am, so I basically had to wait until 10 for someone to confirm that we should come in at 11, and not wait until Sunday.

During this entire time, of course, I'm panicking. I'm panicking about how I'm going to be in two places at one time. I'm panicking about why I'm not doing a 5 day transfer and what is going on with the embryos, and I'm panicking just because I sometimes just work myself up that way.

At 10am I call and get confirmation that I should be in by 10.45 for the transfer. And at 10.15 I get a call from my 11am meeting saying that he needs to reschedule to the afternoon and can actually meet in my office as opposed to his office which is 40 minutes away. So I catch a break. A big, freaking break, because someone has travelled in from Chicago to meet with me, and blowing it off looks really really bad. And so I exhale.

OK, I half exhale because I'm still panicking about why 3 days. And so we go in and here's what we learn: of our 9 embryos there are
2 that are at 2 cells so are probably not so great
2 at 4 cells, also probably not so great
1 at 6 cells that looks good/ excellent
2 at 8 cells that look average
2 at 8 cells that look good/ excellent.

Our clinic tends to push off women to 5 days if they have at least 6 average to excellent embryos still cooking, and last time we had 7 at this point.

So I breathe a little more deeply because it's not like they all died off (of course, my fear), but because 5<6.

And so we transferred 2. The good/ excellent ones. And they are letting the rest cook until Monday (their lab freezes on Day 6) and will call Tuesday and let me know if any of the other ones made it to blast, and if they were good enough to freeze.

By the end of this process I was both exhausted and relieved. I totally caught a break on my meeting rescheduling (seriously, that was crazy good luck and I can't believe I skated on that one) and I managed to completely quiet my brain down for the rest of the day. I conveniently had my "pre-transfer" acupuncture session scheduled for last evening, so it became my post transfer session, which was good and very calming. And then I retired to the sofa, watched a movie, read a magazine and ate a cupcake for dessert.

So that's that. And I'm cooking two embryos right now, and hanging around not doing much today so that they can settle in. And thinking positive thoughts about how plenty of people get successfully pregnant with 3 day transfers and how this is still all. going. to. work. out. And today I feel pretty hopeful about things again, and am just stacking the next two weeks with "things to keep me from going batty."

We will see how that works.

IVF #2 -- Fertilization report

Quick update, since I just got the call from the nice nurse at the RE. They did ICSI on the 13 eggs and 9 fertilized!

Nine!

Nine makes me happy!

(Note last time they retrieved 18, fertilized 17 and only 10 took so this is already a far lower attrition rate.)

Oh please please please let this all work out.

I have been trying so hard to keep a positive attitude and to not get all depressed that I have to be doing this at all, and I've been trying to remain super hopeful about the possibility of this working. It hasn't been entirely easy, and there are times that I was really close to slipping into the grip of the self-pity that I often feel around things baby-related. But I've been pretty much pollyanna this whole cycle -- so much so that a friend complimented me on what a great attitude I had (and told me that I could drop the act if it was that). But it wasn't -- I am hopeful.

But I am also scared. I'm terrified that I've actually convinced myself that this will definitively work, and that when (oh please no) it doesn't I will sink into a very very black place.

But for now hope feels good. Good like the bright sun felt on my shoulders at lunch, and good like the vanilla milkshake I had last night. And good like the pink hyacinth in my office that is all perfume-y and wonderful. So I am tempting the fates and continuing to be hopeful.

Cycle update

So today is day 10 of the medication and this morning I went in for another look around. Here's where we are:

Left: 7 follicles, largest at 17.5mm
Right: 6 follicles, largest at 16mm

Estrogen was 580 on Wednesday; he expects it to be over 1000 today. Last time my E2 was super low throughout, and was only 1100 when 17 follicles were there. So who knows. My attempts to really understand this are failing, so I am just going to go with it.

Back in on Sunday, with a trigger likely that evening. I'm trying to drink a ton of water, as I am getting to be pretty uncomfortable. But I am not complaining, as that just means this is working.

I'm feeling positive and hopeful. The weather is gorgeous, and I am going to take lots of long walks this weekend.

Please, universe, don't toy with me.