Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A whole lot of nothing

Not a whole hell of a lot to report from these parts, except that (gasp) I am still not pregnant. Period came and went, and so now I am prepping for our last shot with our frozen embryo.

The Boy and I have spent a lot of time talking about what's next and making plans, since we never thought we would get to this place and still find ourselves somewhat surprised to be on the statistical short end of the stick.

What have we recently learned?
- After putting back in 4 embryos (2 5day and 2 3day), I am still not pregnant, although I did manage to have a very low-beta chemical pregnancy.
- My hormone levels are all still good (my FSH is under 7, for chrissakes)
- My thyroid appears to be working too hard, as my TSH was 4, but all other thyroid and antibody levels normal. With daily synthroid, I'm at 2.1.
- I am heterozygous for the MTHFR mutation (no, I don't know which one), so am now also taking folgard and baby aspirin in addition to my prenatal.
- Despite everything, I continue to have clockwork cycles and ovulate regularly.
- We have blown through our insurance coverage, and will soon be paying out of pocket for everything.

So what are we going to do?
- We are going to switch doctors from the "very convenient, like our RE, like the nurses, takes our insurance, really don't like the clinic overall" to the "across town, very smart very nice RE, great lab, nicer space, more individualized attention, noticed some things in my chart that he would do differently" but can't start right away because their lab closes for a while this month.
- In the interim, we are going to do a non-medicated FET and use our last frozen 5-day blast this month. In fact, it's CD8 and I am all estrogened out (2x daily) and then will go in Friday for a lining check. Transfer date scheduled for June 15. Really looking forward to the 3x daily progesterone suppositories. I should buy stock in whomever makes pantyliners, since I'm keeping them in business. (I hate that word -- panty. It's ridiculous. Makes the whole situation seem like something out of a 1960's era sitcom.) Incidentally, I think it's pretty entertaining that they consider 2x daily estrogen, 3mg cetr.otide, and 3x daily progesterone to be unmedicated. I guess it's the lack of lu.pron that earns it that label?

How do I feel about all of this?
The FET is a throwaway -- I have no hope that it will actually result in a pregnancy or child, but I figure I might as well use the embryo since I already have it. I was kind of hoping to have 2 shots on goal, and be able to try naturally and transfer the embryo back in, but apparently they frown upon that at my current clinic, so this weekend I will be shooting up with cetrotide to prevent ovulation. I think it sort of stinks, but I'll live.

I'm anxious about switching clinics, not because I don't think they will do a good job, but because I know that I will expect it to work the first time there. And that's a lot of pressure on me and on everyone else involved in this process. And, although this is probably weird, I feel bad about leaving my RE, as she has been really quite nice and pretty responsive most of the time. I wanted our relationship to end with me heading off to the OB with a healthy pregnancy, and somehow I feel disloyal for even meeting with other REs. That said, I can't keep doing the same thing over and over, and so need to go with something different. But I feel bad, all the same.

Am I excited about any of this? Hard to say. I'm starting to believe that this never is going to work.


  1. I know how you feel with the loyalty thing. I know it's silly - we have to look out for ourselves in all of this, after all - but you develop a relationship. You see that they want to make YOU happy. And, obviously, you want that more than anything. But I also think changing things a bit is a very good thing - let someone else work a different kind of magic (though I also hear you on the expectation front).

    But I'm going to be hopeful for you and your frozen embryo this month. That she IS the RE who gets to send you off to the OB after all.

  2. Thanks for all the updates... I've been thinking about you.

    Sounds like a lot on the IF front, and there is lots of potential here. Shaking things up with a new RE might be just what you need. You could think about the first attempt with the new Dr. as a trial-run, as a way for them to get to know your body. That might take the pressure off a little.

  3. Wow, that's what my RE would consider a medicated FET! LOL! Hmmm...

    Perhaps the new RE will give you a fresh perspective. I'll carry some hope for you that this FET works.

    Take care.

    Oh, and I never say the P word either. Hate it too.

  4. I don't know if either of your doctors believe in immune issues, but have you considered being tested for high NK cells? Your history of perfect cycles, perfect embryos and BFNs makes me wonder if there's something more going on. I know it's a little controversial but if you'd like more info, let me know and I'd be happy to share more about my experience.

  5. Does it feel like synthroid is helping, or is it just making your labs look better? So many people have complained of the same symptoms as always on synthroid, but were ignored b/c their test results looked fine. 2 people I know (1 IRL, 1 blogger) have gotten pregnant in the last 2 months on Armour. NOT saying it's the magic pill (although believe me, I feel like begging my dr. for it now after seeing those bfp's all over the place), but just something to think about since everything else looks good.
    I say go for it with the new RE - your old one won't have her feelings hurt, she'll understand. It's about making babies, not making friends!
    Still hoping you have a miraculous BFP on this "unmedicated" FET cycle :).

  6. It sounds like you have a good plan, although, I hope that the medicated (non) medicated cycle pays off and you don't have to worry about the new RE office.
    It's so sad that as an infertile, you have to be prepared with a plan A, B and then C. Sucks, sucks, sucks.


  7. @Julize -- I don't think either RE is an immunity "believer" but I also tend to like to know more rather than less, so if you could email me (slphillipsnyc at gmail) that would be great!

    @Sarah -- I looked into it, but since I really am completely asymptomatic hypothyroid, and all of my T3 and T4 levels are right in the middle of the normal ranges even without the synthroid, it doesn't seem to make any difference. Thanks, though!

  8. hey there - i'm liking your plan!! don't feel disloyal! you gave dr C a few chances to get you pregnant, and now it's someone else's turn!

    re: immune testing. dr D was very open to it, but preferred that i go to a rheumatologist who specializes in pregnancy loss (despite me never having had a loss *knock on wood*). he said she'll know better what tests should be run on me, and whatever she recommends in terms of treatment, he'd be happy to incorporate into my protocol. turns out that doc is super busy until july (too late!!) so i'm going to adele's doc. also seeing an endocrinologist next week to figure out this borderline tsh of mine.

    i'm fed up with these dr's appts! dh is getting annoyed that my hypochondria is getting the better of me. but better safe than sorry!

  9. UGH. I imagine changing clinics is one of those extra crummy moments that really highlights how little we can imagine where our journey will take us. It would indeed be hard to muster any enthusiasm or hope. But as the others say, you've got a Good Plan! And let's not forget, FETs work! I know--it seems crazy! But they do! And my goodness, have you earned the right to some SUCCESS, already!

  10. Damn. What's with rough conversations? I'd like to think that at some point we'll be dreading new things instead of rehashing conversations with new doctors. I am also holding hope for you my dear, and am really sorry that you are having to think another doc. I know that is in my near future, and seriously having yet another doctor say,"wow, that's a lot" or "you really don't gave anything wrong." But, it's worth fresh eyes on all this. What would we give to be blissfully ignorant of all this crap behind the IF curtain. Hang in there.

  11. Sometimes giving up hope is a good place to find success. I'm not talking about despair (that's no good for anyone), but just a general giving in. Suddenly you find you got what you wanted, once you gave up on it! I've had that experience many times, anyways.

    Also, I love the word 'panties'. They sound so cute compared to clunky 'underwear'. Or??? 'Undergarment' sounds like a department store commercial. I can't think of any other words for it, unless you refer to your 'thong', which is a bit tawdry, and anyways, I don't wear one (thankfully, I was born before 1985, as these days they seem to be de rigeur among younger people, and who wants a permanent wedgie???)

  12. I had the same feeling of "disloyalty" when we decided to switch REs. But, you gotta do what you gotta do.

    And, FETs DO work, so don't give up just yet!