Wednesday, May 26, 2010

American Idiot

No, not the Green Day Broadway play. Me. I'm the idiot.

I'm the idiot because I actually, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, thought that I could get miraculously pregnant on our "break month" before we try with IVF again.

When CD28, 29, and 30 rolled around, I actually let hope in. And the bitch fucking took off her shoes, put her feet up and made herself at home. Once again, I googled things like "timing of implantation bleeding" (there was a tiny bit of light pink spotting) and "spotting at time of period." You'd think I had never done this before. What you really would think is that I should just bookmark this stuff on my web browser.

And so, since I am usually a 28-day girl, I went out and I did the unthinkable. I bought pregnancy tests. Expensive ones. Ones without lines but with words that tell you the news. And to no one's surprise but mine, the test said "not pregnant."

The Boy had a pretty good observation (and I promised to give him credit). What the sticks should say is "Yes" or, in our case, "F**k you." I'm not sure how you market those, but I think it's really quite a bit more honest and more appealing for certain segment of the buying public.

And in more great news, immediately after my "f**k you " result, I discovered that we had no hot water and had to suffer through that. Which sucked almost as much. I love camping, but doing the cold shower at home? Not nice at all.

Then I had to spend a day at site visits with my pregnant co-worker and listen to how she was feeling and hear all of the cooing, and discussions of pregnancies, and listen to her whine about how hungry she was.

So overall, a banner day. Oh yeah, and by 3pm my period had officially arrived.
Like I said, I'm an idiot.


  1. I'm an idiot too, and have let that irrational hope of miraculous pregnancy sneak in too many times. Sending really big hugs!

  2. Objectively I can say with all certainty that you are NOT an idiot. I can also admit that every time I have done essentially the exact same thing I feel like a really big idiot. So, I get you, but I so wish you wouldn't feel that way!!! This all just really sucks. It must be like one person who got pregnant in an off- treatment cycle and that one story keeps getting recycled and fucking all the rest of us up...

  3. My favorite is when you convince yourself that you must be pregnant only to whip out the expensive pee stick and pee and wipe to see that you have started your period. Nice, right?

    I would like to see the Green Day play, tho. Thanks for stopping in today. Obviously it was quite a shitty one, but it's been so much better with all of the support you all have lent me.

  4. Ugh. I'm so sorry. Hope can be a wicked thing... but I prefer being on that side of things. I've got my fingers crossed that the IVF will be the one...

  5. :( I am so sorry for your BFN. I love your husband's idea for HPT, yould should market that specifically for IF patients. Crossing my fingers and toes for the upcoming IVF cycle.

  6. Ugh. It definitely sucks. I was almost relieved to find that I didn't have any peesticks left in the drawer this month. P'ingOAS never ends well for me...and I always feel like crap afterward :(.
    I like the F-you hpt's - I think your husband's on to something :).

  7. Aww, I love the FUCK YOU (oops..should I not say FUCK in your comments? FUCK!) tests! I had a similar idea once, but it was a bit more gentle:

    And of course you're not an idiot. There are so many anecdotes out there, there's a crazy success story for every situation, pretty much. Except maybe hysterectomy... I guess the problem is that irrational hope is necessary in order to get us through this experience, but it's super painful, too.

    I'm sorry you didn't get your miracle. IT SUCKS. As does your whiney pregnant coworker.

  8. I've held off buying peesticks then finally bought them, and in MIDSTREAM greeted cycle day 1. It sounds like a terrible day. And why is it that on days that are already terrible, a gurgling pregnant woman who talks about the fact that she's craving things invariably crosses your path?

    I like your idea for the digitals. And maybe they could be outfitted with a recording of cackling laughter the point home?

  9. that bites. i'm sorry for your dissappointment. infertility sucks!

    i love the idea of the new pee sticks. i think i would laugh if i peed on one and it said "fuck you". it might brighten an otherwise shitty moment... just a little bit.

    thinking of you and crossing my fingers for a positive result soon.

  10. if you're an idiot, then i'm a complete and utter moron bc i don't even ovulate YET, i keep buying hpt's, hoping for that miracle.

    those cold showers are no good. i take them all the time in the morning and then have to jump back into bed and demand that dh cuddle me back to warmth before i can get up.

    dr D is supposedly a miracle man. let's see what kind of magic he works on us in july.

  11. Aw, honey...I'm sorry you got a BFN and that you had to suffer through such a rotten day. I totally know that hope - this past month was the one holiday from that hope I've had in 9 years because I was on the pill for a change! And cold water is terrible, but when you're getting AF it's ten times worse. Pregnant colleague too? Stop the torture! Please do something nice for yourself to compensate for all this awful-ness!

  12. Hope is such a witch. Gah! I'm sorry she found her way in your heart, and then just bombed the place. Not nice at all. But you are not an idiot for letting her in - it is the hope that propels us forward.

    And cold water on top of it - insult to injury.


  13. Welcome to the Idiots club! I could have written this post a couple of days ago. I too POAS, which I tell everyone NOT to do. Bcs I'm an idiot, too!

  14. I think that's one of the things I hate most about this journey. It sucks the hope right out of you and twists it around until it suddenly feels like a bad thing to be hopeful rather than a good thing. Ugh.

    All I can say is I've been there and I know exactly where you're coming from. It sucks.

  15. We miss you!!! how is everything? what's going on? I hope you are in a good place.

  16. :(

    I'm really sorry this wasn't it. I suggest a batch of internet cheapies from ebay or amazon. Then you can test to your heart's desire.

    And you just get a blinding white glare for your 'F--- You'