If my first IVF cycle had worked, I'd be 28 weeks pregnant by now.
If my FET had worked, I'd be 18 weeks pregnant.
If my second IVF cycle had worked, I'd be 10 weeks pregnant.
Instead, I'm waiting for FET #2 next week so that I can find out 2 weeks later that I am not pregnant again.
I know that I'm torturing myself by looking up due dates and such, but I am just losing hope that this will ever ever work.
Fuck, do I hate this.
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I'm sorry you're so frustrated. IVF is a horrible thing to endure. We went through 3 cycles to conceive our daughter, who died 12 days before her due date. Then we resumed IVF shortly thereafter and on our 8th attempt, decided to go with donor egg because I just had no good eggs left. It is a long, heartbreaking process and I'm sorry you have to endure it. But stick to it - if you do it enough, it's bound to work.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I've been thinking the same sort of thoughts lately. Being sad about the past and not hopeful for the future. It's a hard place.
ReplyDeleteI so hear you. Sometimes I succumb to the temptation to look up due dates and I always get mad at myself when I do. It just starts a depression spiral that really sucks. But the temptation is really, really hard to resist.
ReplyDeleteI regularly think about how old my baby would be if I hadn't miscarried. In fact, we'd be having a first birthday right around now. June is such a good birthday... agh, stop, got to change mental gears!!!!
Sounds like we'll TWW together. I will hopefully have my retrieval sometime early next week. Do you have special plans for getting through it?
I'm so sorry. It's impossible not to tally up those dates (though it's also sucktastically dangerous to do so). IVF is such a rollercoaster, and while I've never done an FET, I'm guessing that this is but another hellish twist on the same horrible ride. But you are around the corner from FET #2, and as tired as you feel, this IS another chance for things to happen. I hope so. I'm crossing everything that this they DO.
ReplyDeleteThat bit where time turns against us is unfair. It's really *really* hard not to tally up those dates, and even though I'm the worlds biggest hypocrite for saying this, each roll of the dice can produce a winner, even if we've produced a nice losing streak up until now. I know that it's really hard to buy into that idea, but it does happen.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, really...there are no words for this. It's shitty and completely unfair. I'm sorry.
you can try what my mom claims is a sure-fire way to get pregnant. start adoption proceedings. bc, then, your body will get mad at you for wanting a baby so badly that you'd go elsewhere for it, and produce a baby on it's own. i swear my mom said this. and so, if i do this, i'll get 2 babies out of it.
ReplyDeletesoooo simple, yes?
I have done that soooo many times. I know I shouldnt', but it is so hard to stop myself. There is a child I know conceived the first month we started TTC, she is now 2.5!!!! I cannot beleive how much time has gone by. Please know you are not alone. This sucks!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to imagine that things will go any differently than they have every other time, but I am really hopeful that this FET will work. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteThe silver lining here is that you do seem to have pretty short spacing between these pregnancies. Not that that makes their loss any easier (if anything, it makes the pain worse!), but it means you probably have lots of chances in front of you, too. One will stick soon-- as unlikely as that sounds. But I know how you feel about thinking it won't ever happen. I feel that way, too. I just don't feel that way about YOU, only about myself. For you, I am full of confidence.
ReplyDeleteThis sucks so much. I'm sorry you are feeling so low.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Hating this a fuckload sure is reasonable. I hate it for you too. And hopelessness makes perfect sense, given your experience. Buuuut....there's a pretty hefty chance it will work. I hope the less desperately despairing part of the process (if there is one for you...) will start soon.
ReplyDeleteStumbled onto your blog... thought Iwas reading my own blog. I too wonder where all the time has gone. It feels like time has stood still - or at best moved at the pace of molasses while everyone else seems to be racing to the finish line. I am sorry you feel this way and yes... IF SUCKS!!!
ReplyDeleteHi! You've been so quiet on your blog...
ReplyDeleteI have a question for you -- when did you find out that 13 eggs were available/collected? Did you know it would be 13 before the retrieval? Or did they find more than they thought were there?