Thursday, February 25, 2010


I got my beta number today. The negative cutoff line for my RE is 5. Mine is 5.4 at 8dp5dt.

The RE's view is that we are testing a day earlier than she normally would since I am going out of town tomorrow and that it could continue to go up, in which case we just have a late implanter or something, and so I am keeping on with the estrogen and progesterone.

So I guess there is still hope, which I find sort of confusing, because I had just gotten used to this having failed. Seriously -- what's going ON in there?

Now, part of my brain thinks I should be all kinds of excited because this means there is still a chance that it will work. That part is small but persistent, and won't let me just ignore it.

The bigger part of my brain thinks:
- this is clearly not a viable pregnancy
- why am I being tortured with false hope - isn't a negative bad enough?
- this is just delaying forward progress
- this is totally fucking up my weekend away.

Now, the last one seems like it might be a small deal, but it's actually a big deal and here's why:
this weekend 10 of my friends from college are convening from the far corners of the country and are going away to a "destination spa" to celebrate our collective 40th birthdays. And I love spa stuff. But now not only do I have to forgo fun things like drinking, hot tubs, saunas, but I am going to have to deal with everyone murmuring about it "why isn't she drinking? is she pregnant? What's going on with the two of them anyway -- don't they want kids?"

Please bear in mind I'd definitely live with all of this to be pregnant and have a real shot to have a real, live baby at the end of this, but this part of my brain just thinks I am being toyed with.

I was already kind of terrified of this trip: 1 woman is 7 months pregnant, 8 women have already kids (4mo-7yo), 1 isn't married, and 1 has just failed her 10th ivf cycle. So I'm kind of worried that this is just going to be a "let's compare stories of motherhood" weekend. But I was prepared to deal with it by hiding in the gym/ sauna/etc with the other two childless women. But now? Now my plan is foiled and I have this added complication of fuelling rumors among my friends.

Am I stupid to have this little glimmer of hope? Because I fear that I am just going to get hurt more.

AAAARGH. Why can't I just get pregnant like everyone else???


  1. That is so not fun. I am so sorry that you are in limbo because that is almost worse than a clear negative. I hope this weekend goes smoothly for you.

  2. You've gotten to be kidding - 5.4? ARGH! I'm so sorry you have to go through beta hell - and a weekend away while in beta and mommyhood hell - it just seems wrong and unfair. But I do hope for the late implanter, and a viable pregnancy. Ya never know...fingers crossed. When will you test again?

  3. Ugh. I so wanted a strong, obvious number for you. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is just a late implanter and everything gets better from here on out. So frustrating, though!

  4. Arrrggh is right. You can always just hang out with the woman who is pregnant to "keep her company."

    Does the group know you are TTC? You can always say, "The Mr. and I are TTC, and I'm trying to keep what I eat and drink pure."

    Don't lie. And have a blast. Laugh a lot and have fun.

  5. Oh, mannnnnnnnn. What a sucky way to begin weekend like the one you describe - not quite confirmed BFN or BFP...I'm so sorry. I like Jem's suggestion. Or, to be honest, I would probably have a glass of wine here or there - it's so very early I wouldn't worry about it, and that way you don't feel like you're completely depriving yourself. I hope, though, that it is a late implanter and that after a very relaxing and enjoyable weekend you return to a GREAT beta.
    Thinking of you.

  6. ...any news? Been waiting for your next beta post...