I got my beta number today. The negative cutoff line for my RE is 5. Mine is 5.4 at 8dp5dt.
The RE's view is that we are testing a day earlier than she normally would since I am going out of town tomorrow and that it could continue to go up, in which case we just have a late implanter or something, and so I am keeping on with the estrogen and progesterone.
So I guess there is still hope, which I find sort of confusing, because I had just gotten used to this having failed. Seriously -- what's going ON in there?
Now, part of my brain thinks I should be all kinds of excited because this means there is still a chance that it will work. That part is small but persistent, and won't let me just ignore it.
The bigger part of my brain thinks:
- this is clearly not a viable pregnancy
- why am I being tortured with false hope - isn't a negative bad enough?
- this is just delaying forward progress
- this is totally fucking up my weekend away.
Now, the last one seems like it might be a small deal, but it's actually a big deal and here's why:
this weekend 10 of my friends from college are convening from the far corners of the country and are going away to a "destination spa" to celebrate our collective 40th birthdays. And I love spa stuff. But now not only do I have to forgo fun things like drinking, hot tubs, saunas, but I am going to have to deal with everyone murmuring about it "why isn't she drinking? is she pregnant? What's going on with the two of them anyway -- don't they want kids?"
Please bear in mind I'd definitely live with all of this to be pregnant and have a real shot to have a real, live baby at the end of this, but this part of my brain just thinks I am being toyed with.
I was already kind of terrified of this trip: 1 woman is 7 months pregnant, 8 women have already kids (4mo-7yo), 1 isn't married, and 1 has just failed her 10th ivf cycle. So I'm kind of worried that this is just going to be a "let's compare stories of motherhood" weekend. But I was prepared to deal with it by hiding in the gym/ sauna/etc with the other two childless women. But now? Now my plan is foiled and I have this added complication of fuelling rumors among my friends.
Am I stupid to have this little glimmer of hope? Because I fear that I am just going to get hurt more.
AAAARGH. Why can't I just get pregnant like everyone else???