Tuesday, January 19, 2010


There. I wrote it out as a full word. And now I am going to use it in a sentence: I am infertile. I think I've been kind of kidding myself that this really had nothing to do with me, and that I was just the victim of statistics, but I don't think that's really reasonable any more. And also, because twice so far this week I have felt like screaming "I know it would be great to have kids, but I'm fucking infertile."

Since Sunday, two very nice men, one an old friend from college who I hadn't seen in years, and one my dentist who happens to be my age and the brother of a former work colleague (so we are friendlier than one normally is with one's dentist), have told me how much they enjoy parenthood in the city, and how great it really is, and how I should really consider having kids, since it's really just super fabulous and the best thing they have ever done. Sigh.

But what really got me is that my old college friend brought his 3 year old daughter with him to our coffee date Sunday, and she was adorable, and he told me that "I was a natural" with her, and the waitress told me I had an adorable little girl.

And this little girl had this habit of putting her hand on my cheek to get my attention whenever it was not on her, and that warm, soft little hand on my face was one of the most wonderful things ever, and I don't even know this girl. In fact, just recalling it makes me cry, because I want that so badly.

So I'm going to wipe my eyes and blow my nose and go shoot up another night of lup.ron. Because while I may be a natural with kids, I'm certainly no natural in getting pregnant.


  1. Sigh. That sweet little hand. I can totally picture it. {hugs}

  2. I so understand how you feel! Take care.

  3. My nephew used to do the same thing with his little hand to get my attention. And when we were visiting - he'd come into the bedroom to wake me up in the morning and lay right in front of my face stroking my cheek and then he'd say "I love you Aunt Sarah" and I'd almost break down right there.
    It's painful and it totally sucks that we can't do what comes "naturally" to everyone else.
    Here's hoping that this FET brings you a beautiful baby of your own!

  4. Awww. What a lovely story - the part about the little girl, rather than the "helpful" people who thought they needed to tell you how wonderful it is to be parents.

    Part of me wonders if the following reply would be appropriate, "I'd love to be a parent, but my husband's sperm is crap, and even when we can produce a good embryo, my uterus doesn't seem to be able to keep it. Any advice what to do, 'cause I'd love to hear it!"


  5. I so get the little hand business. It is heart-wrenching. Most of the time I can't even look at babies anymore. I just pretend they don't exist because it hurts too much. I raise my vaginally inserted prometrium capsules in a toast to your lupron...To us - the infertiles! May we all get pregnant this cycle!

  6. Oh, if only people would think before they speak ... why are people so thoughtless and careless! I hope that you get pregnant during this cycle.


  7. Oh....its when I spend time with kids and I get the "you're a natural" comments that it kicks that I may be a natural but it's never gonna happen for me, so it doesn't matter how natural I am it's a not gonna happen for me!


  8. "You'd make great parents," is the line we get all the time. We love your blog, keep up the good writing...Come visit us if you have a chance. Happy ICLW! Sincerely, Infertility is the New Black.