Thank you

Thanks to you all for your help with both my recent MTHFR diagnosis (is that the right word?) and in supporting me through this bumpy path with my friend-who-could-not-be-more-tone-deaf.

So what have I learned and done since then? I learned that I have only one copy of the MTHFR mutation, although I don't know which part of the gene, so I guess that's better than it could be. And since I am a firm believer in taking my medical care into my own hands, I have basically increased my folic acid, b-6, and b-12 intake to what it would be if I was also taking Folgard with my prenatal. Lastly, I have added a baby aspirin.

I do promise to tell the RE all of this before I start my next cycle (in about a week, unless I am miraculously pregnant this month), but I figured that I could get things started now. As far as I can tell, these vitamins are all water soluble, so there's no real downside risk of taking more.

Other news? I have not heard any more from tone-deaf friend, and I'm thinking she thinks she was super helpful and now I'm just being difficult and "hiding." And it's true, I have hidden out before when things were bad, but I had dinner and brunch with other friends this weekend, and am pretty open about things, so that's not what is going on now. I'm sure she just thinks I can't deal with her blissfully happy life, but in fact I just can't deal with her. Clearly I am still hurt/ angry and so I'm going to have to sit with this for a while more before I'm willing to call her, and I think I may just wait for her to call me.

But it was really really nice to hear from you all that I was not unreasonable in being disappointed at the emails I received, and it makes me feel better knowing that you all do get it. We each are following different paths and are in different places, but understanding the soul- crushing experience of wanting something very badly and not being able to make it happen? You all get it. And while I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I'm really happy that you are here.

Otherwise, things are just fine. Had a nice weekend and now am just waiting for my period to come (ugh) so that we can get started again on IVF v.3.0

So far, I'm not sure I love 40....

I'm 40. It happened Sunday, and overall I feel much the same.

A couple of exciting (read that ironically, please) things have happened since the last post.

First, I got some of the results back from the gallon of blood that they took last week (I had been sent in for a lot of immunological testing and the Boy and I both were sent to get our genetic karyotype). Here's where things stand:

- the fucking nurses (sorry, usually they are quite nice) forgot to check the box for my karyotype, so I have to go back and get more blood drawn. Suffice it to say, I am not amused, as I am intending to start another cycle around the 25th, and these results could be USEFUL and now may not be back in time. AAAArgh.

- I apparently have a MTHFR mutation. Fan.fucking.tastic.

I only spoke to the RE briefly, so didn't get all of the details (which part of the gene, hetero or homozygous), but have emailed her to follow up. But on the upside, my homocysteine levels are normal. She is not concerned about this and just recommended that I up my folic acid to 2mg. She said she'd be more concerned if I had recurrent pregnancy loss, but I seem to fail at the implantation stage, and in her view there is not much to do there.

Views? I know a lot of MTHFR mutated women out there are on regimens of vitamins (folic acid, b6 and b12), baby aspirin, lovenox/heparin or some combination thereof. For implantation issues, should I be discussing any of this with my RE? And does the mutation type matter? Homocysteine levels? Dr Google is annoyingly unhelpful here.

Other reasons that this week has been a bit of a sucky one? Remember that heartfelt email that I sent to my friend hoping that she would "get it" and be a good source of support? Four days later I got back the lamest shit I could have possibly imagined:

Hi there,

Haven’t watched the video yet but promise I will. Just a few quick things about below. Please don’t worry about “negating” my experience. In our society, it is validated every day, deservedly or not. And, if you don’t speak frankly about how you feel, who will know? And how will we know which pep talk to give or not give? I used to fight with my parents when I’d complain to them about something in my world and they’d say “Well, why don’t you do X?” or “Have you thought about trying Y?” Finally I just had a major melt down and said, “You know, I’m not telling you this because I need you to help me fix it. I can do that myself. I’m just telling you this seeking a little empathy. Sometimes, I’d just like to hear “Oh, that must really stink”. Because you belittle me by trying to direct me to solutions that I’m perfectly aware of on my own.” Thus I stopped seeking empathy from my parents because they were incapable of it. Remembering my own experience, I try my best to be attuned to the difference between empathy and problem-solving. Not that I always get it right, but I do try.

OK – now I’m going to watch the video. Toodles –

Xoxo

And so while I am pleased that she feels that she thinks she is empathetic, I'm really getting none of that. And that sucks.

Her follow up email after watching the video?

"The video made me weepy too, and I couldn't help but notice that she had the same bathmat that we got from Target."

Seriously? That is the shit I get back in response to my email? I don't even know where to start I am so hurt/ angry/ shocked/ saddened. I just feel so disappointed in her -- she is completely unable to get it, and I thought I was making it so easy.

I've already decided to cut my losses here and not come back to her with another follow up. But I'm also not calling her any time soon. I guess I should have just left well enough alone, but instead I feel worse than I did when I started: she validated my isolation.

I guess you guys are it. In addition to your views on MTHFR, I could use a reminder that I am not the only one stuck in this circle of hell.