So this is kinda complicated

I'm pregnant-ish.

Beta at 12dp3dt was 39.

I had tested Saturday and got a negative result, despite me trying to convince my husband that there was a second line there.

And I am spotting a little bit of brown since yesterday. (Yeah, yuck.  Sorry.)

So I expected to get a negative result today and then plot timing for another cycle.

Instead, I guess I go back Wednesday to find out what's up.

But even if this goes south, as I sort of expect it will, I've already beaten the odds a bit.  Because in my age cohort there is only a 20% chance of pregnancy per cycle, and I managed to achieve that.

So maybe in this cycle or in some future one I can beat the odds again?

I've convinced myself that this has worked

Which is basically a recipe for disaster.

Before we get into how my head is completely f*cking with me (because you know, its my *head* and I couldn't possibly control it), I think that it's important that we review the numbers:
- National SART stats for likelihood of live birth per cycle for women 41-42 (with previous ART cycle and prev. live birth): 14.5%
-My age: 41 years and 50 weeks
- Number of embryos I transferred: 3, all 8-celled
- Days post-transfer: 7
- Days remaining until test: 5

What I'd really like to know are the cumulative live birth rates for my age cohort, but I can't seem to find that.  If anyone has them, feel free to share!

So while several of the comments raise the possibility of triplets (and here I say Heaven forfend!), I think that I am much more likely to have zero babies than any number greater than zero.  Because I am old.  And my eggs? They are even older.

But instead of understanding these numbers and internalizing the very low probability of success this cycle, instead I am letting myself open the door to a bit of foolish optimism. It's absurd, and violates my belief in always assuming the worst and then being pleasantly surprised.  Because at heart, though I am cynical, and bitchy and dark, I am an optimist and I just can't really believe that 15% means just that -- a 1 in 6 shot.

So why have I let my head screw with me (see above for how my head is totally on its own here, and pretty much outside of my influence)?  Because I am crampy.  Not in a "I'm getting my period" sort of way, but in a "something is afoot down there, there are all sorts of pulling and twinge-y things occurring."  So that has me totally convinced that I am beating the odds and am actually going to get pregnant with a take home baby this cycle.  I know that's ridiculous, but there you go.

Also, because we've never put back nearly this many embryos before (we are usually eSET people, but at my age we decided after much discussion that it was a waste of time to take that approach), my head equates more embryos in with much higher chance of pregnancy.  In short, I believe that it now HAS to work.

I'm heading for a huge, tremendous disappointment.

And now we wait

This cycle did a bit better in terms of yield:

15 retrieved

6 fertilized

6 still going on day 3 (although 2 were kinda cruddy looking and one was mediocre)

Transfer of three lovely 8-celled embryos was yesterday afternoon, and now it's time for waiting.

I hate the waiting. Really. (Yeah, we ALL hate the waiting but I hate it Right. Now.)

Plus, they told me not to lift heavy things, which means I can't pick up my baby for a few days. Sniff.

I'll know what's up by Monday the 30th. That is AGES from now. Thankfully, my mom is coming in for the weekend, so that should be a good distraction.

On competition

I'm not that competitive. Well, let me strike that. With things I am good at, I like to to well and to win. With things that I am not yet that good at? I couldn't really care less. That train led me to become a rather good student and a rather mediocre athlete, because I never could muster up the energy to try to beat people who cared more and might actually have been better.

Case in point, I was at a friend's and they wanted to play with the Wii. Ive never used one and I don't especially like video games (and as it turns out have very little facility for them). All I wanted was for the annoying loud game to stop. I sucked, but I also didn't try because I didn't care.

But on Words With Friends, which I have just started playing (late adopter of the iPhone) where there is a good shot of me winning? I'm kind of crazed. And although Liz at Womb for Improvement just handed me my ass in a game, I really try.

So what's the point? The point is that I am now bound and determined to get pregnant and have a second baby because I ran into my friend (and here) in the waiting room at morning monitoring. Despite her adamant protestations that she was "one and done" since it took her many cycles the first go round, there she was at 7.30am. And even though she says "oh we are certainly not going to do that many rounds again" I don't really believe her. At all.

So I know that everyone has the right to share or not share what they are thinking about their family planning choices. I know that, and I do much the same thing. And I know that people change their minds about what they will and will not do. But still, I'd like to think that I would just not say anything about what we would do in the future instead of firmly stating a position. Especially to someone that I am supposed to have some sort of trusting relationship with and who may have shared some personal information or thoughts with me.

Either way, there she was.

And now, despite the fact that we went into this new IVF-athon with some boundaries set (we said we would do up to 5 embryo transfers, since that's what it took to get B), now I'm thinking all bets are off. Because I would really like to have two kids and I certainly don't see why she should get what she wants and I should set some sort of arbitrary limit on getting what I want.

OK. When I write that, it sounds ridiculous. And so perhaps I was more sanguine about the limits before I started up with the shots and the calendars and the daily monitoring again. Because now? On the eve of my second transfer? I want this sh*t to WORK.

It was funny, actually. As I was walking to the subway after I ran into my aforementioned friend, I said out loud to myself "Damn. Now I HAVE to make this work." I knew immediately that her trying for a second baby would make me feel differently about our attempts at the same. What I can't really understand is WHY her presence jolted me out of my more lackadaisical attitude. Could it just be competitiveness? That's crazy and stupid. I actually think that it is closer to the truth about how I feel and I've just been trying to be lower key about this attempt. At least I hope that's the truth. Because having a baby because someone else is is idiotic. Really, even I know that and I'm all hopped up on injectable hormones.

Maybe a little competitive streak isn't bad when it helps surface feelings that you were trying to hide because they were scary and could lead to disappointment. But the wanting is out there now -- I'm not as convinced about our limits on cycles and I'm not convinced about our eSET approach (more on that in another post). What I am convinced of is that I really want to have another baby.

I am having a no good very bad day.

I'm feeling very emotionally fragile and hypersensitive and I cannot for the life of me shake it. It started on Friday and I've just been on the brink of tears intermittently since then. I know I have a lot going on, but this feeling of just "I'm crabby and pissed off at the world and don't look at me funny or I will cry" hasn't come around in a while.

I wish I could blame the shots (which I just typed as "sh*its" in a Freudian slip of the fingers), but I can't as they started on Friday and I felt pretty ragged all day. I just feel as if I am doing a crap job at everything -- at being a mom, being a wife, being an employee, being a friend. I feel like I am sucking at all of them and still running ragged.

Friday several members of my team went out to lunch and didn't ask me. Happens more often than I'd like to admit (they are all younger, single, hang out after work, etc.), but it really has started to grate on me. I feel like I am in junior high school. And what's more annoying is that I care as much as I would if I were in junior high school, which is crazily stupid on my part, but I just can't stop from feeling bad.

On Saturday night we went to dinner with a friend from Chicago and her husband. At the last minute she invited along our mutual friend who lives near me but has been pretty much absentee as a friend, despite the fact that we are both moms of boys the same age after several years of IVF. And it was just awkward, because I couldn't get past the fact that I resent the woman who has essentially dumped me as a friend. There were some other details that are too boring to mention, but I need to just get over it and yet it has deepened my sour mood.

So basically, I feel as if everyone I come into contact with is being incredibly annoying. My tolerance for bullshit is about zero, and my ability to fake it and be nice is also somewhat impaired.

I walked in the door yesterday evening. Early! To spend an extra bit of time with the wee one! And he started to cry and asked his nanny to pick him up. So I took a deep breath, took the dog outside, and continued to take deep breaths until the desire to bawl my eyes out passed. And while B got over his crying by the time I got back with the dog, I felt even worse than I had before I came home. (Of course, it took only 3 minutes with him before I felt better, so coming home early turned out to be the right idea.)

I don't have the faintest idea what I am doing. Am I making the right decision to work? I kind of need the money and health insurance, so stopping is not really an option. Am I making the right decision to pursue a second child when I can barely keep my head above water with one? What is wrong with me that I feel so incredibly lonely right now and when I think of how much I love my little boy I can barely keep from crying?

I feel I need a nap. Or a cookie. Or a hug.