So we've been pretty much low key about the whole thing, per my request, and that is all good. And I'm generally feeling better about things, but I'm pretty volatile right now, so that could change in a heartbeat. But I'm trying to be upbeat and at least modestly cheery.
Other things that are good? On CD 12, right after my predictions of doom and failure to ovulate, I got a "2" on the CBEFM. And have stayed there for 3 days, which is good. My body working as it should be has definitely improved my mood.
And on the topic of all things good, I reached out to another friend (B) and sent her the same article that I sent friend A, and she read it and we had a nice enough talk, and so that was generally good. Not great, since her toddler had woken up at 10pm and was having a meltdown in the background and she had to hide in the bathroom, but it was reasonably helpful just to have someone generally validate my feeling shitty.
And then friend A sent me an email which basically said "I think I did something to make you unhappy, and you should tell me if I do because I don't mean to." And weirdly, that email made me stupidly happy. Not so much because she made me unhappy about the squijillion references to her kids, but because she figured out why I bailed on our conversation.
And then I did something I should have done before, which is tell her the truth. And I sent her a long and somewhat rambling email, and while I haven't received anything back (perhaps this time I really DID piss her off??), at least I feel like I pissed off with purpose. By that I mean that my intention this time wasn't to make her unhappy or invalidate her feelings or experiences, but I wasn't embarrassed of how I was feeling and instead unambiguously articulated what I was feeling. And so if she is unhappy about it, I can't do anything because it truly captures how I feel.
And who knows? Maybe she's not offended but just waiting for time to get back to me. All I know is that I feel this huge sense of relief from sending an email that is frank and true to me.
For those of you interested, here's an extract: