Yeah, that's me losing my shit.
I don't know really what has precipitated the total and complete meltdown, but it started last night and continued this morning until I was both screaming at my husband for not helping me feel better and sobbing uncontrollably about how big I felt the hole was that was eating away at me.
In case he reads this, let me put this out there publicly -- I was a basket case and completely irrational. And I'm sorry. He's been beyond awesome 99.9% of the time, and so I should really cut him a break when I wake him up to whine.
Back to the meltdown. Let's recap a bit to see what might have caused this:
Sunday is my birthday. I'm turning 40. I refuse to actually believe it's happening, and just get really peevish when my other friends say -- "oh it wasn't that bad." Yeah for you, maybe. Your life is exactly how you thought it would be, and your kids are already 4 and 2. But for me? For me it's the sign of impending disaster, so shut the hell up about how bad it is.
Sunday is also Mother's day. Enough said on this one, but I thought I would leave you with this link to spread a little bit of cheer around the IF community. Because this commercial nearly sent me to bed weeping last night, and very likely was the catalyst for this meltdown today.
What kind of cruel ass joke is it for the infertile girl to have her 40th birthday on Mother's day? I think it's just mean.
I think I pissed off a friend by trying to ask for help (see last post). This is a friend with 2 kids and the one who responded to my email for cheering up with about eleven thousand mentions of her kids in a 2 line email. And then she left two chipper messages, and then I emailed her back saying "I'm doing ok, thanks very much for calling." And I can just tell she's pissed off. And she'll say she doesn't get it and she was trying to help and I will just look like the asshole for essentially blowing off her help. But it makes me feel like crap all the same, because she could try to get it -- googling this stuff wouldn't be that hard, and she might even stumble upon the resolve website and learn something useful. So I not only didn't get the verbal hug I wanted, but I am left with the sinking feeling as if she doesn't care enough to try to understand what is happening with me.
I keep thinking about this, and about thinking about how to get more out of the friendships I have, because I have cultivated these friendships for 20 years, and if they are not so useful now when I need them, well, then what was the point? So I tried another friend, also with kid, and actually sent her this from the resolve site as pre-reading for our call. Because it's really really hard for me to ask for help and not just try to shoulder this all on my own, and so a little but of outside perspective could help.
I hope it works out, or that I am not left feeling worse than I was before. Because I feel pretty bad about how my first attempt to reach out to a friend went, and I don't know if my presently fragile ego can take any more blows.
I'm just so scared that this won't ever work out and that I will be left with this huge aching gap where my heart should be. Right now I am at a place where I don't have the internal resources to know that other parts of my life and my other relationships are valuable and worth cherishing -- I only can see what is missing. So I need people -- people who know me and whose opinions I respect -- to tell me that yes, this experience sucks, but it is not my whole life and will not be my whole life forever. Right now it feels like it will be and that this hurt will swallow up everything else.
Oh, and to top it off, my always-regular body is misbehaving: usually by now I get a "2" on the CBEFM and then get the "3" and the little egg by CD14. Today is CD11 and I've got nothing. Still at a "1" and I'm thinking that this is the month that my body has chosen to not ovulate regularly on it's own. Because why? Because nothing is ever easy. (Yeah, I know it's still very early, but I'm doing my best Cassandra imitation and predicting doom.)
I'm exhausted and my eyes burn from crying and I'm clearly not working. I just want to go home and lie down.