Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Going, going... gone

Yeah, that's me losing my shit.

I don't know really what has precipitated the total and complete meltdown, but it started last night and continued this morning until I was both screaming at my husband for not helping me feel better and sobbing uncontrollably about how big I felt the hole was that was eating away at me.

In case he reads this, let me put this out there publicly -- I was a basket case and completely irrational. And I'm sorry. He's been beyond awesome 99.9% of the time, and so I should really cut him a break when I wake him up to whine.

Back to the meltdown. Let's recap a bit to see what might have caused this:

Sunday is my birthday. I'm turning 40. I refuse to actually believe it's happening, and just get really peevish when my other friends say -- "oh it wasn't that bad." Yeah for you, maybe. Your life is exactly how you thought it would be, and your kids are already 4 and 2. But for me? For me it's the sign of impending disaster, so shut the hell up about how bad it is.

Sunday is also Mother's day. Enough said on this one, but I thought I would leave you with this link to spread a little bit of cheer around the IF community. Because this commercial nearly sent me to bed weeping last night, and very likely was the catalyst for this meltdown today.

What kind of cruel ass joke is it for the infertile girl to have her 40th birthday on Mother's day? I think it's just mean.

I think I pissed off a friend by trying to ask for help (see last post). This is a friend with 2 kids and the one who responded to my email for cheering up with about eleven thousand mentions of her kids in a 2 line email. And then she left two chipper messages, and then I emailed her back saying "I'm doing ok, thanks very much for calling." And I can just tell she's pissed off. And she'll say she doesn't get it and she was trying to help and I will just look like the asshole for essentially blowing off her help. But it makes me feel like crap all the same, because she could try to get it -- googling this stuff wouldn't be that hard, and she might even stumble upon the resolve website and learn something useful. So I not only didn't get the verbal hug I wanted, but I am left with the sinking feeling as if she doesn't care enough to try to understand what is happening with me.

I keep thinking about this, and about thinking about how to get more out of the friendships I have, because I have cultivated these friendships for 20 years, and if they are not so useful now when I need them, well, then what was the point? So I tried another friend, also with kid, and actually sent her this from the resolve site as pre-reading for our call. Because it's really really hard for me to ask for help and not just try to shoulder this all on my own, and so a little but of outside perspective could help.

I hope it works out, or that I am not left feeling worse than I was before. Because I feel pretty bad about how my first attempt to reach out to a friend went, and I don't know if my presently fragile ego can take any more blows.

I'm just so scared that this won't ever work out and that I will be left with this huge aching gap where my heart should be. Right now I am at a place where I don't have the internal resources to know that other parts of my life and my other relationships are valuable and worth cherishing -- I only can see what is missing. So I need people -- people who know me and whose opinions I respect -- to tell me that yes, this experience sucks, but it is not my whole life and will not be my whole life forever. Right now it feels like it will be and that this hurt will swallow up everything else.

Oh, and to top it off, my always-regular body is misbehaving: usually by now I get a "2" on the CBEFM and then get the "3" and the little egg by CD14. Today is CD11 and I've got nothing. Still at a "1" and I'm thinking that this is the month that my body has chosen to not ovulate regularly on it's own. Because why? Because nothing is ever easy. (Yeah, I know it's still very early, but I'm doing my best Cassandra imitation and predicting doom.)

I'm exhausted and my eyes burn from crying and I'm clearly not working. I just want to go home and lie down.


  1. (((((hugs)))))

    I hope your friend read the RESOLVE info, and is helpful. Its a lot going on for 1 week.

  2. I'm so sorry. Sometimes it seems that those outside of the IF world just Really Don't Get It.

    I know that a virtual hug from a stranger is nowhere near the same thing, but I am sending you one anyway.

  3. What a cruel joke for your birthday to fall on Mother's Day. I won't wish you a happy birthday b/c it does not sound like that kind of birthday for you, I will let you know that I will be thinking of you on Sunday....
    P.S. I hope that resolve link is helpful and you find the support you need.

  4. I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope the info helps your friend support you in the way that you need. Maybe I should pass that along to my mother, who also doesn't get it.

  5. that's certainly a very cruel joke about your bday this year. i'm soooo sorry. sending you a big *hug* because it sounds like you need it.
    can i try to make you feel better by telling you that my bff's sister (who is 42) got pregnant on her 3rd ivf attempt? she's now 5 months along and doing well. so as $hitty as this mother's day/bday is going to be, i hope that as low as you're feeling that day, that next year does a 180 for you and you'll be eager to celebrate with either a bun in the oven, or babe already here - i'm sending a message to the universe to get you knocked up instead of that 15 yr teenager who's too dumb to have protected sex (it's all i can do to not physically attack them when i see 'em on the street).

    what you're feeling right now and what you're going through isn't going to last forever. it'll be your turn. i hope this other friend has more of a clue than the last one. the link you sent is only 6 pages - it's not asking much for a good friend to read that before speaking to you. if she has foot-in-mouth disease, perhaps you'll get sudden diarrhea while on the fun and have to run.

  6. I'm sorry. Dealing with all of that in one place is more than you should have to do. And I KNEW I shouldn't follow that link to the commercial. But naturally I did and all I can say is: ugh:( Hit those nails in deeper, Hallmark. 'Cause we're just not hurting enough. The friend thing is so tough, and I don't have any advice to give just a lot of understanding. Because it's not a hurdle I've managed to clear.

    I'm not sure if this helps but after my IVF, I was very slow to ovulate in the next cycle. It happened about 7 days later than expected. Excruciating. Not sure if this happened to you last time, but my guess (hope!) is that your body is just slow to start this month, given the medicinal storm it experienced.

    (And while I can imagine you're not in a mood to hear anecdotes, I'm going to send you one anyway: my SIL had her twin hellions on her 3rd IVF. She was 41, I believe.)

  7. Turning 40 on Mother's Day? Oh, that is cruel :(. I'm sorry your one friend wasn't very supportive, but I hope the other comes through for you after the prep email.

  8. I'm so so sorry. I also turned 40 recently after several failed treatments and losses. I hope you're gentle with yourself and find things to indulge in to get through this difficult weekend and keep moving forward.

  9. Delurking to ask if you can send your fertile girlfriend who just doesn't get this video:

    It's a "What IF" video for the Resolve project. I don't know how anyone - fertile or infertile - wouldn't/couldn't be moved and inspired. Keep tissues close by.

  10. Yup, I certainly get the 'turning 40' and still no children, shit. What I don't get is how people expect you to celebrate it.
    I'm sorry that you have the added salt in the wound of your birthday falling on Mothers Day. Wishing you a gentle day for you birthday... and a cancelled MD!!!

  11. Yes, your birthday has got to be the cruelest joke in the universe. That's just absurd, the kind of thing that would be in a Sandra Bullock movie if she ever played an infertile woman going through IF hell. And none of us would believe it because it'd just be too fucking hokey to add insult to injury and then kick the dead horse while it's down.

    I am so sorry. Know that I'll be sending you warm thoughts vibes ALL day on Sunday. Maybe, just maybe it'll make it a little tiny bit better to know that we are all really really feeling for you right now. And we all really do understand how it feels.

  12. Oh man, I hate Hallmark and my family has never even celebrated mother's day and that stupid commercial still made me cry. HAAAATE you, Hallmark, for strumming on our emotions like a banjo! (But your comment to me made me laugh super hard, so it's an emotional net gain for me--thanks!)

    I'm just joining you so don't want to be all presumptuous with my offers of empathy, but UGG! It's clear that everything sucks really hard right now, and that only a Vulcan could be okay (however supportive her husband is) and I'm so, so sorry you've had to go through this. And those real life friends, they're just so unable to grasp what it's like. A friend I've known since I was twelve has completely FAILED me, and it's so hard not to resent her, but then I find myself remembering all the many things I couldn't comprehend before they became a part of my life...Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say what you're experiencing (the complete randomness of an unsuccessful IVF cycle plus everything else) is complete hell, and I wish you didn't have to be here right now. I hope that the misery lifts a little soon, and that you can find a way to celebrate your life...though perhaps not on your birthday proper.

  13. I'm sorry. Sorry that you are going through this, and sorry that your friend(s) can't/won't give you the emotional support you need.

    Although I am not someone "who knows you and whose opinion you respect," I feel certain that there are things in your life for which you can feel gratitude and happiness. After all, you have spent your adulthood focusing on those other relationships and pursuits.

    BUT I also understand how hard it can be to keep this in mind when what is lacking is so stark and unavoidable.

    Oh, and for what it's worth. . . I hate Mothers Day. I never liked it before I was infertile, and I like it even less now.

  14. I can so relate to how you are feeling. I read a sentence the other day that really resonated with me--your infertile friend wants you to know she's dying. That's how I feel inside. Like part of me has actually died. And part of me has. I will not be passing my genes on, so my genetic line has died. (Since we are done with treatments.) Processing that has been very difficult for me, but each day is a little better--so far.

    I've "unfriended" many people over the last couple of years. I just don't have the energy these days to deal with other people's problems (hell I can hardly deal with my own some days), which never seem as bad as mine, nor do I want to hear about other people's wonderful lives. You just have to do what you have to do to get through this. And don't feel bad about it.

    I wish I had some great advice for you, but I do "get it." I'll be thinking of you on your birthday Sunday. Take care.

  15. Thanks for YOUR post on my blog! I needed the positive spin. I really really hope you are right. Well, you have got to be right, honestly. It's just easy for me to forget and I need to be reminded. I suppose that if I didn't feel that deep down on some level then there isn't any reason to keep taking showers or brushing my teeth. I like the Pollyana, don't lose it.