Wednesday, September 15, 2010

All is still well, but I'm stuck

I'm 15 weeks 6 days and all is still well.

I haven't been writing a lot recently because, well, this started as an infertility blog and I feel kind of shitty about turning it into a place where I bitch about how I don't fit into my pants any more because I am gaining pregnancy weight. I hate the idea of this blog in any way making someone else unhappy, because I can certainly tell you that there were many blogs that I used to read and had to stop because (in my mind, at least) they got pregnant and seemingly forgot all about how it felt to be infertile.

So I'm torn, I guess. I struggled for a while -- 18 months to be exact -- to get pregnant, and that pain is still very fresh in my mind. But I'm pregnant and things appear to be ok for now, and for me that means that some things that used to really bother me don't sting so much any more. But I'm not sure about talking about them here, because I really don't want to make anyone else feel bad.

This blog, then, like me, is torn between two worlds -- pregnant, fertile-dom and infertile-dom.

This even came up IRL at dinner on Saturday. We went out with friends who have a toddler, and much of the conversation was spent discussing baby stuff. Read: pregnant, fertile women conversation. But then it shifted, and I was back to being infertile: we were discussing another friend who is expecting in January after many many rounds of IVF. While I haven't spoken to that friend yet (more on that in another post), apparently she said that, while she is thrilled to be pregnant, she may never recover from the experience of infertility. The friend who was telling the story was dismissive of that; something to the effect of "she just doesn't know yet. I view my life as really starting when I gave birth and I think she will forget all of the trouble she had getting there." Infertile me could feel the heat rising and my pulse rate going up when she said that, because, frankly, I don't think you ever really "get over" infertility. I tried to explain to her that the fundamental loss of control, the loss of trust in your own body, and the sheer amount of bitterness and jealousy are really hard to get past, but I don't think she bought it. But the hurt and the anger, the lack of confidence and fear that it would/ could never work all came rushing back when we were talking.

Anyway, this is kind of rambling and long, but the point is that I feel stuck in the middle. I'm definitely pregnant (we just saw it yesterday, and so it is still there and still doing well), but I feel definitely infertile. And because I feel stuck, this blog has felt a bit harder to write. I'm sure it will change and evolve, but right now it's definitely a challenge for me to navigate these two worlds.


  1. I so get the in-between place.
    You can be both, you are both, and feeling like you've got one foot on the dock and one in the boat is completely normal.

    THank you for your fabulous post, and your honesty.


  2. Yeah, me too. Not that I had any trouble writing, but just that I felt bad about it. In the end I decided that it is my blog, and people don't have to read it if they don't want to. Not that I was insensitive to hurting people, but it's just that I need this. I am not a regular pregnant lady. Part of me still wonders if I will ever be a mom, as things can certainly still go wrong. I feel like I will stop blogging here when the baby is born (fingers crossed! knock on wood!), but until then this feels like part of the same journey that I was on when I was ttc.

    I hope you decide to keep blogging too, as it is really helpful to interact with other pregnant-after-a-struggle-and/or-losses women.

    I'm thrilled to hear that everything is progressing wonderfully for your pregnancy. I had figured that no news was good news, but I was wondering how you were doing and hoping that your silence was not ominous!

  3. I'm glad to hear things are good. I don't think someone who has gone through what you've gone through will ever forget. I think those who have never experienced IF don't really understand (understatement of the year) and really think we'll just "get over it."

  4. I know where you are coming from. Even though I'm sitting here with a viable baby in my belly, I don't think that I'll ever be the same after going through all of the infertility treatments. While I'm focused now on his coming rather than how I got here, the fear and enforced distance I've had throughout the pregnancy is not typical! Pregnancy for an infertile is not typical! I think that despite how you get pregnant, you are allowed to go through the experience and not feel bad. The reality is that feeling sick or puking every morning sucks and is what you go through being pregnant. As much as you are grateful for the pregnancy, it doesn't make it fun. Discussing this is part of the process. You also combine it with the stress of knowing how dear this pregnancy is to you... It's okay to talk about what you are going through now without disrespecting what other infertiles are going through.

  5. Ugh, I'm sure it's so easy for someone who has NEVER GONE THROUGH IT to dismiss the pain of infertility so easily. And I hear that a lot - "My whole life started once I had kids, everything else before that was meaningless!". I didn't realize my life hadn't started yet (heavy sarcasm intended here)! Bleh.
    I'm glad to hear everything's going okay with your pregnancy, though :). I hope you keep blogging, and as someone who has real trouble keeping track once people move to different blogs, I hope you keep blogging right here! Just kidding :). You should do whatever you want and those who want to keep reading will.

  6. I hope you keep blogging too. Of course, there might be times that I do not feel up to reading or commenting, but I am always thinking good things for you.
    The idea that pregnancy/babies erase IF is so interesting. Obviously it is a happy ending, but I think it makes sense that the whole experience will leave a mark on you. This is something that those lucky fertiles will never get. I think pregnancy and parenting after IF is unique for sure.

  7. When I was debating about how much medical intervention to take, a good friend of mine who had her baby through IVF said that HOW she got pregnant didn't matter once her baby was born. But she has clearly never "gotten over" the pain she went through to get there as she has been amazingly sympathetic over this process (and is the only friend IRL who knew what we were going through). She even said that while she absolutely adores her children, that she really did think you could have a wonderful and fulfilled life without them. I will never be able to thank her enough for telling me that.

    But to your post, I totally hear you. And I definitely feel similarly. I really really hope that the people I make uncomfortable will just knock me off of their "follow" list. Blog world has to be fluid, you find people who are at your same phase of life, but as you shift around you find other people who better match your new world. I think that's ok. Although yes, I do feel really guilty and could easily spend a lot of blog space talking about how scary ginormous my breasts have become but don't...

  8. ahh, you're pregnant now. who cares about all the pain and trauma you had to endure before this? *sarcasm*. stating the obvious, ppl don't have a damn clue unless they've been through this. i wish i could shake ppl sometimes, their stupid remarks are so offensive.

    i'm glad you got to see baby on the screen yesterday and that all is progressing rather nicely. hope the nausea has subsided??? i can't believe how quickly time has gone by and that you're already almost 16 weeks. damn!!! take it easy and i'm looking forward to next week!

  9. This is an amazing post. Thank you for sharing what it feels like to be on the other side in such an honest and sensitive way...I like to think I will be able to one day be pregnant and shrug off the pain of infertility but I know deep down it doesn't work that way. As Kate says, you are both, and that's okay. And we love you and would miss you if you stopped blogging. Blog for you, and we will be here.
    p.s. I would love to take you up on your offer! I'll e-mail you.

  10. Hey IE...can't seem to find your e-mail address on here - can you e-mail me?
    Thank you!!

  11. I agree with the others about your being both, and while it must often feel strange to have one foot in both worlds, you're pregnant and deserve to be, and deserve to take all the joy you can in that without feeling that you have to monitor what you say on here. I say: let the baby updates flow:)

    As for your IRL's strange...IF is such an awful knowledge. And unless you've been there, you just can't know:(

  12. Have you been reading my mind? Have you been in my head? I've had many of these same thoughts and feelings, it is such a weird in-between space to be in, pregnant after IF.

    What I came up with is this: this is a blog for me, first and foremost. My diary. I needed to write about what was going on with me, what I was experiencing, write it out so I could process through it. I knew I would lose some readers, and that's cool (heck, we all left blogs after 2 lines appeared), but I've found I've gained some new readers too.

    So write for you, and the rest will fall into place.

  13. That is exactly how I feel. Maybe I'll have to start another blog.