Monday, August 30, 2010

The great reveal, and random thoughts

I told my direct boss today.
He was awesome about it, although he did say those dreaded words "Oh I *knew* it!" which leads me to believe that I am just looking F-A-T fat. (Actually, he said he knew because the day that my nausea hit we were at an all day meeting at his house, and since I both (a) asked for hard candies and (b) threw up in his bathroom, his wife kind of guessed. And yeah, I'm mortified that someone actually heard me puking my insides out, but at least I was very tidy about it.)

Which leads me to another point: I'm very ready for the nausea to take its leave. I believe that I'm ready to eat a meal and then not feel terribly bloated and nauseous for the following three hours. It was super reassuring back at weeks six and seven, but now? Now I just feel like poo and would like to be back to my own self again.

I'd also like, if the pregnancy gods are listening, to sleep more at night. I get that I have to wake up to pee. That's fine. 4am-4.03am seems like enough time for that. But at 5.44am I'm not sure I still need to be wide awake listening to my husband sleep peacefully. And, while I know this is wrong and makes me a bad wife, when I'm awake and he's asleep, I want to wake his sleeping ass up. It makes me angry that he is sleeping and I can't. I know it's bad, but it's true.

Lastly, I'm just waiting to actually look pregnant, not overweight. I know that I was probably 6-10lbs over my ideal weight when I got pregnant, and I would like to thank IVF for that (all those drugs and the times where exercise was verboten really did a number on my girlish figure), but right now, even when I look at myself hard, all I see is that stupid extra weight around my stomach instead of a pregnancy bump. I'm having a weirdly hard time with this, and really am feeling icky and fat and kind of ashamed of how I look instead of all glowy and pregnant. Maybe its just too early (13+ weeks) to look like much at all, and maybe in a few weeks when things progress further this will change, but I'm not at all in love with my pregnant shape right now, and that makes me kind of sad. The sad, of course, then makes me feel guilty that, after all of this time waiting to get pregnant, I'm not enjoying it as much as I should.

To summarize: on the one hand, very very excited to be pregnant at 40 with what appears to be (for n0w, at least) a healthy child. On the other hand, some of the stuff that comes with first trimester (weird body changes, nausea, insomnia) are not that great, and while I'd rather have them than not be pregnant, I'd also rather be pregnant without them.


  1. So hearing you! Too funny about your bosses wife... but kind of cool that other people figured it out. Makes the "uckiness" factor less b/c the people you probably care most about what they think, already guessed that you were pregnant.

    What I don't really get is how it is that my gut has expanded so much when the baby is still nestled up in my pelvis. Is this just all my guts getting pushed aside that makes me look like I got an old dude's beer gut?

    Those of us who did the IVF weight gain crappola should get bonus points. I begrudge those pre-pregnancy 5 pounds immensely.

    I hope your nausea goes away soon -- you are just a couple of days away from the end of trimester 1!!!! yippee!!!

  2. I really enjoyed this post- it seems like some things are for sure universal, like the hating feeling fat part. No one has even begun to guess that I'm pregnant-- I still haven't told anyone at work (is this weird? should I tell people at work?), and I look totally normal except my ass is bigger and I have a small beer gut. At 17.5 weeks...

    I hope you feel better and sleep better soon-- I've been sleeping like a rock, but have been paying for it with massive headaches (both are a side effect of really high progesterone).

  3. ha ha, ditto on Leslie's comment about universal. I have insomnia pretty bad this time and not loving that. But if I'll definitely take it over not being pregnant.

  4. I had a friend who felt like this - at around 13 weeks she just felt flabby around the middle. But then, voila, at around 14-15 weeks that bump materialized, and all the jiggly was converted into a very evident baby bump:)

  5. I am pretty much the same as what Adele described above: looking at first like I'd had weeks of too-many-cheeseburgers and then, abruptly: bump! (But it was a bit further along for me, like closer to 17-18 weeks.) I remember the first trimester insomnia verrrry well. I used this time to catch up on all the blog reading that I was missing by going to bed each night at, oh, 6:30pm. It is frustrating, but it does get a little better. Sure, I still get up about three times to pee each night, but I've trained myself to stay mostly asleep during this time, so that I can just fall back into bed soundly afterwards and zzzzzzz...

    Don't feel guilty for one bleepin' second that you're not all pom-poms and high kicks over pregnancy right now. PLEASE. What you're feeling is totally normal and we getcha. ;)

  6. Same experience here too! I am just now, at 20 weeks, moving from looking fat to looking pregnant. It is totally normal - the teens of pregnancy, so to speak. When you hit 20 (weeks that is) you get to grow up and look like you should. And the insomnia! Gosh, that was so surprising to me, but it seems very common. It comes and goes, even now. But the peeing never ends!!

    We're all with you, been there, and totally get where you are at now. Hang in there, it is worth it in the end (or so they tell me!).

  7. I know what you mean about feeling like you swallowed the neighbor dog. I seriously have a beer gut right now. Can't wait for it to turn into a round baby belly. Hope your nausea goes away!

  8. Don't feel guilty about not enjoying this pregnancy yet. When you feel better, you'll start enjoying it more. I also went through IVF (8 times!) and just had my twins at 41 AND lost my daughter at 37 weeks to stillbirth 2 years ago. And guess what? I still hated being pregnant and sick. It is what it is. Pregnancy is no fun for most of us. But you'll have your baby and you'll forget all about it. xxoo

  9. I wish you were getting a magical romantic pregnancy with nothing but blissful feelings. It's not too late for that version to materialize! But in the meantime, it's totally fair to be angry at happy, sleeping husbands. (Mine snores, which wakes me up, so I lie there glowering.) MONSTERS.

  10. haha, once in a while, i feel the same way when i'm awake and hubby is blissfully sleeping. unlike you, i usually just say softly "i can't sleep", to see if he hears me or not. more often than not, he will, and he'll keep me company :o)

    hope the nausea goes away and sleep returns for you!! glad the reveal went well and hope work's easing up so you can relax!! xoxoxoxo.

  11. I hope you get through this hard part of pregnancy and start to feel and look better soon (even though I am sure you look great to everyone other than yourself). Hoping for a cute little baby bump very very soon.

  12. I suppose it must be kind of jarring to realize that pregnancy, the thing we've all been working towards for so long, is not the blissful glowing happy state we've all imagined. I can only think that it's going to get better in some ways, and worse in others (I hear the 3rd trimester can be, um, uncomfortable!), and so you just have to take it one day at a time and try to focus more on the good stuff than the bad stuff. But still, I hope the pregnancy gods have heard your pleas and throw you a bone every once in a while!