I missed my one year blogoversary -- it was yesterday.
Last year at this time I was pretty much an emotional wreck:
- I had left my job because the stress and travel were too much, but had no concrete job prospects.
- The Boy had been out of work for a few months and his industry (finance/ trading) was in significant disarray, making job hunting very challenging.
- My mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time.
- My FIL's cancer had returned and he was undergoing aggressive chemotherapy.
- We had been trying to get pregnant for 9 months to no avail, and were just about to start our first IVF cycle.
This blog was an outlet for me to express all of the stress and fear and anxiety in a way that was both (hopefully) productive and could connect me to a community of people that could support me through the hard parts of everything. I had no real expectations of what I would find, and I have to say, I still remain floored by the unconditional outpourings of kindness that are received in this community between women who are, by some measure, complete strangers.
I've leaned on all of you, and leaned on the writing, to help me get through the very darkest, hardest parts of the last year. My IRL friendships, family relationships, sense of self, and marriage were strained, but I've managed to muddle through and have emerged, a year later, into a place I could only have dreamed of.
- I have a job I love, and found it relatively easily.
- Both my mom and my FIL's cancers are gone. Mom's is hopefully really gone, and my FIL is again in remission and he is feeling good.
- I'm 17 weeks pregnant today.
The Boy, throughout all of this, has been nothing short of spectacular. Yes, we have disagreed about how to proceed on cycles, about turning down jobs in the face of no other prospects, and about all manner of other foolishness. And yes, he made/ makes me crazy sometimes. But he has never really wavered in his support and love of me, even when I was hormonal and mean and not necessarily deserving of what he was offering. And for that I am profoundly grateful and immensely happy. We have made it through a very very hard year, and can honestly say that it has made us, and our relationship, stronger in every way, and has shown us that we really can weather even storms that by all rights should overwhelm us.
So now, looking forward, what do I want from the next year? Three things, actually.
I want more than anything for the thing that keeps the Boy up at night worrying to be gone. I want him to find a position where he can contribute his experience and expertise, and is valued and he enjoys his work. He has been so patient and hard-working throughout this whole process, and is so talented and smart that I want nothing more than for him to be rewarded with a role that deserves and values him.
I want this pregnancy to stay, and stay healthy and smooth, and then for there to be a healthy, happy baby at the end. I still have moments of sheer terror that this will all end in tragedy, but most of the time am just so grateful for each day of being here and being pregnant.
Finally, I want the world to be right and just and fair, and for everyone who is trying so hard to have a family to do so in a way that makes them happy. The women in this community are some of the most caring, kind, thoughtful people I have ever encountered, and they would all make wonderful mothers and should all have that opportunity.