Oh but the crazy is hard to work through.
I am obsessively trying to sort out whether my beta levels are actually too low for this to be a real, sustainable pregnancy. I've convinced myself that this is doomed. Here is why. Apparently low HCG levels are associated with an increased risk of miscarriage after heartbeat is seen. And they define low as 181 on 16 dpo. And I was 176.
I know this is different than my last pregnancy -- those numbers were definitively low -- 39 at 15 dpo, 264 at 19 dpo, 920 at 21 dpo -- but for some reason I feel that mine are still low now and that, combined with my age, is just predicting disaster. I feel somehow like this stupid chart that I use to plot betas only means real baby if your betas are ABOVE the max line (as mine were for B).
I don't want to get excited by a heartbeat again and then lose this. If I do, I think I will see that as a sign and just give up.
I've convinced them I am going in tomorrow. Even though they really don't usually run HCG tests on the weekend. I just can't take the crazy.
I am obsessively trying to sort out whether my beta levels are actually too low for this to be a real, sustainable pregnancy. I've convinced myself that this is doomed. Here is why. Apparently low HCG levels are associated with an increased risk of miscarriage after heartbeat is seen. And they define low as 181 on 16 dpo. And I was 176.
I know this is different than my last pregnancy -- those numbers were definitively low -- 39 at 15 dpo, 264 at 19 dpo, 920 at 21 dpo -- but for some reason I feel that mine are still low now and that, combined with my age, is just predicting disaster. I feel somehow like this stupid chart that I use to plot betas only means real baby if your betas are ABOVE the max line (as mine were for B).
I don't want to get excited by a heartbeat again and then lose this. If I do, I think I will see that as a sign and just give up.
I've convinced them I am going in tomorrow. Even though they really don't usually run HCG tests on the weekend. I just can't take the crazy.
Okay. Yes, I've heard things like this. There was a study I read when I got pregnant with LG also using day 16 levels, and what they told me then was that I'd have a 95% chance of NOT miscarrying. Guess they were right.
ReplyDeleteBut. But. But.
(1) You said yourself you don't know for sure if day 16 is actually day 16, right? And one day can make a HUGE difference in levels.
And (2) numbers are numbers, they aren't real life. Remember my doomed-to-fail-by-the-numbers pregnancy? And then the 90% likelihood of miscarriage sac problem? He's TALKING now!
This can work, this can work, this can work. Yes, I know it could go any which way, but it could work. It could work. It could work. Say it with me now.
I needed that. I've just made a spreadsheet of every single blogger's beta numbers. I'm insane. This will help stop the madness. For a bit, at least!
DeleteWhile I do understand the obsessing and anxiety, think about the 90% or so chance that all is ok. And, also realize that while you might be under the median, you're still above the 25th percentile most likely given the range they show and that is the point where it looks like the significance really seems to increase. And, even then, not too high.
ReplyDeleteAnd, labs have such variation on these numbers that you can't even compare one lab's results to the other for the same pregnancy -- so your actual numbers versus theirs may not really mean the same thing with such precision.
And, I know none of this really helps. I know the obsession and anxiety is just crazy hard to let to of. I'll be here obsessing with you. (((Hugs)))
Yep, there's NO cure for the obsessing, but I'm with G. IT CAN WORK, IT CAN WORK, etc. That's what it comes down to end the end, not numbers based on generalizations over thousands of people. Things that look perfect aren't, things that look terrible are babies, we see it all the time. There is little comfort in the numbers, and what they say right now is that it's going as it should. I am scared with you, but deeply optimistic.
ReplyDeleteYour anxiousness is clear. So sorry this is so stressful for you. If obsessing helps - go ahead! Good luck tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteSending you big hugs and lots of peace
Virtual hand holding. I have a google doc with all my numbers. Doom queen, google freak is me. But that is what we do to protect our very hopeful hearts from the crushing fear of losing a very much wanted baby. The detect five thing was already in my plan as I wanted to stop getting bloodwork if I was ever successful again.
ReplyDeleteNormal, everyday pregnancies start just like this. Take news as it comes and remember that it can work out fine even if you have trouble believing it yourself.
That was a super interesting article-- of course you realize that your chances of miscarriage going from 8% to 13% (or whatever the exact result was) isn't a huge difference. When you have that many people in a study, you can get a significant p-value, even with a very small effect size. And there are many, many other reasons why you can't compare yourself to this study directly, as some others have pointed out.
ReplyDeleteObsessing, though? I totally get it. Clinging to any shred of information that may point which way this will go? Check.
You had a doubling time of 34 hours. That's excellent. It can't get much better than this-- and still, things can still just go either way. It's a hell of a wait. But your chances are as good as anyone's, here.