It's up to 1066

Phew. This seems good. Doubling time is now 40 hours, so that's pretty good. Dr. is pleased.  I am ok.

Actually did not hear from the Dr until 630 a even that required several calls and some agita.

I guess we will just keep crossing our fingers until Monday, when I do this again.  If all good then us Thursday.

 No real symptoms to date except some tugging- cramping feelings in my uterus.   Oh and I have had two bloody noses. Which I've never had before. Not sure what that means except I should carry more tissues.

Pretty much now settling into the waiting.  Easier during the weekend than when I am at my desk.

Thank you all for the emotional support. 

Obsessing

Oh but the crazy is hard to work through.

I am obsessively trying to sort out whether my beta levels are actually too low for this to be a real, sustainable pregnancy.  I've convinced myself that this is doomed.  Here is why.  Apparently low HCG levels are associated with an increased risk of miscarriage after heartbeat is seen.  And they define low as 181 on 16 dpo.  And I was 176.

I know this is different than my last pregnancy -- those numbers were definitively low -- 39 at 15 dpo, 264 at 19 dpo, 920 at 21 dpo -- but for some reason I feel that mine are still low now and that, combined with my age, is just predicting disaster.  I feel somehow like this stupid chart that I use to plot betas only means real baby if your betas are ABOVE the max line (as mine were for B).

I don't want to get excited by a heartbeat again and then lose this.  If I do, I think I will see that as a sign and just give up.

I've convinced them I am going in tomorrow.  Even though they really don't usually run HCG tests on the weekend.  I just can't take the crazy.

Beta 2 -- all looks ok

476.  Doubling time of 34 hours and right on the median on the fancy chart I use.  I wish I could figure out how to cut the image from the website, but whatever.

I'm both trying to relax and enjoy each moment as it comes as well as freaking the f*ck out.  At the same time.

I know that my risk of miscarriage is very high
I know the risk of chromosomal abnormality is very high
I know that at my age the risk of preterm labor is high

I also know that I have never ever gotten pregnant before without ART despite months and months of trying, and that this -- especially at my age -- is nothing short of a miracle.  I'm not that religious, so I don't throw that word around lightly.  I speak more of probabilities and likelihoods.  But this?  Defying pretty much all I know about statistics.

So this can go sideways or down or bad in about 100 different ways, but right now I'm focusing on the "miracle" part of this.

I may go in for another beta on Saturday am, just because I am crazy.  I own the crazy though, and frankly I think a situation like this warrants some crazy.

Part of me wants to call my OB, who I love and would be friends with if she wasn't also my OB, and tell her about this.  But then I remember that right after I made the appt. last time I had a miscarriage and when I went to see her it was for the d&c.  So I will wait until after this u/s.  And maybe until after I can hear a heartbeat (although I saw that last time, too).  I'm rambling.  And shockingly unproductive at work.

I'll find out later this pm about an u/s next week.  Holy sh*t.

So a funny thing happened

I appear to have gotten pregnant.  Without IVF.  At age 42.8.

I went in for bloodwork to check on where my period was to start my IVF cycle, and so imagine my surprise when my RE called me to tell me that I hadn't gotten a period because my beta was 173 at what I believe is 16 dpo.  Or thereabouts.  Because I wasn't really paying attention this month as we had been taking a bit of a break.

Anyway.  I'm surprised as all get out.  And anxious.  Because, you know, this is only the very very beginning of the road and I have been here before.

Because I really thought they had mixed my results up with someone else, I went and bought the fanciest, most expensive pregnancy tests I could find. It says I'm pregnant, too.  I'm including a photo for you to see.

It's ridiculous.  Truly ridiculous.