And now we are 9 (months)

I cannot believe nine months has gone by since B has been out in the world and in our lives. His arrival was eagerly anticipated, but in no way could I have imagined how wonderful it would be to be his mother, and how he would bring joy and love (and a little bit of much-needed perspective about what's important) to our lives.

What I also could not have anticipated is how enormous he would be -- considering we brought him home at 5.5 lbs and 19.5 inches, that he is now 31 inches and a whopping 25.2 lbs is simply shocking. He's enormous. And funny and very mobile, although he still prefers the army crawl to the standard hands-and-knees version. And he can stand up all by himself, which is pretty terrifying.

Every day he seems to learn something new -- he claps, gives high fives, feeds himself, drinks from a sippy cup -- and he knows songs. I can sing one song and he will be sort of disinterested, but if I sing another (She'll be coming 'round the mountain, in particular) his face lights up and he bounces up and down. His brain is evolving daily, and I can practically see it happening.

We are so so lucky.

In which my husband purchases a pregnancy test

More fun and games with (in)fertility over here at Casa Irrational.

I got my period the day B turned 7 months. Then, about 29 days later, I got it again. B is 9 months and a week old, and I'm still waiting. That's a cycle of 40 days, and that's waay longer than normal for me.

I know that it takes a while for cycles to even out post pregnancy (and I called my OB and she reminded me of this fact), but it would be SO nice just to miraculously be pregnant. I know it is not the case and I know it is not even remotely likely, but magical thinking is sometimes very therapeutic, you know?

I told DH over the weekend that my period was late. He sort of panicked. And then proceeded to ask me "is it here yet" every 8 minutes. Or so it seemed. And on Monday he was at the store and picked up some fancy HPTs. Two to a box.

That night, I used one. I know you are supposed to test in the morning, but you couldn't just put the sticks in front of me and expect me not to use them for 12 hours, right? So I did, and it was negative. And I was surprisingly disappointed, because I thought that this would have really very nicely resolved the disagreement over how (if) to go about having a second child that we are having. And everyone would have won.

And then some spotting started last night (just a wee bit), and today there is just a wee bit more. But that isn't usually how I roll on a monthly basis. Once the spotting starts, the full on flow is usually only a few hours behind. So now I am perplexed. And weirdly, foolishly hopeful again. Which seems more cruel than fair, since I've taken the first HPT but I still have neither my period nor a positive result.

I know that if I use the second of the fancy-dancy HPTs tomorrow morning, my period will come on strong by 10-11am or so. Either way, I'd like to just get on with it and move forward.

What does it mean to want?

I'm dipping my toe very gingerly back into the "let's try to get pregnant and have a baby" waters. But I'm taking it slow because, well, I lucked out and I have a baby. And that baby is awesome, and the last thing I want is to be distracted or rotten-with-desire (InBetween came up with that term and I think it's exactly right) instead of paying attention to him.

For those of you long time readers, you might recall that I was going to switch REs after our last FET, seeing that my first 2 cycles didn't work. So I spoke to New RE last month and he suggested that, before we make any plans, I get AMH levels tested to see if I am even still in the game.

So last week I went in to New REs office to get bloodwork done.

It was weird.

It was weird because I kept looking at my watch knowing that I couldn't be late to get home to B since our nanny had to leave at a time certain. It was weird because I could look people in the eye and smile. It was weird because I didn't have that sense of panic and dread weighing heavily in my gut.

Turns out my AMH is fine. It's 1.1. I can't seem to dig out the info about what it was last time it was taken back in 2009, but my lack of comparative data isn't freaking me out. I'm curious, but not obsessed. And mostly, I can't seem to dig it out b/c the file is in B's closet and I forget to look when I get home. Because when I get home I need to hear how his day was, what he did, and see all of his new tricks. (Clapping was the most recent, and it makes both B and I laugh and laugh.) And the clapping and laughing are way more important than my hormone levels from 2009. (OK 4 days later, I did look it up and it was 1.28 in May, 2009. The rate of decline so far is not bad.)

So now I am wondering -- if I don't feel that burning desire, is that trying to tell me something? Or is wanting another child in a less intense way actually normal and natural, and the intense longing only caused by the pain of infertility? Partially I think that I am trying to convince myself that maybe I don't want this because of the disagreement with DH about approach (he is in the "no more IVF" camp, I am not). But the thing is, I think it is ok to want something but not be consumed by desire for it. And even without that crazy all-consuming want, I'm ok with the IVF, because, well, that's kind of what we need to do to have a child. Maybe I've blocked out how horrid it was, and maybe I believe that this time couldn't possibly be as bad because of B.

I feel like, because I don't know how to change my husband's position, that I am trying to convince myself that I don't want something that I do, and I am using as an excuse how I was feeling 24 months ago. But actually, if I am honest, I know that it's a good thing that the wanting isn't as painful and terrifying. And it's a good thing that I can walk into a physicians office and not feel gut-wrenching panic. And that it is ok to want something that might be hard even though you may be alone in the wanting. And once again, I know that not being able to get pregnant without intervention makes everything so. much. harder.