Today is my last day of maternity leave and I am losing it. I keep telling b that I love him and am not abandoning him, but I really just want to hold him tight and not ever leave him. I am pretty sure that this whole working thing is going to be better than I envision it right now, but the anticipation of starting back, and the worry that I will miss something important is driving me to distraction -- it's literally all I can think about and it's making me weepy and pretty agitated.
Luckily, we've been on vacation (you know, from my stressful maternity leave) for the last week, and it was great and a good distraction for me. Benjamin was a champ on both flights, which were long (NYC to CA) and adjusted well to new surroundings. He is now on west coast time, so we need to bring his bedtime back to 730 from where it is now at 11. Of course I'd prefer to keep him a late night baby if I'm going to be working all day, but I know that is a bad idea, and not good for him, and all of those things. But still... The thought has crossed my mind more than once.
While on vacation, the wee one managed to go swimming for the first time, go into the ocean, roll over from front to back twice in one day (so we know it's not a fluke) and find his feet and get them into his mouth... And since we were with grandparents the entire time, others got to share these moments as well.
And I'm sure there will be more moments, but I'm going to miss them all because I will be working.
I'm very lucky to have a great job that I really like with a really flexible workplace and a very generous salary. And the work is stimulating and I have great colleagues and I feel good about the positive things we do (i work for a foundation that gives money to poverty-fighting causes like food pantries and homeless shelters). And we also could really use the income and the benefits, since my DH works for himself presently. But despite all of these positives, right now my job might as well be in the salt mines.
Shit. I'm starting to cry again. I already miss my little boy.
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I really hope the transition back to work is smooth. Although I have a very flexible job so I can't really speak to the fully committed 9 to 6 situation, I find incredibly benefits to being a working mother.
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sorry. It breaks my heart to hear you so sad as I know exactly how you are feeling. I have found that THINKING about leaving Mads is actually a lot harder than actually being away from her. I hope that you find the same thing. GOOD LUCK tomorrow! I will be sending you lots and lots of love and good luck vibes. What kind of child care have you set up for B?
ReplyDeleteDelurking to wish you luck. I've been back for 6 weeks and the anticipation is nauseating but the actual work part was not as bad. It gets better and leaving gets more efficient after the first week!
ReplyDeleteErin
Oh, I'm just hurting for you right now :(. I wish no mamas ever had to leave their babies!
ReplyDeleteHope the transition is easier on you than you are anticipating.
Aaaaarrrg. I'm so glad you love your job, because...it just sounds like complete agony. I've heard what Anonymous says is true--it gets a lot easier quickly. I hope you guys weathered today well, and that coming home to him (or, you know, picking him up at daycare, whatever) will be pure joy!
ReplyDeleteWishing you an easy transition!! I know this has really got to suck. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I know exactly how you feel, I go back on the 18th. Boo hoo. Good luck. I do know from experience it gets easier. Particularly if they are in a good care situation and they like their friends. My 4 year old does really well at her preschool and has tons of fun.
ReplyDeleteWell, I am reading this post late.. so by now you have some sense of how it is all going. i hope it's better than you expected! Thinking of you, and keep us posted...
ReplyDeleteI am chiming in very, very late here (just getting caught up on blog posts today) but I hope that things are going okay. A few weeks have passed since this post and I hope that Benjamin and you are both adjusting - and that you are missing out on none of those firsts. Hugs to you.
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