Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The woman who ate Manhattan

I am officially enormous.

That's the bad news. The good news is that at our 21 week appointment yesterday, all looks exactly as it should, the little one's heart was thumping away at 145 bpm, and it's all wiggly and has a somewhat simian appearance in profile. (Hence our new nickname "Monkey".)

And I am happy beyond happy about that good news. I go back in 3 weeks for a check and then in another 4 for my 28 week appointment where we test for fun stuff like gestational diabetes. And since I can now feel wiggling a fair amount, I have less fear that the Monkey has expired.

My current fear is about me and my pace of weight gain -- it's kind of stressing me out, and while I can rationalize it away in a variety of manners, it is stressful. Here's the story:
- I am nearly 5'9" and my desirable weight is <135. (I've been as low as 120, but not since I was 30.) I have a pretty small frame, and until I was older than 35 used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, but now there is real risk of porking out if I submit to my desires for dessert(s).
- IVF helped me pack on about 10 extra pounds, so my first weigh-in at the OB (8 weeks) had me at 145 (grrrrrr.)
- I just clocked in at...(wait for it)...165. I'm only 50% of the way to full term and already I have put on 20 lbs on top of the 10 I already had. And so I am kind of stressed out that I am going to be giganto-girl during and after this pregnancy.

I know that this is silly, and I can even come up with a good medical reason to have gained so much weight (more below) but I just feel icky about it. I love my round belly and am very happy that there is a healthy Monkey wiggling away, but I will admit to being pretty freaked out about my size, especially my increasingly enormous rear and the fact that I seem to just be spreading wide everywhere. I guess I just wasn't prepared for such tremendous body changes and I appear to be having a harder time adjusting to them.

And I'm worried, too. In Feb, my thyroid levels had gone kind of wonky and I got put onto synthroid to bring my TSH level down from 4, which we all thought was too high. And I've been having it monitored very regularly and it has been below 2 through this entire pregnancy, but last week my TSH was up to 2.5, so I have had to up my medication again. And now I'm worried about all of the issues that hypothyroidism can cause during pregnancy. I know that mine is anything but uncontrolled, and that lack of control is the cause of the problems, but I still worry a bit. And I wonder if whether the low thyroid function is what is causing the weight gain, or whether I am just meant to be round.

Either way, I'm trying to be ok with the weight gain but I'm just not. And I feel both stupid about even caring, and somewhat reasonable, both at the same time. I dunno -- I guess I didn't realize that being pregnant would be this emotionally complicated.


  1. i guess there's never truly a point where we can relax during this process? i have the worst cold right now, and i want to go find the man who coughed all over me on the subway last week, bc i'm SURE he did this to me. i'm frantic with worry that the little one is affected some how and can't sleep as a result :o( ugh, if only i could remember what he looked like, so i can put out a reward for his capture!!

    i'm sure the uppage in dosage of the synthroid will bring that tsh number right down. i'll keep fingers crossed that they will. i'm on it as well and we upped my dosage preemptively when i got my bfp. i have so many worries in my head, that this is one that i can't even add to my list, so i'll remain in ignorant bliss and hope that it's a nonissue for you going forward!

    glad that everything baby-wise is going smoothly!! i can't believe how far along you are already. time is flying, huh?? hang in there and don't worry too much about the weight. i say this having gained 15 pounds myself (10 from the stims alone), so i'm feeling like a fat fart. i guess we're in good company at least? :o) xoxo.

  2. I was 169 lbs (I'm 5'8") at my last appointment, which was right around where you are now. Who knows where I am now... It is a trifle startling. Basically, since I know it's something I'm going to have to deal with seriously in a few months (jogging and dieting), I am just trying to enjoy all the food I want now! I get mixed reports from people-- some lost the weight easily, others not. And it didn't seem to relate to whether or not they breastfed. Hopefully we lose it easily. It does suck when you know that some of it was ttc weight (at least 10 lbs of it for me). And the wide ass phenomenon is truly a marvel of nature!

    I'm so glad everything continues to go well... very exciting! Was that your last u/s?

  3. Where you are in the pregnancy, I mean, ~21 weeks.

  4. I think it's totally reasonable to be freaked out at the massive transformation and to want to know you'll get your old body back at the end of it. Going through IF isn't going to make the weirdness of ballooning out less weird. I like the suggestion of trusting yourself to deal with it later and allowing yourself to be guided by your doctors for now. And congratulations on another successful appointment!

  5. I wonder if the TTC drugs are part of it. I have gained 20 pounds so far too and I'm just at 20 weeks. My Dr mentioned that I might want to be a little more conservative in my calorie in-take, but to be honest I haven't really been going crazy. It was amusing actually, as my Dr. said that we don't need to worry that I'll have trouble putting on weight. Nice way to put it, eh?

    Honestly, from everything I keep hearing from other women 40 pounds is not outrageous. I know a lot of women who have very willingly told me they gained that much and more. These are women who are now beautiful with very healthy proportions (i.e., back to being very thin or regular thin).

    Hang in there and appreciate the butt. We are beautiful venus of willendorf figurines!!!

  6. The weight gain is hard. I've decided that some women don't really gain and others blimp out (like me) This is my second go around and it is the same, I don't feel like I am eating a ton but I am sure storing it. Oh well, It will come off. Good luck!

  7. I would try not to worry too too much about the weight gain beyond eating healthy and being as active as you can be. I'm similar to you - I'm 39, 5'7" and my ideal weight is about 128 though my body seems to prefer around 135, which is ok. Anyway due to IVF I was around 142 when I got pregnant and by 7 months I was 169 and was worried about surely passing 175 or even 180 lbs. But somehow in month 7 I plateaued, even tho I kept getting bigger. And after birth, I dropped all the weight while nit even trying, all the way down to 132! I also have thyroid issues and those can play a HUGE part in weight control, so definitely continue to monitor this thru and after pregnancy.

  8. thanks so much for your comment on my blog strongly recommending that I come out of the closet. I think you just might be right... got to muster up the courage...

  9. I think the hypothyroidism is a legitimate concern, though I know how carefully they tend to check it during pregnancy. Still, though, I'd ask your doc about it.

    Very glad to hear little one is going strong!!