This is it

Today is my last day of maternity leave and I am losing it. I keep telling b that I love him and am not abandoning him, but I really just want to hold him tight and not ever leave him. I am pretty sure that this whole working thing is going to be better than I envision it right now, but the anticipation of starting back, and the worry that I will miss something important is driving me to distraction -- it's literally all I can think about and it's making me weepy and pretty agitated.

Luckily, we've been on vacation (you know, from my stressful maternity leave) for the last week, and it was great and a good distraction for me. Benjamin was a champ on both flights, which were long (NYC to CA) and adjusted well to new surroundings. He is now on west coast time, so we need to bring his bedtime back to 730 from where it is now at 11. Of course I'd prefer to keep him a late night baby if I'm going to be working all day, but I know that is a bad idea, and not good for him, and all of those things. But still... The thought has crossed my mind more than once.

While on vacation, the wee one managed to go swimming for the first time, go into the ocean, roll over from front to back twice in one day (so we know it's not a fluke) and find his feet and get them into his mouth... And since we were with grandparents the entire time, others got to share these moments as well.

And I'm sure there will be more moments, but I'm going to miss them all because I will be working.

I'm very lucky to have a great job that I really like with a really flexible workplace and a very generous salary. And the work is stimulating and I have great colleagues and I feel good about the positive things we do (i work for a foundation that gives money to poverty-fighting causes like food pantries and homeless shelters). And we also could really use the income and the benefits, since my DH works for himself presently. But despite all of these positives, right now my job might as well be in the salt mines.

Shit. I'm starting to cry again. I already miss my little boy.