Happy Holidays, and making a break for it

Happy Holidays!! I hope you all are having wonderful vacations/ holidays/ what all.

That said, I know that this is a purely brutal time of year for many -- the holidays sometimes seemed designed to really just rub salt into already very painful wounds. And New Years is just another reminder of time passing, and the things that we (still) are missing. So that's not all that awesome either. So maybe I'll revise that initial line to read "I hope that the holidays have sucked less than you feared they would, and that they continue to be as painless as possible." Because I do believe in being realistic and sometimes minimizing trauma is the best that you can hope for.

I'm actually at work this week, although it would be a real stretch to consider what I am doing working. Mostly I am just here, occupying space, and trying not to use any vacation days so that I have more paid time off next year. And writing a blog post, which has happened all too infrequently recently.

We don't celebrate Christmas, so it's been a relatively quiet week for me -- just some cooking, hanging out, going to movies and long naps. Oh, and a blizzard that dumped 20 inches of snow on the neighborhood so I had a snow day yesterday, which was awesome. (I love the first snow and yesterday was lovely -- fluffy snow in the park, blue sky and sun. The dog, the Boy and I all played in the snow for about an hour, which was just perfect. I never get tired of watching my dog leaping through the snow and burying his head in the deep drifts. It cracks me up every. single. time.)

On the pregnancy front, not much new to report except that I'm just about 31 weeks pregnant and I'm starting to be b-i-g BIG. Right now, there is some body part lodged under my right side ribs kind of further back than you might think that a gestating fetus would belong. And the movement has been characterized by huge kicks and pushes and swooshy turns that feel, truly, as if something is going to break out through my right side. It's highly entertaining and very cool, but not the most comfortable thing ever. I keep trying to convince it to move, but it is really happy up there. So I'm basically getting resigned to some discomfort.

On the discomfort front, I don't know what I ate wrong the last few days, but my heartburn has been epically bad, even with pepcid. I'll not regale you with my story of woe from the other night (it involved a panicked run to the bathroom to be sick) but I'm really really hoping that things quiet down. Really really hoping. Really.

But I do love LOVE the moving around. Yeah, it sometimes has a bit of an alien invasion feel (and look) to it, but I love it and already know I'm going to miss it. While I like sharing what's going on with the Boy and having him watch/ feel what's going on, I also like the secret part of it: it's just me and the little one, and that closeness is wonderful and magical and will change forever when le bebe enters the world.

As a holiday present to you all (just go with it), I have posted my first (and perhaps only) photo. I'm wearing leggings, so you can truly see how enormous I am in back and in front, but I guess that's how it goes. The body changes are pretty amazing, actually (except today someone asked me if I was having twins, which was not amazing at all and made me feel like a cow. What Evs.). I feel that about a lot of this pregnancy nowadays -- that it is just a series of small miracles that combine into the truly remarkable.

Three

That's the number of the trimester of pregnancy I am now in. Three. There are only three, so I am in the last one. I say this, and yet am still surprised and joyous and grateful, all kind of jumbled together.

Had my 28 week appointment today, and all is good. Well, let me amend that, what they could measure was good. I'm awaiting the results of the glucose test (that orange stuff? blech. It had so much sugar that both le bebe and I were totally jittery) and will have those tomorrow. But le bebe is looking good, head down today (so those ARE feet in my ribs!) and a nice strong 150 bpm heart beat. It is starting to look more baby like, which is amazing.

I still have the same stuff -- heartburn, minor edema, stretching pain, low back pain -- but none of it is worrisome to my OB, just niggling annoyances to me. I also am now sporting a stripe that runs down my entire abdomen.

I guess when I first thought about being pregnant (as opposed to getting pregnant, which I thought about for the previous 2 years) I said "I'll never gain more than 30 lbs" and "Oh those weird skin discolorations -- my body is not going to do that" and "Eeew -- swollen ankles? Never!" And I have all of them. In spades. It's just a really good lesson in why not to be arrogant (Incidentally, you'd think I'd have learned that before, during the whole "I am not getting pregnant and my body is betraying me in ways I never expected it would" phase. Apparently not.). Thankfully, I don't have that sense of anger and betrayal at my own body -- just more like a sense of surprise at how it is changing. Do I love all of the changes? Nope. But do I understand that they are all part of this miraculous process and accept them? Yes. And some I even think are wonderful and beautiful. And I suspect that the changes will continue as le bebe grows and that not all will be that great for me. But they will all be part of this process and I will (I hope) accept them with some amount of grace.

Dealing with things I cannot control has never been my strong suit, and infertility made that so. much. harder. But now, pregnancy and (dare I say it) motherhood are just one thing after another that I can't really control, and so grace and acceptance seem like the best way forward.

It's December and I'm still pregnant

I suppose that it should not be a surprise to me any more, but it is. I'm 27 weeks pregnant today (thank you Baby Center for telling me that le bebe is the weight of a head of cauliflower.) And since I haven't written much about what's going on with me and this pregnancy, here's my not-that-interesting-to-anyone-including-my-husband rundown of what's going on.

I'm officially enormous. There is no more thinking "is she just fat?" -- I am unambiguously pregnant. So much so, people have started offering me seats on the subway, and I have shamelessly started to take them. But despite the enormity, I like the way I look. Yeah, I want my own boobs back, but for right now, it's all kinds of awesome.

The amazing energy level of trimester two? That's starting to fade a bit, and my advanced maternal age is starting to make itself felt. I'm pretty tired most evenings after work, actually, and would love to be in bed at 10pm every night.

The swelling has started. Actually, it started on vacation, but was mitigated by a lot of water. Now even my 96oz per day and elevating my feet doesn't really get rid of it all. So I'm consigned to clogs and a couple of pairs of flat boots, and just looking forward to seeing my ankle bones again in March. Although my compression socks do help and I have to admit to being kind of in love with them. Yes, putting them on requires a tremendous effort and all manner of grunting and groaning, but they rock.

My lower back is starting to hurt. Not a lot, but I'm stiff and its harder and harder to get comfortable. So sleeping through the night is definitely a thing of the past, and I expect it to get worse before it gets better (like in a year). Similarly I am winded easily, and find climbing the 3 flights of stairs to our conference rooms more challenging, and know that this will also be harder. And my reflux has not gone away -- yes, it's better most of the time, but it still pops up at inconvenient times (I completely over-ate at Thanksgiving and then thought I was going to die. Or explode. It's so annoying when you feel bad and you know it's your own damned fault. It was like a hangover -- I had no one to blame but myself!)

While none of this sounds all that awesome, I am good. It turns out Le bebe had the hiccups for the first time today (or, more accurately, I really could tell what they were) and moves around a ton. Sometimes it's pretty insistent moving, but I love it. And so despite the fact that I was awake for 30 minutes at 4am and had an aching hip, I was beyond happy about the kicking and the wiggling. I lay in bed giggling and crying because what I am feeling is magical and wonderful and I am lucky. Yeah, I'd rather do without the swelling, but I'd take a whole lot more discomfort for the 30 minutes of wiggling I got this morning.