Ouch! That still stings!

Turns out that the emotional wounds from being infertile don't just disappear after you have a child. Having B has insulated me from some of the pain for the last many months, and so I almost forgot it was there. Until Friday.

Friday I ended up at the drugstore near my office with a friend of mine from work. She is just married, 31 years old. Husband is 37. So in my world, they are very young (we are 41 and 46). I was buying tampons because on B's 7-month birthday my period came back. And it appears to be back for keeps, since 31 days later it came back again. Coworker was buying ovulation predictor kits. Because they have been trying for 2 months and, according to her, her husband was starting to freak out that she wasn't pregnant yet and was thinking they needed to go see a doctor.

And while I would wish the pain of month after month of failure on no one, and certainly not on her because she is lovely, I was surprised at how much it bothered me that there are people who think that 1-2 months of trying is a lot. And who take it for granted that it will work. And for whom a couple of months of timed sex actually does work. Because it bothered me so much that I still can't stop stewing about it. I kind of wanted to shout "are you f*ing kidding? 2 months at your age? you have no idea what you are talking about! do you think that this is magic and just happens with a snap of your fingers? it is NOT easy."

But, as it turns out, for some people it is easy. And I just happen to resent the hell out of them. Yeah, it's not mature or kind, but I still struggle with the unfairness of it all.

I think this was harder than usual because at casa Irrational we have been discussing whether we should try for a second child. I'm all in and ready to go (we have been lulled into thinking it's a good idea by B being a very easy baby), and would do another ivf cycle next month, but DH doesn't want to do any more intervention. His view is that if it happens it happens, and if not, he is ok with that too. What that means to me is that it most certainly is NOT going to happen, and then my window of opportunity will definitely be closed.* There is more to discuss with us, for sure, but that is where we are now.

So I resent the people who can just be more casual about having kids and actually have the option of no assistance. Being infertile just makes so many things so hard.

*Note: there is much more to say on this, and I know that, for those struggling to have their first child this seems crazy at best and greedy and ungrateful at worst. I love without measure my little boy, and if I never had another child that would be OK. But a second child is still something I'd like and it still stinks to have to work so hard and negotiate so many obstacles to have the option.

My new friend Brenda

Brenda has become my new bff.

Who is Brenda? Brenda is the manager for my company's account at Cigna, our insurance carrier, and she and I are going to get to the bottom of why my infertility coverage is so fucked up.

The whole thing started bad last year when I was first looking into it. When I called to ask about coverage for specific procedures, the clever operator forwarded me a benefits letter that they had sent to a colleague that indicated that retrieval, transfer and other testing were not covered. Which was surprising because the policy stated that I had $30K of infertility coverage. So why the discrepancy? Apparently the colleague who wanted to get pregnant was a gay man interested in using a surrogate. And while personally I think his course of action should have been covered, too, it shouldn't have taken me 30 minutes on the phone to explain why my situation was a tiny bit different.

So I have $30K of coverage, and since we've done 2 IVF and 1 FET with a preferred provider, we've had mercifully little out of pocket so far, but figured our luck, and coverage, was likely running out.

And so here's where the fun begins. When I asked for the balance in April, I was told I had used $28K. And so I asked for an itemized listing of all of the charges that added up to $28K. That took a week. And then it only added up to $25K, and some of the items on there were clearly not IF related (my annual mammogram? my annual physical? my dermatologist to check on a mole?).

The front line rep (Sandy, the very same one who sent me the incorrect memo 12 months ago) basically said that there was nothing that she could do, but that the system couldn't be wrong because, well, it was "the System" and the codes that it pulled were only IF. When I explained to her that there were clearly some issues with what she sent me, she blamed the physicians for coding it incorrectly.

So then I started talking to her boss, Brenda. And Brenda has been awesome, and basically agrees with me that unless they can itemize the charge, it should not count against my maximum, and she has been unbelievably helpful in pulling off charges that are clearly not IF related, and has allowed me to get new bills for things that appear to have been given the wrong diagnosis code.

But there are some charges, such as all of the blood tests I just took on clotting and the full karyotype that is still at the lab, that I was told by both my RE's office and a cigna rep -- I read the rep every single code -- would not count against the max. These tests actually are IF-related, but I might not have done all of them if I knew they would burn through my increasingly scarce resources. So I'm going to the mat with Brenda on these charges, which are about $1K total. And right now, it looks like I am winning.

It's a fuckload of hassle for only a few thousand dollars, but there is principle involved (I can't imagine how many other women have gotten screwed out of some of their benefit) and it is actually enough to cover this FET and perhaps some monitoring next time, so I guess it's worth it.

But I hate having to lay all of these charge out there and talk about it with Brenda. Because even though she is really nice, and very helpful to my cause of getting the numbers right, she is probably thinking "this woman is a crazy person. she's 40 and trying to get pregnant and yet is arguing with me over pennies -- how pathetic." And so that bugs me. I don't want to be judged, or pitied, or to even have my situation known, and yet I need to go through every line item of this pathetic story with her to get to a point where I think it is fair. Yet none of this is fair. I shouldn't have to do this, or know Brenda, or have my medical history laid out for all to see. It's profoundly unfair, and I am getting to the point where I really resent everyone who isn't or hasn't gone through this. I even resent the women who got pregnant on their first IVF, and then seem to have forgotten all about the infertility that led up to it. I'm just bitter and resentful and angry. But I'm not giving up on my search for justice with Brenda. Because someone, somewhere owes me something and there's only so much getting screwed over that I am willing to take.

American Idiot

No, not the Green Day Broadway play. Me. I'm the idiot.

I'm the idiot because I actually, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, thought that I could get miraculously pregnant on our "break month" before we try with IVF again.

When CD28, 29, and 30 rolled around, I actually let hope in. And the bitch fucking took off her shoes, put her feet up and made herself at home. Once again, I googled things like "timing of implantation bleeding" (there was a tiny bit of light pink spotting) and "spotting at time of period." You'd think I had never done this before. What you really would think is that I should just bookmark this stuff on my web browser.

And so, since I am usually a 28-day girl, I went out and I did the unthinkable. I bought pregnancy tests. Expensive ones. Ones without lines but with words that tell you the news. And to no one's surprise but mine, the test said "not pregnant."

The Boy had a pretty good observation (and I promised to give him credit). What the sticks should say is "Yes" or, in our case, "F**k you." I'm not sure how you market those, but I think it's really quite a bit more honest and more appealing for certain segment of the buying public.

And in more great news, immediately after my "f**k you " result, I discovered that we had no hot water and had to suffer through that. Which sucked almost as much. I love camping, but doing the cold shower at home? Not nice at all.

Then I had to spend a day at site visits with my pregnant co-worker and listen to how she was feeling and hear all of the cooing, and discussions of pregnancies, and listen to her whine about how hungry she was.

So overall, a banner day. Oh yeah, and by 3pm my period had officially arrived.

Like I said, I'm an idiot.

Kids day at the office

Apparently today is "bring your adorable 3yo to work day" and I missed the message. There have been (and still are) 4 kids just wandering through today, and frankly I have had enough.

Other exciting work-related fertility quotes from today?
- From the 45yo mother of one of the kids "yeah -- I thought it might be hard for me to get pregnant at 42, but it happened, like, instantly."
- From a woman whose 45yo sister is pregnant with her 4th child "My brother-in-law didn't really want another kid, and thought there was little chance his 44yo wife would actually get pregnant. I guess she just really really wanted this baby."
- From the father of one of the kids here today (in response) "My wife was 38 with our first and 40 with our second -- I just needed to look at her and she got pregnant. You hear about these people trying and trying -- I just can't relate at all."

I'm swollen and bruised from the shots, and I hate that it is not just as easy for me.
But still.
I am swollen because this is working. and it will work. and one day it will be me with the kid in the office. But I will be sensitive and not parade them through, because there may be someone here whose heart is breaking because it is not so easy for them either.

I am breathing deeply so as to retain that sense of calm and peace from yesterday. It's mostly working but I wish the kids would go away.

Un-birthday cake

So I haven't been blogging all that much recently, and I think that's generally ok, because frankly there just isn't a whole hell of a lot going on with me, infertility wise.

Today was my lastest bcp and so now I'm waiting for the cycle to start again so that I can begin injectables.... I'm relatively sanguine about this whole thing, because this time we are not going to do a single embryo transfer, and since I've rationalized in my head that was the cause of the failure of my first IVF and FET, well -- this one clearly is going to work. Note to all of you paying attention: 1+1=2. So even if I had put those same two embryos back in at the same time, it's pretty damned likely that it would not have worked that way either. But I'm irrational about this and need to believe that this cycle is just the magic one.

Plus, I can't possibly reach 40 and not be pregnant, right? Please? Seriously, whoever out there is listening, I'm turning 40 at the beginning of May and I'm really worried that I am going to become totally unhinged as the day approaches if this cycle doesn't work.

I mean, I'm already 3/4 of the way to crazy most days -- if this goes bad and I turn 40 all at the same time? I suspect I'll need a padded room.

To ensure that I am fat (as well as crazy and still barren) on my 40th birthday, I have hidden away in my bag a piece of cake that I acquired on the way home from, well, from the gym actually. I'm kind of debating waiting on eating it until tomorrow, but what I'm really thinking is that a piece of cake and a glass of milk would be a perfect accompaniment to the Daily Show in 10 minutes. So cake it is. If only I could eat my way to a positive pregnancy test.

Welcome mat

Hi there!

I am rolling out the welcome mat for ICLW, so here's a little bit of a summary of who I am and what's going on:

me: 39.5 years old (and that 0.5 is starting to make me anxious), NYC-living who has been TTC unsuccessfully since Sep 2008 with 45-yo lovely husband. Both of us check out 99.5% fine (ok, maybe some of the sperm are a little funny looking, but not a huge deal) so the fact that we can't make this work is super frustrating.

our IF history:

- try naturally for a while. No dice.

- try with clomid for several months. Nope.

- try again naturally for a bit after I get a full blood workup, and before we steel ourselves to begin IVF. Still nothing.

- do first IVF cycle in Nov-Dec 2009. Start with agonist (lup.ron) protocol, but get functional cyst, so stop cycle and wait. Then begin antagonist (ganir.elix) protocol. Retrieve 18 eggs, fertilize 17, and end up with 3 pretty good looking day-5 blastocysts. Transfer 1 and freeze 2. You guessed it: nada. Happy new year to us!

- wait for day 21 and begin lup,ron again for FET cycle, with transfer date of mid-Feb. (wrote most of this while waiting for u/s to ensure no new cyst. All clear!)

So there you have it. Just two older folks trying to breed... nothing much interesting going on.

Welcome!

Infertile

There. I wrote it out as a full word. And now I am going to use it in a sentence: I am infertile. I think I've been kind of kidding myself that this really had nothing to do with me, and that I was just the victim of statistics, but I don't think that's really reasonable any more. And also, because twice so far this week I have felt like screaming "I know it would be great to have kids, but I'm fucking infertile."

Since Sunday, two very nice men, one an old friend from college who I hadn't seen in years, and one my dentist who happens to be my age and the brother of a former work colleague (so we are friendlier than one normally is with one's dentist), have told me how much they enjoy parenthood in the city, and how great it really is, and how I should really consider having kids, since it's really just super fabulous and the best thing they have ever done. Sigh.

But what really got me is that my old college friend brought his 3 year old daughter with him to our coffee date Sunday, and she was adorable, and he told me that "I was a natural" with her, and the waitress told me I had an adorable little girl.

And this little girl had this habit of putting her hand on my cheek to get my attention whenever it was not on her, and that warm, soft little hand on my face was one of the most wonderful things ever, and I don't even know this girl. In fact, just recalling it makes me cry, because I want that so badly.

So I'm going to wipe my eyes and blow my nose and go shoot up another night of lup.ron. Because while I may be a natural with kids, I'm certainly no natural in getting pregnant.

Back

We are back. We had a ton of fun, so that was good.

But now? It unbearably cold here, and it's a bit of a shock since it was 70 and sunny Sunday in Laguna Beach.

I'm not feeling very much like writing much, but am pleased to see that loads of people are doing well and moving forward with transfers, BFPs, etc -- all very exciting!

Me, though? I'm waiting 11 days to start lu.pron and trying to get back on the workout/ eat right bandwangon. But I'm feeling sort of blah about things, so don't have that much to share.

That pretty much how I feel about nearly everything. Just blah.

Moving forward (not so much)

I've titled this post moving forward, but I'm not entirely sure that it's true.

Much though I try to not feel horrible about not succeeding on our very first IVF try (and a very conservative transfer of only 1 5day embryo), I do. I feel horrible, and I am not doing a very good job snapping out of it.

I guess I just thought that, statistics to the contrary, that all of the hard work of the shots and acupuncture, and changing my eating habits, etc, etc. would work. Because they HAD to work. Because I really really wanted it to work and am a nice person and would make a pretty decent parent.

But it didn't, and I am just miserably unhappy about it.

I've been trying to do things that make me feel better, but instead I am just lying about wallowing. And eating cake. While baking the cake was fun and therapeutic, eating the cake is making me feel like a cow, despite the fact that I have gone back to the gym twice since Thursday (and I swear I am going today, just not until I eat another piece of cake.)

And tonight we have a birthday dinner for a friend from college and I've just been told that she is likely to announce her pregnancy to the whole group (she's about to hit 12 weeks). I'm really happy for her, but now just sadder for me. And I'm not sure whether I feel happier or sadder that she got pregnant naturally, after having conceived her first child through IVF and then recently failing an IVF cycle with frozen embryos and having none left on ice to work with. Because while I do think it's amazing and wonderful for her, I'm not sure why a little of that luck can't come my way. Why can't I catch that break?

At least today I spoke to the RE and got the green light to move ahead on the FET... today is day 2 and on day 21 I will start Lu.pron (fun!) for a transfer in Feb. But February? That is eons away. I can't believe how long everything takes. Infuckingfuriating.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that I had a ridiculous fight with the Boy that I basically started because I was unhappy about the recent pregnancy news? So just when I need him to hug/ talk me back into feeling ok, he's out running errands and cooling down? Fuck. This sucks. I wish I could just be happy for people instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time. (I know -- I can do that, but right now it's just hard.)

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Collateral damage

One of the things that I hate about this whole damned process is how it has screwed with our otherwise normal sex life. Here's what I think may have driven the train off the track:

- Month upon month of scheduled mandatory sex. Not only is it not awesome to have to do it on demand, but my work schedule made it really rough. Because I used to travel about 70% of the time, for us this has involved us shelling out and taking last minute flights or train trips, leaving the office and then running back, waking up really early to wedge in a "session" before a 7am call, and once a conference call put on mute because we were literally not going to have any time before I left on an unexpected week-long trip. Honestly, there's nothing sexier than hearing your co-workers talking about financial reports while you are trying to get it on. Try it -- it's awesome.

- Oversharing about what is going on in my nether regions. Ovulation cramping, the need for "first morning pee" for the OPKs, the regularity of my periods, and -- and this one was clearly a strategic error on my part -- discussions of cervical mucus changes. This was way waaay more than he wanted to know.

- Emotional meltdowns at, well, at almost anything. This includes the arrival of my period, the announcement of friends' pregnancies, births, childrens' photos, the pregnant woman in front of me in line at the grocery store, a scene in a movie, children in a playground. Turns out that (a) being somewhat OCD about TTC and (b) being a snotty, blotchy mess isn't that attractive. And while he is good at consoling, and really sweet, that whole thing from the movies where the handsome actor kisses the weepy starlet's tears away as a prelude to a steamy sexual encounter? Yeah, that's not so much us.

- Dates with a cup. He hates it, and I can't really blame him for not being super amorous afterwards. And mediocre results didn't really help him feel better about things.

- Irrational rages, often directed at the Boy. I know I know that it isn't his fault that the lup.ron made me a complete wingnut, but he definitely took the brunt of it. And he's taken the brunt of a lot of other rages at the unfairness of the entire thing. Lessons learned: picking a fight is not the best foreplay. And makeup sex might work for other people, but we are more likely to need a makeup nap since arguing is so damned draining.

- The lurking sense of failure. Our sex didn't work, it wasn't productive, and we couldn't create a child "the normal way." It's not always there, but sometimes I just can't help thinking it.

I just want sex to be fun again. And not on a schedule. And just about us and closeness and not about breeding. I just want things to be normal.

Goddamn NYT

Quick rant on this: why does everyone who knows that we are having trouble TTC feel that its their business to send us the NYT articles about multiples and IVF and IUI?
(Yep, for those of you who missed it, Monday's paper had a followup. Spec-fucking-tacular)
What are they thinking? All of a sudden they are experts with opinions to share? I live in NYC- I get the damned paper, people. (incidentally, I usually heart the NYT, so this is tough for me to be so angry at them.)

Seriously, what are people thinking? And please don't even get me started on the vitriolic comments to the article on Sunday. Gargh!

Forward progress

Since I am just waiting for this cycle to start (thank you, RE, for your poorly timed lab closure last month), I have come up with 3 things on my IVF to do list:

- Call RE and get them to call in the order for meds for IVF v.1: check.

- Call scary evil health insurance company and confirm coverage and check on copays (the idea here being that they had already told me I was covered, but now that I know the specific meds, I'd rather not be surprised with a large bill): check, but it took literally 1.5 hours on the phone to get this sorted. Because I was not really pleased with their response "oh -- these drugs? we can't send these drugs to you... they are only covered if you have them sent to your MD and have them administer the injections. "
Ummm.... what? That's a new one. Sorry, but that's not the right answer today.
And so I basically held two people hostage on the phone until it was sorted. Boy referred to my approach as pleasant, but firm. Read: I can be a tremendous pain in the ass.

- Send the Boy for a test run at the Sperminator: check. All other samples he's been permitted to generate at home and then take the 10 min cab ride to drop off, but the RE really prefers in-office. This test run is basically to confirm that he can do this, so that I am not left high and dry on ER day. He just walked back into the apartment and (phew) he was able to get the job done. Although he came home less triumphant than I expected, and slightly more freaked out. He's really quite the sensitive little bunny, my Boy, and I think it just wasn't the warm, fuzzy experience he prefers. He kept muttering about bright fluorescent lights killing his mood.

So now I just keep looking at the calendar and waiting for day 21 to show up. I mean, I know when it is, but since we already got delayed a month, I am really impatient. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Not as much action as I would like, so I'm just trying to keep busy. I could do other useful things like look for a job, but that's less interesting. I mean, I will, but just not now.

Insensitivity training -- advice requested.

There are only a couple of friends with whom I have shared that we are having a tough time getting pregnant.  One of them, who I have mentioned before, was all kinds of freaked out about getting pregnant with her second child, and was running around showing other women her FSH and LH and E2 numbers. (Frankly, they weren't that bad, and she got pregnant again from her first IUI.)

So this same friend (due in January) sends out this email last evening to me and two other women:
"I had a terrible dream. We were all back in B-school, and all of you sat together at some class dinner, but decided I should sit somewhere else. And then the people at my table got up and left, so I had to sit alone the whole night.  How weird is that? Think I'm having antepartum nightmares induced by fears of further mommy isolation..."

Seriously?  You just sent me that?  We talked about how I am having trouble getting pregnant in May, in August, you know I'm still not pregnant and you send me that?  Jeesh.

But since I am willing to take criticism, am I being oversensitive?  I don't want to be all bitchy and difficult, but this bugged the bejesus out of me.  Input welcome.

People get ready

I'm back from the homeland and trying to focus on things other than my mom's cancer and my inability to get pregnant.

What I should be doing today is getting the job search started so that we don't lose our health insurance.

What I am actually doing today is getting this IVF cycle up and running, so that I feel as if we are making forward progress. Here's the list:

- Spoke to clinic nurses to check on whether all pre-cycle tests are done. Apparently DH needs to get yet another SA since the motility and morphology numbers have been all over the map. We agreed to deep freeze some of his stuff as well -- he's had some trouble getting it done in the RE's office, and I will not be left sperm-less after the whole month-long cycle of shots. That would prompt an unpleasant incident I'd prefer to avoid.

- Spoke to insurance for the umpteenth millionth time to sort out who provides the drugs. THis has been unbelievably hard and complicated, and I suspect that it will continue to be a source of agita.

- Went to acupuncturist. She keeps telling me that I need to relax to ensure that the energy is flowing. I like her, she knows her stuff, and I always feel better once I am done. However, "just relax" has the (expected) result of stressing me out even more... Grrrr

- Went to grocery store. Yeah, I know this isn't directly related to TTC, but both the Boy and I are trying to lose a couple of pounds , and it's definitely healthier than take-out or eating out, and I think that it will be harder once on the drugs. (OK, full disclosure: I am trying to lose 15 lbs, since I am relegated to wearing the Boy's pants at this point.) But nothing takes my mind off of all that troubles me like planning and cooking meals, so it makes sense to put it on the list.

I feel much better about doing something, vs doing nothing -- it's just the waiting that makes me a little bit nutty. I'm just kinda anxious to get the show on the road.

Crap

Crap. Crap. Crap.

Spotting started. I'm 14dpo, and I was foolishly hopeful that this extra cycle au natural that we did before starting IVF would be "the one."

It's not. My period is coming, and I know it. My Boy, who likes everything to be quantified, asked me how sure I was. Even he didn't look happy when I told him 98.5% (There's that damned hope again, using up the other 1.5%.)

So here's some more quantification:

- How many months have our 39 and 45 yo newlyweds been trying to get pregnant?: 12

- How many of those months were total losses because my (now former) job had me either at the office for 24 hours a day or across the Atlantic?: 3 (hence "former")

- How many months did we try with clo.mid: 5

- How many of those clo.mid months were in the aforementioned total loss category: 2

- How many times did I try to convince the Boy to start IVF, only to have him ask for "one more try?": 3

- How many times did I have my thyroid tested to ensure I wasn't on the wrong side of the hypothyroidism cut-off?: 4

- How many months did I have spotting and obsessively research implantation bleeding during the 12 hours before my period started?: 3 (Yeah -- that one is embarrassing -- It's like I am too stupid to actually get it. Someone really just needs to say "You over there with the pleading look in your eyes, you ARE NOT pregnant. Again. Now step away from the internet and go buy another box of tampons.")

- How many months did we try to start an IVF cycle, only to find out that the RE's lab would be closed for 3 weeks during the time I kinda sorta needed it open?: 1

- How likely is it that this month, my upcoming IVF cycle will require ET during the week I am out of town for Thanksgiving?: 100% (OK -- this one is probably more like 95%, but I am in a pissy mood)

Crap. Crap. Crap.

New to the blogging thing

I'm new. To blogging, to be specific. So it's not entirely clear to me what I am supposed to do, but since I have been obsessively reading blogs for the last few months, I guess I can make this up as I go along.

Unfortunately, what I am not new to is trying to get pregnant. That's the part that is neither simple nor easy, and that's really what has drawn me to this whole blogging thing -- I need to get some stuff off of my chest, and this seems like the best way of doing it.

I'm not entirely sure what I hope to gain from doing this -- maybe to feel a little bit more a part of a community as opposed to alone, stranded on this bloody barren island. I've found that this whole TTC/ IF thing is the most lonely I have ever been, in part because I can't really figure out to whom to talk to about this.

Here's what's going on and why I am looking to the internet:

I'm 39. 39.5, actually, for those of you counting. And (Remember when you were little and were so excited about being 5 and a half? 6 and 3 quarters? I'm not that excited about the extra half now. Funny how that changes.) I have no kids, and have never even seen that elusive second line on the HPT. Sometimes I have tried 3-4 HPTs, but never seen that little line.

Since I take a long time to do anything, I just got married about a year ago -- even though we met almost 5 years ago, it never occurred to the Boy and I to hurry things along because this getting pregnant thing would be hard.

Getting married and planning the wedding was super fun, and so once that was done, we started our next project -- getting pregnant and planning for our family. Turns out that planning a wedding was easier. We've been TTC for 9 months, done 3 clomid cycles, and are going to jump into IVF later this month once the cycle starts again.

I know 8 months might not seem like that long, but it's pretty much eternity at my age, and our RE is worried that my fertility will fall off of a cliff in the near term, so onward we march through the wilds of ART.

I think that I would probably not have turned to this whole blogging thingy if I was busier -- right now, as mentioned above, I'm not really working -- made a choice to leave my job earlier this year, and am now kinda just hanging around.

Similarly, husband is not working. So we are both hanging out in our not-exactly-super-spacious NYC apartment. So yeah, I need something to do to keep me from going batty, and preferably something that doesn't cost money!

Other complications in our lives:
The Boy's father had lymphoma, but it's been in remission for over 2 years. Now it's back and chemo has started again. It's not a good thing, and causes a fair amount of stress.
My mom had breast cancer 16 years ago. It's back, too. Surgery is next week, so I am heading home to help out.
So we have two parents with cancer at the same time. It's beyond absurd.

So as a run down:
- both my husband and I are unemployed
- we each have a parent recently diagnosed with cancer
- try as we might, we are about to start IVF since I can't seem to get pregnant.

Seriously, it's no wonder I am looking for an outlet for all of this. Welcome to my blog!