This is it

Today is my last day of maternity leave and I am losing it. I keep telling b that I love him and am not abandoning him, but I really just want to hold him tight and not ever leave him. I am pretty sure that this whole working thing is going to be better than I envision it right now, but the anticipation of starting back, and the worry that I will miss something important is driving me to distraction -- it's literally all I can think about and it's making me weepy and pretty agitated.

Luckily, we've been on vacation (you know, from my stressful maternity leave) for the last week, and it was great and a good distraction for me. Benjamin was a champ on both flights, which were long (NYC to CA) and adjusted well to new surroundings. He is now on west coast time, so we need to bring his bedtime back to 730 from where it is now at 11. Of course I'd prefer to keep him a late night baby if I'm going to be working all day, but I know that is a bad idea, and not good for him, and all of those things. But still... The thought has crossed my mind more than once.

While on vacation, the wee one managed to go swimming for the first time, go into the ocean, roll over from front to back twice in one day (so we know it's not a fluke) and find his feet and get them into his mouth... And since we were with grandparents the entire time, others got to share these moments as well.

And I'm sure there will be more moments, but I'm going to miss them all because I will be working.

I'm very lucky to have a great job that I really like with a really flexible workplace and a very generous salary. And the work is stimulating and I have great colleagues and I feel good about the positive things we do (i work for a foundation that gives money to poverty-fighting causes like food pantries and homeless shelters). And we also could really use the income and the benefits, since my DH works for himself presently. But despite all of these positives, right now my job might as well be in the salt mines.

Shit. I'm starting to cry again. I already miss my little boy.

I'm still here

And all is well. I've just been crazy busy at work since we got back from vacation and in the evenings either I am falling asleep at 8.30pm or the Boy has commandeered the computer to watch NHL games that aren't on TV (yeah, our lives are exciting like that). I'm reading on my bberry, though, but I just can't figure out how to comment.

So what's going on here? Vacation was fabulous. We ate truly spectacular food, did tons of walking around each city, and had some great travel adventures. Everything really worked out perfectly.

Funny thing? It appears that I now look pregnant. A couple of little old Italian ladies were really sweet -- one wouldn't let me go through the metal detector at a museum because "it wasn't good for the baby" (this communicated in Italian and sign language).

A couple of takeaways: Rome is not a stroller friendly city. Very narrow sidewalks, cobblestone streets, and kind of crazy traffic. Paris -- much more stroller friendly, and loads of French people wheeling their kids around. Other takeaway? We actually noticed. And noticing people with small children and not being hurt or angry about it was, well, kind of wonderful.

I think it's because I can feel the little wiggler moving pretty much all of the time (except for an inordinately long time yesterday, which completely freaked me out, but that's another story) that I actually have some amount of confidence that we will have a real live baby early next year. So much confidence that tomorrow I am -- wait for it -- going to order a crib and dresser and glider. And I agreed to a shower and I've started allowing people to give me seats on the subway. I'm pregnant for what may be the only time after nearly 18 months of trying, and I'm starting to enjoy the hell out of it.

I'm off!

I realized that I haven't been posting and commenting very much recently. I've been totally crazy busy at work because, well, I'm taking the next 10 days OFF!

Yep -- I leave tomorrow for vacation!

We've had this planned for a while, but it just kind of crept up on me because I have been so dang busy.

But tomorrow we leave for Rome (5 days) and Paris (3 days). And I am super beyond excited and we have loads and loads of fun meals and activities planned. (Except I don't get to drink the wine or eat the soft cheese. But I'm not focusing on that.)

So I'll be gone for a bit but look forward to checking in upon my return. May this week be full of nothing but good news for everyone.

I heart socialized medicine - Updated

Sorry for the long absence and delay in posting -- I've been navigating the Canadian health care system, and it hasn't been all that easy.

Although I tested yesterday, results from the lab were not available until this morning. So I walked into the walk-in clinic this morning, before the nurse could look up to say hello, I saw the printout with my name on it.

My beta as of 13dp5dt is... 1326!

Holy shit!

I appear to still be pregnant, and am thankful, relieved, and still in a state of complete disbelief that this appears (for the moment at least) to have actually worked. Maybe it's because for month after month there was just so much defeat and disappointment I am having trouble actually accepting that this is working, but it seems completely theoretical and like it's happening to someone else.

I spoke to my RE's office and the plan is to get an u/s in 1-2 weeks. I'm presently scheduled for next Tuesday, but think I am going to swap to the following week so that we can see my RE. It just seems like such a long time to get no news, after a process where I am monitored every 24-48 hours. 7-14 days? Are they kidding? But I'd rather see my RE, so I think we will hold out. But I'm not sure I can wait. I'll sleep on it before I make a decision to switch (yeah, I know, it's a lot of thinking for a relatively small decision).

So now we are on the far west coast of Vancouver Island with slightly easier internet access than we have had for the last 3 days in Vancouver, so I will try to catch up with reading.

Thank you to all for your wonderful support and comments.

Updated with symptoms, per request :-)

I have very few. Seriously, this is all a great mystery to me, as my boobs hurt more after the trigger shots than they do now.
I do have persistent unslakable thirst (and the corresponding repeated trips to the bathroom from trying to quench it). Otherwise, I got nothin'. (There is some crampiness that feels like ovulation cramping but in the center, but since I only feel it on the days I get the beta numbers, we are convinced it is completely psychosomatic.)

Back

We are back. We had a ton of fun, so that was good.

But now? It unbearably cold here, and it's a bit of a shock since it was 70 and sunny Sunday in Laguna Beach.

I'm not feeling very much like writing much, but am pleased to see that loads of people are doing well and moving forward with transfers, BFPs, etc -- all very exciting!

Me, though? I'm waiting 11 days to start lu.pron and trying to get back on the workout/ eat right bandwangon. But I'm feeling sort of blah about things, so don't have that much to share.

That pretty much how I feel about nearly everything. Just blah.