I'm trying. I'm really really trying

Back to "no really, this could work" today. At least I'm trying to be back there.

Here's really where things are:
- my boobs are sore. So sore that I am tempted to throw a protective arm across them every time I walk, but I think people might look at me funny. Tomorrow I am wearing a sports bra.
- I've been crampy and bloated for the last 3 days. I feel like a macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon and wish there was some way to get the bloat out out out.
- Cramps the first 2 days were kind of sharp and now its more of a low dull ache.
- Thirsty all the time. Followed by having to pee all the time because of the oceans of water I am drinking.
- Moody. But what's new there?

But since all of these symptoms could be attributed to the progesterone I am shoving up into my nether regions, I've really got nothing to go on.

I went to acupuncture yesterday and she said that my pulses were strong and good and that in all of her evaluation of me there is really nothing that leaps out as a potential problem, nor does she think that I need to be taking any herbal supplements or anything -- overall she sees everything good. And the acupuncture helps me relax, so that's great. And it's a block from my office. Yay for things being easy for a change!

But the waiting? This waiting is driving me completely, no-kidding, absolutely crazy. I'm trying to breathe deeply, think positive thoughts and relax, but it. is. hard.

Breathe in, breathe out

My new acupuncturist told me to do deep breathing exercises every day for 5-10 minutes. And so I tried it last night, just focusing on breathing. I do this with yoga, but I'm also moving around (I'm a vinyasa/ ashtanga yoga person), but just sitting, focusing on nothing but deep breathing is hard. She suggests that it will help improve my somewhat sluggish circulation and get my energy flowing again, so I'm willing to try it. Plus, relaxing can't ever be bad, right?

I think that I will be a bit more able to breathe deeply today because my monitoring appointment was just so. much. better. Not only did I get the really nice RE who always gives me a pep talk, has rational explanations for things, and is willing to say "I don't know" instead of making up some half-assed answer, but I now have 9 (NINE) follicles of at least 10mm (largest is 14mm) and some smaller ones showing up as well.

(Take THAT you mean nasty RE who told me my ovarian reserve was empty and that I might considering cancelling this cycle.)

My husband attributes the good appointment to the fact that I made him come with me at 7.15 this morning. Retrospectively, it was really kind of ridiculous, but I needed a security blanket and a shoulder to weep on if the follicle count still was very low. So he hung out in the waiting room for me and was there to give me a hug as I got on the subway. It seems like a small thing, but it was great, and made me feel like it was all going to be ok, regardless of what happened with the ultrasound. It's weird -- I'm usually not this fragile, but I think this is harder on me than I sometimes admit. And I love my husband for not telling me I'm being silly, but for just getting up and coming with me for no other reason than to hold my hand.

And since I have a bit more perspective (read: I'm not freaking out about hearing the death knell of my fertility) than I did Monday, here's what I know:
- I know that I am lucky that all my numbers are still good and I am still responding so well to the drugs, considering I am almost 40
- I know that I am lucky that there is nothing obviously wrong that needs to be addressed
- I know that I am lucky that I have insurance that covers absolutely everything, including acupuncture
- I know that I am lucky that I live within a stone's throw of some of the best REs in the country
- And in the big picture, lest I forget, I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband who will pick me up and dust me off when I am knocked down, I am lucky to have a family that loves and supports me, I am lucky that we are all healthy, well-educated, and have a lot more resources than many others.

So today I am going to feel relieved, happy, and grateful. Grateful that my life is, on balance, really good, and grateful that doing this ivf cycle is as easy as it is. And to ensure that I hold onto the sense of balance and peace that I am feeling right this very minute, I'm going to try to breathe.

Porcupine

I went back to acupuncture today for the first time since right after the transfer of Dec. While I was really really really looking forward to the relaxation, I have to admit I was kind of dreading telling them that the cycle didn't work, and that I was starting on a FET cycle later this week.

For some reason, I just felt embarrassed it didn't work, as if it was something I didn't do right. Now, I know that's kinda crazy, and that I really am doing all that I can, but, well, there it was anyway. I guess part of the way I am dealing with it not working is by creating a logic by which it was significantly more likely NOT to work. Like "no, it's not that I'm old and have old eggs, but just that we only transferred one blastocyst, so we knew it might not work this first time. It has nothing to do with my inability to make a decent egg or provide a hospitable environment for the embryo to grow. Really, we were just doing a test run."

Which is of course only partially true -- there was nothing "test" about it, and I really did believe and hope like hell that it would work. But I feel better if I spin it to myself as if it were destined not to have worked.

But they were lovely about it, and said nice supportive things, and then we got on with it. She got to work on my lower back, which has been KILLING me, and has been "blocking energy to my abdomen" or some such thing. All I know is that a few of the needles in my but/ hips were really quite, well, something. It was clear that they were hitting some sort of sensitive spots. And yet even with all of the initial discomfort, and feeling like I had a porcupine sitting on my rear, I fell sound asleep, which was awesome. And I feel better. It's a marginal improvement, but I'll take it.

To top off an overall good afternoon, I wandered across the street to grab a decaf at the star.bucks. And guess what? They still had eggnog lattes on the menu! I seriously have asked at every single 'bucks in NYC, and there it was, right across from the acupuncturist! So even though it's a small triumph, I am still (6 hours later) quite happy about it.

So more loosening of the back/ abdomen on Thursday, in anticipation for the commencement of the FET... going in for initial monitoring on Saturday, and hoping to start lu.pron (did I just say that? That shit made me *crazy*) that night!

It's been a long few weeks of waiting since the negative right before Christmas. Honestly, I'm just beyond excited to get started again.

Ready, set...

Well, here we are at Day 1 of IVF cycle 1.1. I've got the box o' meds, I've been to the RE's for initial blood work and what my husband refers to as the vagi-cam. All systems are go.

I have a ridiculous amount of hope riding on this cycle. All of my numbers seem good, my thyroid is under control, the IVF/ ICSI can manage the mediocre SA, and all of the REs that I have spoken to (4 -- I did some shopping around for clinics/ REs) are optimistic that this should work for us. My husband keeps reminding me that even under perfect circumstances, even if I wasn't careening into 40, someone has to be on the wrong side of the statistics. And so while intellectually I know this (for chrissakes, I'm a trained economist -- I understand statistics), I can't get past thinking this will work. This has to work.

Famous last words. Don't remind me of these in December.

People get ready

I'm back from the homeland and trying to focus on things other than my mom's cancer and my inability to get pregnant.

What I should be doing today is getting the job search started so that we don't lose our health insurance.

What I am actually doing today is getting this IVF cycle up and running, so that I feel as if we are making forward progress. Here's the list:

- Spoke to clinic nurses to check on whether all pre-cycle tests are done. Apparently DH needs to get yet another SA since the motility and morphology numbers have been all over the map. We agreed to deep freeze some of his stuff as well -- he's had some trouble getting it done in the RE's office, and I will not be left sperm-less after the whole month-long cycle of shots. That would prompt an unpleasant incident I'd prefer to avoid.

- Spoke to insurance for the umpteenth millionth time to sort out who provides the drugs. THis has been unbelievably hard and complicated, and I suspect that it will continue to be a source of agita.

- Went to acupuncturist. She keeps telling me that I need to relax to ensure that the energy is flowing. I like her, she knows her stuff, and I always feel better once I am done. However, "just relax" has the (expected) result of stressing me out even more... Grrrr

- Went to grocery store. Yeah, I know this isn't directly related to TTC, but both the Boy and I are trying to lose a couple of pounds , and it's definitely healthier than take-out or eating out, and I think that it will be harder once on the drugs. (OK, full disclosure: I am trying to lose 15 lbs, since I am relegated to wearing the Boy's pants at this point.) But nothing takes my mind off of all that troubles me like planning and cooking meals, so it makes sense to put it on the list.

I feel much better about doing something, vs doing nothing -- it's just the waiting that makes me a little bit nutty. I'm just kinda anxious to get the show on the road.

Cha cha cha

I started going to an acupuncturist last week. As a little context, she's been highly recommended on a bunch of the NYC infertility boards, so I didn't just pick her out of the phonebook or anything.

I went for a couple of reasons -- (a) anything that will make this upcoming IVF cycle a success seems like a great investment of time and resources and (b) I have really really tight muscles in my lower back that are resistant to stretching and massage, so I'm not super comfortable and would like to sort this out asap.

(Note that when I say that they are not super responsive to stretching, I mean that since I started my new physical fitness regimen 2 weeks ago, they haven't magically improved. Not sure why -- I mean, shouldn't just walking into the gym fix everything?)

So yesterday I was on the table having needles placed on my legs, hips and behind (yeah -- it's about as sexy as it sounds -- once again the indignities of this process astound me) and the acupuncturist asked me "do you dance?" Now, she has a kind of thick Chinese accent, so I wasn't exactly sure what she said, so I just grunted "ummm..." in response, since I was also pretty focused on those aforementioned needles going into my rear.

This part, though, I was sure I heard..."Well then, you should do the cha cha every evening. It helps with circulation to your hips and your entire pelvic region and will make it better for the baby."

What?!?

The cha cha? That's the solution to all of my problems? Damn, I'll sign up for Dancing with the Stars or some other such bullshit if that's what I need to do to get pregnant.

I can only imagine the conversation with the Boy: "So, umm, sweetie... you know all those samples you gave for SA? Well, it turns out that we didn't really need those, and we didn't need the 10 pints of blood I gave for genetic and endocrinological testing. Nor did the entire free world need to peer between my legs. But enough of what we don't need. Here's what I need from you now. I need you to dance. Yes -- that's right -- dance. Specifically, the cha cha cha. No -- it can't be the foxtrot or salsa -- it has to be the cha cha cha. Well, umm, my acupuncturist said that's the best thing, and she has all kinds of pictures of new babies on her office wall, so I think she knows what she is talking about. Yeah, I know the videos and lessons will cost a bit, but, well, it's a lot cheaper than IVF, right? See, I knew that logic would be compelling. OK -- cool. Thanks."

Yeah -- I see it going just like that.