My subconscious is out to get me

I'm clearly very very stressed out about this upcoming beta on Wednesday. Here's why:
a) many of my "symptoms" (e.g., sore boobs, uterine cramping, thirst) have disappeared and so I no longer believe I am pregnant. And frankly, I wasn't even convinced before, but I was willing to pretend. Now I just want to get the damn test over with.
b) I turn 40 in less than a month and I am going to lie in bed for days and cry if I am not pregnant. It is no shit stressing me out.
c) I have been an emotional basket case all weekend, and frankly kind of bitchy.
d) I did another AMH test recently (spurred on by the monitoring appointment from hell) and, whereas my test from a year ago was 1.3, I'm now down to 0.7. So I'm really running out of time and eggs.

So my subconscious is apparently also stressed out, as I had dreams this morning about a variety of ways that I might meet my demise in the next several days. I have to say, I was remarkably creative in the ways I envisioned expiring, but it was stressful all the same. The only one that has a real likelihood of occurring is being run over by a subway (and even that is not all that likely, based on the stats of how many people ride the subway every day and how rarely that happens by accident). But I woke up 2 hours before my alarm covered in sweat and then couldn't fall back asleep, because these dreams were so vivid that I could dwell on them even when awake. So it sucked. And I am tired. And I hate that I spend huge chunks of my life trying to do something that should be easy and that billions of people manage to do every year.

So to summarize, I was terrorized in my sleep by my brain that is predicting doom and disaster, I am turning 40 very soon, I am running low on eggs, and even my hypothetical symptoms of pregnancy have disappeared. Oh yeah, and it's Monday. Woo hoo!

I'm trying. I'm really really trying

Back to "no really, this could work" today. At least I'm trying to be back there.

Here's really where things are:
- my boobs are sore. So sore that I am tempted to throw a protective arm across them every time I walk, but I think people might look at me funny. Tomorrow I am wearing a sports bra.
- I've been crampy and bloated for the last 3 days. I feel like a macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon and wish there was some way to get the bloat out out out.
- Cramps the first 2 days were kind of sharp and now its more of a low dull ache.
- Thirsty all the time. Followed by having to pee all the time because of the oceans of water I am drinking.
- Moody. But what's new there?

But since all of these symptoms could be attributed to the progesterone I am shoving up into my nether regions, I've really got nothing to go on.

I went to acupuncture yesterday and she said that my pulses were strong and good and that in all of her evaluation of me there is really nothing that leaps out as a potential problem, nor does she think that I need to be taking any herbal supplements or anything -- overall she sees everything good. And the acupuncture helps me relax, so that's great. And it's a block from my office. Yay for things being easy for a change!

But the waiting? This waiting is driving me completely, no-kidding, absolutely crazy. I'm trying to breathe deeply, think positive thoughts and relax, but it. is. hard.

Status

Hey -- Even though I have sucked beyond suckiness about writing recently, I just got inspired and thought I'd fill you all in on what's going on. Or rather, what's not going on.

So let's recap -- after a negative to IVF v.1.0 right before Christmas, we started the process for FET v.1.1. And we transferred one lovely, beginning-to-hatch blastocyst on 17 Feb.

Why one when we had 2? I can handle a negative more than I can handle my husband hearing that we are pregnant with twins. Plus, this is so much fun, I'd like to do it again.

Anyway, here I am almost at 6dp5dt and I am starting to freak out a bit. I really don't know what to think -- I want so much to be hopeful and to think that this is really the one that worked, but at the same time I know that the more hopeful I am, the harder I will be hit by a negative. I'm going in early for my beta on Thursday (8dp5dt), so I'll know something. I'm going in early b/c Friday I am going away for a long weekend, and I would seriously lose my shit if I didn't even have some indication of whether this worked until Monday.

My symptoms are essentially nonexistent. Last time my boobs were hurting like crazy, but I had a lot of hormones in my body from the trigger and the 17 eggs I produced. This time, even though I am jamming progesterone up into my nether regions 3x daily, they (that would be the boobs) don't hurt at all. So no symptoms at all, unless you count some low-grade GI weirdness, but I think that just might be nerves.

But the fact that I don't feel physically anything isn't making this emotionally any easier. I just made plans to go visit my family (Mom and 94 year old grandfather) in late-March. What I want more than anything else is to be able to tell them that I am pregnant. Please please please let the little seed be doing something that will help it grow. Please please please.

Back to CVS

Today is 7dp5dt.

I made a special snowy trip out to the drugstore because I am going nutty.

And when I got there, I stood in front of the home pregnancy test section for about 5 minutes today, debating to buy or not to buy.

I chose to not buy.

I am seriously frozen by fear by the possibility of knowing the outcome. I'd rather just get my period and find out that way.

I've googled every possible symptom I am having, and they are all related to progesterone, so there is no reason to believe that they are real and not due to the 200mg I am taking daily.

My gut says to be prepared for a negative on Wednesday.

On the plus side, I got a job. More on that another time, but I am pretty pleased!

Double Ouch

Ever since about 4 hours after the trigger shot, my boobs have been killing me. That's how I knew the HCG was in my bloodstream, because I got up from the sofa and immediately flung a protective arm across my chest.

This is not your average "I'm about to get my period" hurting, this is no shit "if I don't strap these down in a jogbra they may break off" hurting. And it's not getting better at all... And may be getting worse. Case in point, I am wearing my pajamas and my jogbra. To bed. Again. I would wear the bra in the shower if I could.

I wish I could say "ooh look, an early symptom that this worked" but since it's been going on since before ET, even at my most delusional I don't think that I would buy that logic.

Final count

Another one made it to freeze, so we have 2 5-day blastocysts on ice.

Not bad for an old girl, I guess. I'm just hoping that all of the attrition is done, and that each of the 3 left is good baby-making material.

Since I am pretty quantitative, here's the final rundown, with numbers:

18 eggs retrieved

17 fertilized via ICSI (94% retained)

10 fertilized on day 1 (59% retained, 55% of retrieved total)

8 still going on day 3 (80% retained, 44% of retrieved total)

5 blastocysts on day 5 (62% retained, 28% of retrieved total)

3 good enough to freeze/ use (60% retained, 17% of retrieved total)

So our percentage attrition from retrieval to "good enough at 5 days enough to possibly become a baby"? 83%.

(incidentally, as I was re-reading this, I had a "12 days of Christmas" moment. So now I am humming that to myself with the words replaced. Oy.)

I wish like hell there was some place where I could compare these numbers to some sort of averages and then see associated live birth rates based on numbers of embryos transferred. Because I am in the throes of an obsessive Google-a-thon, and that sort of data, or an article that talks all about regressions and correlations is just what I need to keep occupied.

(If any of you know of such data, please let me know where I can find it!!)

I think I am going to step away from the keyboard and bake something. Seriously, my fingers are going to start to bleed soon from too much typing.