oh for pete's sake

So today I am feeling very insecure about this pregnancy. I have heavy duty cramps (still not quite like my period, but more insistently crampy than previous twinges) and the spillage from my progesterone suppositories was very very slightly tinged beigey-pink last evening. (And yeah, I had to get really really close to the pantiliner to see that it was not pure white. It was as awesome as it sounds.)

But my nausea, which had been on a wee bit of a hiatus is back in full force today, causing several dry heaving attacks, and my boobs are still sore.

But I am insecure about it and again in need of reassurance (please?) and again counting the moments until my appointment (Thursday morning).

My insecurities hit a high point today when, since I was out of snacks and was trolling for food just like everyone else here does someone said "you know, my wife also loved snackwells when she was pregnant."

What????

I'm barely pregnant and this thing could end in heartbreak at any moment so pardon me if I don't announce my barely pregnancy to you who are practically strangers. I mean, just because I didn't drink at a party last week, and wasn't feeling well last week I'm pregnant? wtf???

One woman, who as it turns out is an IVF veteran, saw ginger candies and crackers on my desk last week and called me out, but I am pretty sure that it wasn't her, as she has had several miscarriages and knows too well the risks of the early reveal.

I am SO not ready to be out of the closet (I'm not even at 9 weeks, and I have had no screening tests done), and frankly I think it is inappropriate to even talk about it so early. In fact, it makes me really super duper anxious even writing it down. I guess my plan is to continue denying anything. But MAN is it stressing me out. Because I don't want everyone up in my business when (if) this goes to hell.

Fuck. This is stress I did not need.

Whoops

So apparently it's not that easy to have a job and post to a blog. I started my new job on the 26th, and have just been so occupied with it that, while I read posts on my bberry, and sometimes find time to comment, I've not really found the time to post myself.

It might also have something to do with the fact that I'm still prepping for the FET... 3 weeks of lu.pron (and yes, the Boy and I are both still unscarred and alive), and now a whole load of estr.ace to get things ready down below. But it really does feel like this is never going to happen, and when it does, that it is sort of divorced from the whole process in December. Either way, I'm trying like hell to not obsess over this whole IF thing (working, but only sometimes) and am just working on staying with my gym and healthy eating regimen now that I'm back to work.

Anyway, this post is clearly sort of disorganized and lacks a coherent theme, but that's kind of how I feel about the whole TTC thing right now... it's neither here nor there, and while I'm moving towards the FET next week, I very much feel at loose ends.

Back to CVS

Today is 7dp5dt.

I made a special snowy trip out to the drugstore because I am going nutty.

And when I got there, I stood in front of the home pregnancy test section for about 5 minutes today, debating to buy or not to buy.

I chose to not buy.

I am seriously frozen by fear by the possibility of knowing the outcome. I'd rather just get my period and find out that way.

I've googled every possible symptom I am having, and they are all related to progesterone, so there is no reason to believe that they are real and not due to the 200mg I am taking daily.

My gut says to be prepared for a negative on Wednesday.

On the plus side, I got a job. More on that another time, but I am pretty pleased!

My walk home

This is an older photo from earlier this year when the leaves were still on the trees, but I took the same walk home today and this was my view. (This photo has pretty cruddy resolution since it was taken from my bberry, but you generally get it.)

Today was my official last day at work, and even though I don't know what's coming next, I am at peace with my decision to leave.

Perfect evening.

Sigh

I'm feeling a bit sad and wistful today. Couple of things going on, I think, and so I'm sure I will just ride this out, but I can't exactly say I am enjoying it.

My formal last day of work is Friday. That means I have to give back the laptop and bberry. Also, since we use lotus notes, that means that if I want to save an email, I have to forward it to my personal account. Hence, I have spent the last several hours reading through over 5 years of old emails and choosing especially important ones to forward on and save. There's a lot of history in there, and I'm so sentimental that even making a decision to delete some of these is hard. Basically, I am shutting a door on part of my life, and that always makes me sad. I'm very happy to be leaving, and am essentially already gone, but it's just weird to say goodbye to a place that, for all of its challenges, was one of the best places I could have ever hoped to work.

Other reason for sadness? Aside from the gloomy grey weather? Had a talk with one of the REs today in response to my concern about the low follicle count. She agrees it isn't the response that they expected, given my numbers, etc., but is still pretty comfortable that we could get a few good quality embryos out of this cycle, assuming the little guys catch up to the bigger follicles. I guess we will know a lot more tomorrow, but I don't exactly feel a whole lot better about things. So I am just trying not to obsess about what my ovaries are doing.

I guess through all of this, what provided some comfort was that all of my numbers were very good and that I appeared to respond well to at least some of the drugs. And now that things are a little less positive? I am not sure what to think any more about the likelihood that this will work. I guess I'm just becoming convinced that this won't be easy at all (yeah -- that was clearly naivete on my part) and that I may not be one of those women who get lucky on their first cycle.

Breathe in. Breathe out. This will work. Maybe not on the first time, but it will work.

Back in the saddle

OK, really, I mean back in the stirrups, but that sounds so much less fun.

First off, I want to belatedly welcome everyone here from ICLW. Here's a quick rundown of our TTC history:
- Spring 2008 deal with random mystery endocrine system issues. Everything checks out ok after I give about 3 gallons of blood, but thyroid levels are moving all over the place.
- Got hitched in Nov 2008. First time for both of us (everyone asks) but we are getting up there in years (I'm 39 now, the Boy is 45)
- Pulled the goalie in Aug 2008, and counted on the empire waist wedding dress to hide any growing bumps. Hah.
- Tried every month until January, at which point my OB gave me a full work up, which was all good, although the Boy's SA was kinda eh.
- Failed 5 months with Clo.mid, although one of those months I was out of town during the key days, so it doesn't really count. So let's call it 4. With a bonus month of useless pills that made me fat and crabby. But respond really well to clo.mid (made >9 eggs first month)
- Refer to an RE, who double super checks everything out. As do the other two REs we go visit to get other opinions.
- Consensus is to jump direct to IVF.
- Give it a few more tries before getting started.
- Learn lab is closing for a few key weeks during the months we want to start
- Oct I finally begin Lupron. On Day 13 of the injections, still no period, so go in. Evil cyst on left ovary. Damn.
- Stop shots. Three days later, bleeding starts. On cd2, cyst miraculously gone, but running into Thanksgiving travel with this cycle, so hang out on bcps for 2+ weeks
- Stop bcps today. Starting stims on Thursday 26 Nov. Back into RE on 1 Dec.

Oh yeah, in June 2009 Boy loses job. In Sep 2009 I begin my 4 month severance period at my job, which I quit, and so our income and our insurance all run out soon! Woo hoo!

Tonight I will pull the box o' meds off the shelf and go get all my meds ready for our big plane ride. Man are they gonna love me at security. I have a "special dispensation" letter, but I still think that it's going to be a shit show on the day before Thanksgiving.

So that's pretty much it. I'm very excited to be starting again, but woke up ridiculously early this morning (4.30am) for no apparent reason, and so am honestly too tired to feel excited. Need. nap. now.